June 28, 2014

Mending Broken Fence

by Teddy Drake (author's profile)

Transcription

Mending Broken Fences

This is a subject we all face where many inmates lose contact with family over the years, where you almost seem like strangers. You don't know how to act, you don't know what to say, there is a burning desire to know more than you could possibly digest in one day. Familiarity [family?] is based on knowing one's feelings just by expression and when you don't know their expressions they seem alien to you. The toughest dilemma for us to get past is our feelings because that is what drives our thinking, thus leading to our behaviors.

It's a dilemma I'm faced with - learning to be patient and knowing life is still moving out there! We want instant gratification.

Reuniting is a process that I am trying to learn and it is done step by step. So adapting isn't easy.

One of the things about reuniting is accepting the fact that we the inmates have a lot to make amends for - mending fences. Myself not being in my little brother's life as he grew up - as bad as I feel about this I cannot change it and I cannot expect to pop up in his life and expect everything to be the same or like nothing was ever amiss.

I want the families to know you aren't the only ones struggling with so many feelings. It's identifying them and processing and asking yourself, "should I be feeling this way?" It isn't easy for us either. We already feel like failures in your lives and it is a constant want to change the image you have. It feel like nothing we do or say can change it. And you hold on to the last image you had of us and vice-versa. It's a little easier for me than others. My last image wasn't bad but for those that were that is all the family can "see." it is the process of both parties to see past our flaws and work together toward one common goal. Mine is to reunite with family but if a lot of them don't have this goal, I can't force it upon them - another dilemma is fear! Fear we will try to use you as someone has in your past. Please don't let fear block you and your loved ones' opportunity. Just be on guard and expect it in "addiction." I've heard it a lot! Oh, all he's going to do is steal the roof over your head - don't shut him out, just don't give him the opportunity! (LOL)

It's that fear that blocks out a lot of feelings that are good, that we don't get to feel that [?] relationship with one another.

I know we can't expect to jump back into your lives and everything be okie-dokie. All I'm getting at is we know it is hard on you and it is just as hard on us too.

I've heard from my brothers after years of searching and with the help of someone special to me. It blew my mind to finally hear from them because I've wanted them in my life for so long. Now it's a letter by letter journey toward getting to know each other. I'm happy to know someone wants me in their lives and it's my responsibility to build everything it takes to be "family." it's frustrating from in here - the mail man doesn't come fast enough :) I've written this because it's something we all face and often goes untalked about. Life isn't easy and we need ice breakers to get through part of it. And that is simply talking about it, bringing up whatever it may have been (wronged), per se your loved one has stolen from you - oh, and you aren't alone! Simply ask if you could just talk about it so you may get past this stumbling block. let them know you [?], this which a lot do. This may be hard for some of you but it's a necessary step towards nurturing your relationship with your loved ones.

By no means am I [?] with all this. I'm just observant :) I hope something I might have said helps.

Much Respect

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Replies (4) Replies feed

tkesde1 Posted 9 years, 9 months ago. ✓ Mailed 9 years, 8 months ago   Favorite
This is very touching to me. My husband is in prison, I take the effort to remain as close as possible in spite of his incarceration. I found a book that helps us, he answers a page of questions, removes that page from the book and sends it to me, I answer the questions then read his answers. I then send him back the questions with my responses. This is so that we can both understand what the other is experiencing and feeling during this difficult time as well as reminding us of the good times before he was incarcerated. I think we are actually stronger at this point because of this communication.

But what you bring up is something that breaks my heart every time I go to visit him. There are 3500 inmates in his prison and rarely are there more than 10 getting a visit while I am there (I go for my limit every month). My heart breaks for those guys who don't ever get visitors. Every person in there has value. They all deserve love and it doesn't matter what they've done. Prisons are full of good people who made a bad choice. Does that make them all bad people? I don't think so. Our justice system is also not fair and I know that there are many people in there who are innocent. But nobody believes in their innocence because a jury of their "peers" convicted them. I find that laughable, during jury selection at my husband's trial, those people weren't his peers. In fact, quite the opposite, including one person who was the foreman of the jury, the juror was a victim of a similar crime that he was convicted of doing.

I think family members stay away because they don't know what to say. I think some are ashamed, not just of their loved one who is locked up, but of themselves as well. It is hard to walk through those gates & subject yourself to the intimate search that all visitors have to go through, but once you are past that checkpoint, it is so worth it for the time spent with someone you care about.

Thank you for writing this, maybe it will help some of those guys who never get visits. That would make my heart happy.

T.K.

prison_rhetorics Posted 9 years, 9 months ago. ✓ Mailed 9 years, 8 months ago   Favorite
Thanks for writing! I finished the transcription for your post.

It's been a lot of years since I left prison, but I remember struggling with a lot of the same things - not knowing my family, not knowing if I'd ever be able to amend what damage I'd caused. It's taken some time to repair things, but you're right - allowing others to express their feelings, whether good or bad, is a huge part of the process.

Teddy Drake Posted 9 years, 8 months ago.   Favorite
(scanned reply – view as blog post)

callehero75 Posted 9 years, 7 months ago. ✓ Mailed 9 years, 7 months ago   Favorite
We will print and mail your reply by monad, 11 august 2014.

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