10/4/11
Lockdown: This One is From Hell

So things aren't good in my life and I'm thoroughly upset about several things. A lot of it is personal and some of it has to do with prison. All of it's silly, scary, and very real. Not one iota of it is simple nor easy. However, we'll start with the easier stuff.

We've been locked down for two days now to only have one building done when we usually do two buildings by now. At least we finally got a shower.

I got an I-60 saying I was sat down out of the choir for whatever reason. They didn't say and I haven't got a chance to ask, but I will. I don't do anything wrong; I don't break rules; and I'm not in a homosexual relationship; but I got sat down. Okay... Thank you, Jesus! Praise the Lord. May my praise not quit!

Now to the harder stuff... The stuff that makes this lockdown hell on me. Why? Too much time to think is never good for anyone.

From the start, my relationship with James hasn't been simple. I've gone through my own inner struggles and dealt with a lot of issues to be who I needed to be, not who someone wanted me to become. I've stood strong in adversity that most people couldn't handle. I'm a true survivor.

Rarely have I've given my heart, but when I have, it has been broken. For one reason or another, I'm foolish enough to give it away again and I feel I'm headed for heartbreak.

I have always had trust issues with men in my life. That's a direct result from sexual assault done to me from my childhood to my adult life. So when I trust someone I trust them, and now I'm questioning my friggin' sanity. Insanity is repeating the same behaviors expecting a different result every time. I am insane. I do believe to put my heart, my love, and my trust out there. Because every time I do, I expect something different and only come to find I'm getting the same result. Maybe that's all being spoken too soon, but I don't know.

That's the thing: not knowing. Only knowing part of the truth makes it a lie, right? So if I only know what one person tells me and what another person tells me something else, then a third party offers up information (but not the proof) and it goes with what other people have been saying: who's to be believed?

Love makes you want to believe the person who has the power to break your heart. Experience this, you something different altogether. In the end, I'm left sitting here with a hell of a lot of questions, anger, and stress.

I know I got a big heart, and I tend to be very forgiving. I have love that's beyond anything I've ever felt before, which leaves my vulnerable, prone to exposure, and possibly a broken heart. How do I deal with the information brought to me? Well, I don't sugar coat anything, and I tend to put things of front street.

"I'm not going to play devil's advocate or keep takes on James, his dirt or the other two women he's chasing." Everything you do on the Internet leaves room for other people to peel into your life. And if you don't want other people to look into your life, you don't put you on the Internet because you never know who's looking.

I'll say this: I didn't know Dennis was reading my website, let alone looking at James's or anything concerning James until last week. I hadn't head from Dennis since the end of February or beginning of March until then.

I, being a women, requested proof—which is truly the best way to confront anything. Proof in hand, right? Well, I don't have that. What I have is a hole in my heart, a lot of questions, and a need to know the truth even if it destroys me. God is all I got to hang onto at the moment.

James, you wrote me saying you love me and want me. It goes without saying how I feel right now: I want the truth. WTF is Dennis referring to and whom?

Dennis, you've been my friend through thick and thin. 100K, and you made sure I didn't go to prison for that... I done you a lot of dirt, treated you badly, and yet you stayed down for me over the years. I now need to know the truth.

Y'all want my truth?

I am capable of love, forgiveness, honesty, and lies. I am a thief, a robber, an addict, ho, vengeful, and so much more. I am totally opposite of who and what I used to be. To don't react or act without proof.

I Know this: James, I'm in love with you and it'll be the death of me. So please, my man and my friend, someone tell me what's really going on!

Thanks

Always a lady
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