mp.62 Relearning intimacy 9.22.13

The best thing about the past few months is that through the rush of joy & despair, elation and despondency, tears of happiness and grief. I did not dissociate! I stayed with it all.

The old Allen would have escaped, shut down access to my heart, left my body into a part of my consciousness where emotions could not touch me. Like the stories of surgery patients feeling themselves lift out of their bodies and go watch the operation on the ceiling, the old Allan was quite good at out of body living. Or as Jon Kabit Zinn loves to quote Joyce's Ulysses about the guy who lived a short distance away from his body.

While I did not always handle the fire hydrant hose of feeling the best, at least I held on to the hose. I did not let go. I could have redirected the fantasy of possible futures back into the present sooner. The reality is that I knew on one level that D was not interested in me other than another of her ring of older girlfriends. But the fantasy of another reality was just too tempting and pleasurable so I went with it. As the reality asserted itself, the inevitable grief of a fading fantasy was a logical and inevitable consequence. But the imagined possibility of love and intimacy was just too tempting to resist at least for a time.

The present has a couple of different friendships that have some chemistry (N. & Jw). N and J are both musicians each from one of the bands that provide backup vocals. J is more intellectual and dry witted. N is more sweet natured and spiritual. I am liking an explicit non-monogamy. The old me would jump into one relationship and pour myself into the gap between us. Now I have multiple relationships which feel different from each other, tapping into different emotional spaces. I can be with each without feeling the need to blur the boundary between us. The old me was so needy I needed an all consuming intimacy immediately.

Combine these romantic relations with several really strong fraternal friendships (H, B, JT, N, P, S), gives me a stronger network and a much greater range of intimacies than I have ever had on the outside. I just need to remind myself to be with the what-is and not worry about the what-is-not-yet. Much easier said than done.

allan lummus #23038076
mindful prisoner

pobox 1010 bastrop, tx 96402
betweenthebars.org