Thought Balloon

01.04.2013

Today's diary.

I have a jar of Folger's Classic Roast Instant Coffee and a bottle of 100 vitamin B-12's. Next week I get a jar of creamy peanut butter and a bag of Nescafe Classic Black Coffee.

I have cocoa and Sugar Twin Sweetener. I eat Fireballs and Caramel Suckers. Flip through magazines and newspapers... It's getting better but, you know, it's all the same. What I really want is my own subscriptions. I've ordered some, like "Lowrider" and "Maxim," but it takes months for them to come...

The music. It's beautiful. We listen each night.

The coffee, the sugar, it makes me feel better.

The laughter is beautiful, also.

But there's always the underlying restlessness no matter what one gets. One always grasps for more. And id another wants it also, along with you, you want it that much more. If someone doesn't want it you don't want it as much.

I just must perform my daily ministrations, sleep and eat to ease the hunger.

To shower after five years of not doing so! To shower three times a week!

The feelings. That's what it's about. Feelings I've missed and done without for half a decade straight wholly and a whole decade partly.

One can be at peace in any situation. All one had to do is choose that peace. Choose it over the pain and restlessness.

Where does it go, the effort of living, when we die?

We must put forth energy to survive. Will we feel empty; do we just float out of Earth's atmosphere and into space trying to push and pull things but being unable? Is that eternal suffering, damnation and hell? To float... purposeless?

Dancing Caskets

01.06.2013

A slaveowner has sex with one of his slaves and then kills her in a rage. "How could he be attracted..." he thinks.

A boy commits matricide. How could he have those type of feelings for his... for her!

A college student is snubbed by every blonde bombshell because he's weird. Virginia Tech...

The government created me into this heartless, futureless, painful being. Moveigh.

A young man loves little girls too much, no way to "express." Must repress. Push down. 'Till. It. Explodes.

Such. Twisted. Emotion.

Frued was insane (my take) but sex (it's "Freud" I can't spell :) We all have flaws). Sex. Sex and all its flavors; sex and all its taboos; sex and forbidden pleasures explain a lot. Societal sexual deviancy precludes a lot of violence.

I read this article about SRI's particularly Prozac and Paxil. Medications that increase serotonin inside a person's brain by blocking its re-uptake. Increased serotonin blocks out sensory inputs. Blocks out the world's pain. And joys as well. LSD decreases serotonin. Thus allowing all senses in unblocked.

To be mad at that that won't allow your love to be (rightly or wrongly), psychiatry, society and country, the most human emotion that; wouldn't you agree?

That man in Europe that shot up the liberal school camp. He was afraid. He could feel the reactionary tide ebbing.

Before a major break with an old orders shit boils.

Zombies. Modern psychiatry creates zombies. It was a good idea (for the rich ruling class it was. At first...) because mindless prisoners and poor are easier to control lobotomised.

But it's blowing up in their faces. Mindless mas murderers don't know. How could they? With sensations blocked by serotonin!