Vulnerability
4-23-13

Yesterday morning I went to yard, which consists of going in a concrete box. No equipment is given with the exception of some handballs. I was playing handball when I slid and sprained my ankle. Thinking little of it, I shook the pain off and continued playing. Little did I know I was to regret doing that.

Today is the next day. I went to the nurse to get it checked out due to swelling and what she basically said was to drink a lot of water! Good thing we have a good medical system. Wait, we don't, that's why the federal government is overseeing it. Anywho, I could barely walk and it causes great pain. Normally it would be a simple injury to anybody but while reflecting last night I came to realize it's anything but normal. I say this 'cause of the environment around me; depressing, hostile, unforgiving, deadly, turbulent... you get the point. Defenseless is what I'm trying to convey. I can't defend myself as I would if I was fully "operational". It's not like there's a fight every day but prison is still prison. Pondering the matter I came to realize that I've become militarized. Meaning mentally I'm in a state of combat readiness at all times. At times stuff just happens and you have to be ready for whatever. Like North and South Korea, I'm on the edge, waiting for an attack that never comes. Watching a foe that I've come to create. Due to my injury I feel awkward and less capable. I feel as if people smell blood and are about to pounce. Throughout my incarceration I guess this is what it comes down to. Basically growing up around barb wire, steel and concrete has a devastating if not debilitating effect on your psyche.

State of mind so military... it could have its benefits, no doubt about that. The thought that I must stay in a state of warfare is taxing on my mind. To make matters worse being in solitary confinement doesn't help where it houses the "worst of the worst". Maybe in time I'll let the warfare state of mind ease little by little but until then... that's why there's death.