#44 December 30, 2012

A struggle with identity

Today finds me reflecting on the current state of my own personal development. It has been a rough year, one that seems to have had more failures than victories. But is that accurate?

I am blessed with an Adopted father, a man who came alongside me over twenty years ago and entered into a covenant relationship with me. He has remained faithful beyond all reason! I look to him as a model of who I want to be. But is that who I am? He has never even displayed emotional displeasure with me and believe me, I have deserved it! He is calm, thoughtfully considering each issue that arises. He is forgiving and long-suffering. He personifies those character traits I find most admirable. He is awesome. But am I?

Here is the thing, I found over this last year that there simply are some folks I can't abide with. I do not much like this about myself, and I hope to grow in grace in this area, but for now, truth is truth.

Feather the nest or pad the walls?

It seems as though each year about this time I decide I need more "stuff" to be content with my lot. I have really just realized it is a pattern I fall into each year at this time. The question is: Am I feathering the nest or padding the walls?

I think what I attempt to do is a bit of both, seek comfort from material stuff, food and such, and use that stuff to ward off the crazies, pad the wall if you will.

I get really sad this time of the year. It is a fact of who I am, I love the holidays and want to be with those I love the most. When I say sad, I mean really, really sad. I need to admit that, deal with it honestly in prayer and share those feelings with someone here I honor and trust.

So, OK, I get it. But for those of you who love me most, I plead grace not justice. :) A little extra padding on the walls of this cell and a few extra feathers here and there help.

God bless you all. Let's strive to live more fully for others this next year, amen.

russ