mp.60 Long absence and Issues of the heart 9.9.13

There was a long gap in the posts. Actually a lot has happened. The major event is I am starting to actually pursue relationships again. I have not been interested in anything for over four years. So I have focused on getting my own head together. Slowly over the past year I have felt stronger and more centered. Then a few months ago a crush. Mmm, Man. A really knee buckling crush. I have not had one of these in years (decades?). I walked around in a daze for weeks.

As usual, my heart decided to pick someone who was totally unavailable. This guy was too young, too beautiful, and too much in love. So my first response after determining the extent of my crush's unavailability, was self pity. I was in a funk for a month. Then it was once every two or three days of feeling sorry for myself. Now it is down to once of week. Maybe it will reduce to a once a month soon.

So once I started feeling less self flagellatory, I started looking around. Given the fact that this is prison, there are really some pretty decent prospects. But I needed a game plan. My usual heart choices would not work. My heart is like the heart of an abused spouse, who looks around the room and only sees guys who will abuse her in similar ways to her ex. What my heart sees are people who are either unavailable or people who are wounded and need and saving (white knight). So I must exclude people like my friend who in every way is perfect (smart, funny, talented, similar interests) but closeted. I have done closeted for all my adult life. I need relationships with people who are comfortably out. So no straights who want to play around, questioning, closeted guys or guys in relationships. Those are my unavailable here.

The other group is less easily identifiable - but trust me. I think I have a great big sign on my back that says "white knight will work for kind words." They find me like a heat seeking missile.

So on to find some training wheel relations. My best prospect is another musician from the Praise Band. He is sweet and kind and cute. Not too much heat for the old heart, but enough to make it worth the time. I need to be with someone. Feel the contradictory pulls of either merging with them (losing myself) on one hand, and putting up the barriers around the heart not letting any emotion in or out on the other. I need to sit right in the middle feeling the pulls, but refusing to give in. I need to go through two or three of these low risk relationships just to used to how it feels to be with someone with my heart open. Then maybe I will be ready of for a relationship with my desire is again off the charts.

allan lummus #23038076
mindful prisoner

pobox 1010, bastrop, tx 96402
betweenthebars.org