A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day. When she opened the door she was confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners," She said, "I'm broke, with no money!" And she proceeded to close the door. Before she could close the door, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" He said, "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, because they just cut off my electricity this morning."

The Perfect Job
My very first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned.... Couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it... Mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little douce to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but it seemed as if no matter how I sliced it, I just couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, only to find out that I didn't have and patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory - I just couldn't fit in no matter how hard I tried.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a workout centre, but they said I wasn't for for the job.
After many years of studying and trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realised there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
So, then I retired.... And found out I was perfect for the job!

A deck of cards
Guy 1: "It's the wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present."
Guy 2: "So what did she ask for?"
Guy 1: "She said, "Oh, I don't know, just give me something with diamonds." So I'm giving her a deck go playing cards."

Don't quit!
Once upon a time there was a bunch of tiny frogs who arranged a running competition. The goal was to reach the top of a very high tower. A big crowd gathered around the tower to see the race and cheer on the contestants. No I've believed that the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower once the race began. You would hear statements such as: "Oh, WAY too difficult!!"
"They will NEVER make it to the top!"
"Not a chance that they will succeed. The tower is too high!"
The tiny frogs began collapsing, except for those who were climbing higher and higher. The crowd continued to yell, "It is too difficult!!! No one will make it!" More tiny frogs got tired and gave up. But one tiny frog continued to climb higher and higher, he just wouldn't give up!
At the end everyone else had given up climbing the tower. But that one tiny frog continued and eventually reached the top of the tower!
All the other tiny frogs wanted to know how this one frog managed to reach the top of the tower.
One of the contestants asked the tiny frog how he had found the strength to succeed and reach the goal. It turned out that the tiny frog who had won the competition of reaching the top of the tower was deaf.