*Sifting Sneezing*
05-30-2013

Mental hospitals and women's oppression. These
things I can understand. Being in one and suffering
similar.

"why did you want to die by suicide by cop and
attempted escape, self harm, etc.?" The parole board
lady asked me. Why am I so sad and angry?

Because Ma'am, when you cough and sneeze
into the microphone and your cellphone rings four
separate times during our meeting...

When you are suffering I feel it. I feel for
you. Your pain is my pain. I cannot help it.

You apologize for the phone ringing. And I
say "Its o.k.." "no, no, its disrespectful," you
say. "I don't care, really," I reply. "It's o.k."...

I want to cry for the lady, the system,
that oppresses me; the system that destroyed
my family and will destroy my children's families.

I hope she heals from her cold as my
liver and heart throb with inhuman pain. And
I worry about her uncomfortableness at a
inopportune phone call. I love her. A lady that
kills people like me. A lady that's destroyed me.

You wonder why I hurt inside? Its
because there is so much pain in this life.
People hurt others to ease their own pain. And
it just snowballs. Humankinds pain is huge.

And I found that I am very good at
taking this pain in to myself and understanding
it, worrying it, chewing on it, until its not
so painful. Thirty years I've perfected it.

But it's like my body, brain, soul is
so inundated with emotion that I'm comatose
most of the time; that I can act normalcy
for moments, for fits and starts, but the
majority of my time must be devoted to me
keeping my heart from stopping at the pain.

How will a person like me ever be
an upstanding citizen, a non-dysfunctional partner
to a woman, a patriot, a happy person in the
crowd? When it's the dying crowds killing me?

My attempt to save sneezing, disrespectful,
starving, poisoned, oppressed, mutilated, crowded,
unable to breathe, tornadoed, hurricaned hiroshimaed,
shock and awed victims, Aztecs, Navajo's, paleotians,
Afganis, ETC, from devils I feel sorry for. Pity.