I had a very abusive relationship where I was beaten and degraded. Finally I had my son. I stopped dating when he was born. I went back to school and he was my world for years. Everything that I did, every hour that I worked, everything that we both endured was nothing compared to how much I loved him. When he lost trust in me and began to turn on me it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I lost him long before he was actually physically away from me. He used to tell me that I was with him physically but not emotionally. He said I was vacant. That was the only way that I knew how to be. I never had loving parents or family members so I never learned how to love and take care of someone. It does not make the ache in my heart any less because he is lost to me and although he says he loves me I know that he has a lot of hate and anger toward me. There were times when I thought he might kill me. I was afraid of him. There were times when he rushed at me and knocked me down. There were times when he hit me with his fist because he did not like what I did or said. He was a large teenager and adult and I could not defend myself against that. I never blamed him though and I never stopped loving him. He grew up in an unstable environment. My solution to fix things every time he got into serious trouble was to move. I took him away from schools, family, friends, etc and he cannot be blamed for the resentment that he has against me. To me I was saving him. I was doing the right thing. I now understand that I gradually destroyed him and would really love to take it all back. I want to visit him now and will be contacting authorities again in January about doing that.
He preferred to be anywhere but our home. I cannot change what has happened over the years. I made a lot of massive mistakes because of the walls that I put up from being abused and hurt from the time I was born. My mother used to leave the house and stay gone for hours. She had four children at the time. I was only 6 and two of my brothers were in diapers. I had to learn to cook and change their diapers at a very early age. I came close to setting the house on fire once. Then suddenly she was gone. My father had no ability or desire to take care of us so we were split up to live with relatives. I will not go into the details about the abuse my sister and my younger brothers suffered at the hands of older cousins. One of those cousins ended up in prison for raping his son who had downs syndrome so that should show what type of character he had. There were other times that things happened to me at the hands of others and the woman who ended up taking us in was an aunt and she loved us but resented having to take care of us. I was often struck over and over again with fly swatters, shoes, etc. Pretty much anything that she could get her hands on. It was humiliating to go to school with marks on my body from that. As a teenager I was raped more than once by acquaintences and also by a stranger.
I posted something on a web site about law and was hoping a lawyer would offer to help me figure out how to secure a visit. I am finally getting phone calls from my son. Only once a month but I am so thrilled to get them. He has been away from me for such a long time and I retreated into my house and myself because it has hurt me more than anything I have ever been through in my life. Things were not supposed to be this way. As much as I went through while he was young I never walked away from him. People tried to get me to do that. I had a conversation with a counselor one time. I talked to her for about two hours telling her why I needed help for him. After two hours she looked at me and said that she could not believe that we had been through so much but not once in the two hours did I say that I was ready to walk away. A probation officer once told me that I needed to sign my rights away so they could put him in a state facility because she said I was not going to be able to control him. I let her talk and then I let her have it. I told her she had no business telling me how to parent. When I walked out of the conference room in the courthouse people actually clapped. My mother left five children and we never saw her again. I was eight. It has influenced my life in more ways than I care to admit and was not something that I ever got over. I will NEVER completely abandon my son although he feels so much animosity toward me for so many things. Yes I rarely write to him. I have auto payments set up so that he gets a few dollars each month. It isn’t much. So when I bought this house I realized that I would be eighty years old when it is paid off if I live that long. But it will be a place for him to go that he cannot be run out of. I worry that he will have issues if he tries to get a decent job or if he tries to rent an apartment. I am older and I do not know how long I will be alive. Maybe not long enough to see him leave prison. But I want to go to my grave knowing that I am leaving him something that will give him shelter. My family left me nothing. I work and take care of myself. My son has not been in a position to do that but I will do whatever it takes to keep working and to pay for this house because it is really the only thing I can do for him because of where he is. He is my precious son and I do not care what others I think, if he is gay, if he is in prison because he is the most important thing that I have ever done in my lifetime. Nothing else compares. I still believe he will do something very important someday. He is doing important work already. When I read the responses and letters that he sends it is heartbreaking because he is so very angry with me for so many things. He has been that way for years. The only thing he has wanted to do since he was about ten was to do anything and everything to stay away from me.
Hello again. It is friday evening and I sit here at home in the dark reading posts on this blog. I would like to correct one misconception. I did not tell my son that his cousin was gay to trick him into coming out. His cousin was gay and had finally told his family. He has had a very difficult time with it and ended up on drugs and has been in and out of rehab. In his late twenties he has no idea how to care for himself and he spends much of his time out of his mind. He recently threw a concrete block through his mothers car window. He is now in jail and may spend a couple of years in prison. His trial is coming up. His mother has tried to help him over the years. She paid for him to go to school for specialized training and she has taken him in several times. She bought a business for him and ended up having to sell it because he could not make a go of it. She has finally given up and told him that he cannot stay with her anymore. She is afraid of him because when he is on drugs he is completely out of his mind and get aggressive and abusive to get his way. I had thought for some time that my son was gay and when he finally told me about it I told him I loved him regardless of what he does or how he lives his life. When I bought a house two years ago all I could think about was being able to leave something for him. A place to go. A place to live when he leaves prison. I have never had any doubts that my son is very intelligent. He is making a difference for other people even while in prison. I have known all of his life that he was going to do aomething very important some day. I knew it more than I knew how to breath and he is on his way to doing that even from the depths of hell where he has been for a while now. My son thinks that I wrote something on here and that I tried to hide who I was. After the prison returned my letters and books that I sent I was afraid he would not get what I wrote if they knew it was me. So I wrote enough to let him know that it was me but to assure he would get the post. There were times that he went through traumatic events while being transferred all over the country. I have tried to visit but the officials always tell me no. I am not sure why they will not let me visit. The entire time he has been in for the last charge I have not been allowed to visit. I signed up on a web site where families post information about their own family members that are in prison. I was hoping that someone would help me figure out who to talk to that could help me get a visit.
I am doing well, and hope that very, very soon, you will be doing far better. I think it was far earlier than '87 that I saw you, but my memory from that time is, unfortunately, not the best. Just for the record, I was never with Bobby...hahaha. Just the thought makes me laugh. lolol. I am back in contact with quite a few peeps from back then and didn't realize just how much I missed all of you until I found you all again. I stay in contact with your oldest who, by the way, is the spitting image of you. I just wish he wasn't all the way in Bakersfield. Scot and my son, Kyle get on pretty well. It warms my heart to see them together. I spend time with the Creamers, Mari Lane, of course Delphi, Billy Dyson and a few others. Funny, I ran into Midget of all people and he told me how to reconnect. I would promise to write the old fashioned way, but again, unfortunately, I am not really the pen to paper type. This works better for me. lol. Sending love and support always.
Thanks for writing! I finished the transcription for your post.
Your letter to your son was very moving. You are a great dad and it is clear that you have gained a lot of wisdom over the years. I am a father myself and I believe very strongly that your approach of being open with your kids, allowing them to go through the difficult emotions they are going through, and making clear, like you said, that they can come to you with anything and that you will always respond is so important. It must be incredibly hard to be separated from them, but I also know that you are doing right by them as best as you can.
RSS
Your letter to your son was very moving. You are a great dad and it is clear that you have gained a lot of wisdom over the years. I am a father myself and I believe very strongly that your approach of being open with your kids, allowing them to go through the difficult emotions they are going through, and making clear, like you said, that they can come to you with anything and that you will always respond is so important. It must be incredibly hard to be separated from them, but I also know that you are doing right by them as best as you can.