Welcome to the Internet, Olon! You've just joined thousands, probably millions, of people who are writing their thoughts online. Not everyone gets comments or even knows whether people are reading, but sometimes just the writing is enough. Who knows? Perhaps someday, someone will discover your blog afresh, and read through your archives.
That's my hope, when it comes to my blog, anyway. :-)
You wrote, "I don't understand where I went wrong or why and how I always end up in trouble." Don't stop looking for that understanding. Sometimes life seems like a puzzle, with no pieces fitting anywhere, but if we keep looking, eventually we'll find the pattern.
Anyway, keep on blogging... when you blog, you never know what kind of responses you'll get, if any, so brace yourself. *chuckle* Some responses might be insightful, some may be daft. Be ready for anything. :-)
Three things in your latest post struck me as insightful:
1) You mentioned that your generation is reluctant to grow up, and instead of leading, they follow.
I think this is much more common than people are willing to admit. Even people who seem to be leading are following in some aspect. It takes a lot of work and internal honesty to even discover what things, beliefs, ideas, or culture we are following. But without that work, people get lost in their own life, and that can happen regardless of what side of the law you happen to be on.
2) You say you took opportunities for granted, and went through the world with eyes wide shut. I can sympathize with that, as it has been true for me as well. Things that were opportunities earlier in my life, I didn't even recognize as such. It's only now that I look back, that I see where improvements could have been made, and really should have been made. But I was blind.
So even though you may feel haunted by the gravity of your situation, I'd gently point out that perhaps you are seeing things now that others may not see until they are old, or ever. And if you see them now, that means you can change it. But someone who doesn't see, he continues through life blind, and he's probably worse off.
3) You write, "I have been incredibly loyal, or incredibly stupid, but in truth, incredibly lonely." I can relate again. I've found that loneliness comes from a lack of honesty. People who know you, or think they know you, but don't know the real you, are just acquaintances. But to find someone who is trustworthy enough to know the real you, and still stick around, and not use it as a knife in the back, that's a true cure for loneliness.
I think the only way to get that kind of friend, is to be that kind of friend... the kind of friend that pursues honesty, the kind of friend that asks the kind of questions that you're wrestling with now... the kind of friend who is honest about himself and pulls honesty out of his friend as well, but always caring enough to accept what he finds.
I can say that finding such a friend, and being such a friend, is tough wherever you might find yourself. I've never been in prison, but solving these same issues you are facing is a challenge all the same. I wish you all the best in your struggle... I hope you find the kind of freedom that starts on the inside, and works its way out to all aspects of your life.
Thanks for sharing your story, Johnnie. It's inspiring how someone's kindness made you want to live a better life. I have found the same effect working in my own life.
I love your analogy about the bacon and dogs. Partly because I love bacon. Partly because I love dogs. Mostly because it was even true for pretty much everyone at the non-prison college I went to. We were all after the bacon. And some of swallowed the pill! Although I have to say, quite a few of us ate the bacon and spit out the pill. This can be a problem with dogs too, I've found. The solution, in that case, is to put your hand in their mouth, stick the pill as far down the throat as you can, and then hold the mouth shut so they are forced to swallow it. If they are a good dog they won't bite you. I'm not sure this analogy works anymore.
I've ready 4-5 other prisoner's blogs and yours is the best so far. A blog is a place to share your point of view - not just a story but a point that you want to drive home. Blogs are often used to share information about something you just learned, especially in the scientific community.
I mentor kids who are always on the line between good and bad. One day they ace their tests and the next day they're suspended because they stabbed another kid with a pen. I read the point of your blog to be that you don't have to necessarily do something bad to be blamed for it. Just enabling the situation to happen can make you the culprit. On one hand it seems really unfair to you, but on the other hand it's an important lesson for everybody to learn.
Thank you for your blog post. I hope you'll do others.
I'm fascinated to know - what did you do that got you 16 years in prison?
6 seasons of Oz is all I have to go on for what it must be like. I can't imagine why anybody would go to war, but perhaps that's because I live in what is relatively paradise.
RSS
That's my hope, when it comes to my blog, anyway. :-)
You wrote, "I don't understand where I went wrong or why and how I always end up in trouble." Don't stop looking for that understanding. Sometimes life seems like a puzzle, with no pieces fitting anywhere, but if we keep looking, eventually we'll find the pattern.
Anyway, keep on blogging... when you blog, you never know what kind of responses you'll get, if any, so brace yourself. *chuckle* Some responses might be insightful, some may be daft. Be ready for anything. :-)
God bless,
lru
That sure is common: fear of the consequences of honesty. When in reality, honesty is what is going to help us.
Thanks for your letter. I hope more people read it and take the message to heart.
God bless,
lru
Three things in your latest post struck me as insightful:
1) You mentioned that your generation is reluctant to grow up, and instead of leading, they follow.
I think this is much more common than people are willing to admit. Even people who seem to be leading are following in some aspect. It takes a lot of work and internal honesty to even discover what things, beliefs, ideas, or culture we are following. But without that work, people get lost in their own life, and that can happen regardless of what side of the law you happen to be on.
2) You say you took opportunities for granted, and went through the world with eyes wide shut. I can sympathize with that, as it has been true for me as well. Things that were opportunities earlier in my life, I didn't even recognize as such. It's only now that I look back, that I see where improvements could have been made, and really should have been made. But I was blind.
So even though you may feel haunted by the gravity of your situation, I'd gently point out that perhaps you are seeing things now that others may not see until they are old, or ever. And if you see them now, that means you can change it. But someone who doesn't see, he continues through life blind, and he's probably worse off.
3) You write, "I have been incredibly loyal, or incredibly stupid, but in truth, incredibly lonely." I can relate again. I've found that loneliness comes from a lack of honesty. People who know you, or think they know you, but don't know the real you, are just acquaintances. But to find someone who is trustworthy enough to know the real you, and still stick around, and not use it as a knife in the back, that's a true cure for loneliness.
I think the only way to get that kind of friend, is to be that kind of friend... the kind of friend that pursues honesty, the kind of friend that asks the kind of questions that you're wrestling with now... the kind of friend who is honest about himself and pulls honesty out of his friend as well, but always caring enough to accept what he finds.
I can say that finding such a friend, and being such a friend, is tough wherever you might find yourself. I've never been in prison, but solving these same issues you are facing is a challenge all the same. I wish you all the best in your struggle... I hope you find the kind of freedom that starts on the inside, and works its way out to all aspects of your life.
God bless,
lru
Best regards from India
I've ready 4-5 other prisoner's blogs and yours is the best so far. A blog is a place to share your point of view - not just a story but a point that you want to drive home. Blogs are often used to share information about something you just learned, especially in the scientific community.
I mentor kids who are always on the line between good and bad. One day they ace their tests and the next day they're suspended because they stabbed another kid with a pen. I read the point of your blog to be that you don't have to necessarily do something bad to be blamed for it. Just enabling the situation to happen can make you the culprit. On one hand it seems really unfair to you, but on the other hand it's an important lesson for everybody to learn.
Thank you for your blog post. I hope you'll do others.
Ryan
6 seasons of Oz is all I have to go on for what it must be like. I can't imagine why anybody would go to war, but perhaps that's because I live in what is relatively paradise.
Ryan
Thank you for trying to spread understanding. Your really-well-put-together letter helps make the world better.
- Kartik,
San Francisco