Van Gogh, Picasso, Todd Rundgren. I know almost every lyric, "The meaning of the verb, to love". A wizard, a true star. I love Mr T. Rundgren. I saw him 5 times before I realized he couldn't save me. My first gay boyfriend was Kim McClain from Richmond, indiana and he was the sweetest, kindest, most musical young man, I was only 15. We tried an apartment. I learned the artists, musicians, I would love for my life. I remember Darrell, Tom, Mike, Mary, the first GBLT people I met accepted me in their circle, until I ran away. The L.G.B.T. meetings were held at Earlham College in Richmond, IN. It was 1970. :P One time we all drove over to Dayton, Ohio. We went to a small "GAY" bar there. I wore an afro wig and used 3 cans of spray tan. Outside on the sidewalk on a smoke break, a big black girl said to me, "Honey, what is you? Are you a boy? Or a girl?" I told her and her friends I'm a 14 year old white boy from Cambridge City, Indiana, where the only gay thing was the lamps on one of the bridges that crossed a creek in town. It was "great" fun, that night at that bar. Just to dance and laugh and be "theatrical". It is now 11.30pm here in my little cell. I could not write an entry for "Blog4HR".

I had a tiny tumor May of 2011. I had a lobectomy of my left lung. I was told, "We got all the cancer! You don't need chemo!" A month and 1/2 ago, Dr tells me the cancer's back and it's too late. What?? Like the funeral of my father, my mother, my 3 brothers, I was not there.

Nope, not even a photo, I'm not here either. Can you tell? I ran to the Rodin Museum and stared at the gates of hell. I sat beneath the Thinker statue in a blizzard on New Year's Eve 1977/78. I have many places. Do you know I saw the beautiful "Shiva" exhibit at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. Yes. It only was exhibited in Los Angeles and Philadelphia in 1978, I believe?

I thought the cherry blossoms falling off the cherry trees on a walking/running trail, there above the Skukyll River was a "portent" of my relationship with "Marya". You see, "Mars" was from Princeton, New Jersey and her father was a professor at Princeton. Japanese history, I think? I only met her parents once. Anyway, as I ran, I came upon this most beautiful cherry tree. A single blossom broke away and the sight stopped me. I caught the beautiful precious work of God's art in my hand and then heard the voice of Marya's father. "Now you have her, you marvel at the beauty of the soft white complexion, the rose glycerin cheeks, the floating skirts, her petals a ballet for only you. I am the Emperor of a dynasty. You have, for a moment, captured this precious leaf, this beautiful porcelain doll who is the Emperor's daughter", and ever so slightly the earth shook. My bliss broken, his voice asked, and who are you to hold her? I had my big faux fur airforce parka on, as I ran I saw Che Guevara in the window looking back at me. It had become very cold outside so I returned to the apartment on 19th and Mount Vernon. She asked me where I had gone, she had gone out on the New Year's with some friends.

I told her, I took a wrong turn in the city and went running in China. I called her "Sweetie Boop". We ate w/chopsticks and had budgies flying round the apartment. Joni Mitchell and "We Could Be Heroes". "AJA" when all my dime [illegible] is thru. All those silly paintings I did, watercolor & acrylics. She wore thick glasses w/ her hair in a bun and JAP flaps. Then I saw her turn into a Bob Seeger song at a little club downtown. My heart broke, she said I was a "beast". I realized I was an unwilling bum, a gigolo perhaps? I have to get some sleep. Om Mani Rome Hung.

I love you deeply and truly. If the money could only prove me, what if? Would you move me back into your heart?

It's always the money. I just never made very much money and a man has to make money - for his woman to keep the babies, or there are no babies, just a looming maw of past memories, chipped and torn, stained and worn, round my shoulders like a boxer's towel robe, round my head like an angel's prayer shawl.

Goodnight Irene.

Christmas post.

C-U-soon

Randy