JUSTINE RENEE McDONALD
Sept. 3, 1980 - Oct. 25, 2001

Sept. 3, 2016
5:00 AM
Listening to Heaven by Otherwise

There isn't much to say on this day. Justine was the most amazing human being I have ever met, known or loved. She had a heart that allowed her to only do good. She was so full of life, energy, love, happiness. She was robbed of her life at just 21 years old, and I'm not the only one who suffers for this. Though in the end her parents treated her badly, I know they loved her. No parent should ever have to bury their child.

Justine was so full of passion. She loved little dogs. She was 5 feet tall so she always said they were little like her. We couldn't get a dog yet, but I told her I had a surprise for her one day. I took her to the mall, and we went to the pet store. I had been at the mall earlier that day, and I saw Pomeranians in the pet store. Long story short, they are her most favorite dog. Her face lit up when she saw that I had arranged it so she could actually play with, feed, and spend time with these little tiny dogs. They were all no more than 12 weeks old.

Not a day goes by that I don't regret my past. Wish I could change it, but most of all, give her back her life. I was in prison for 3 years when she was killed. Every year I sing Happy Birthday to her in my mind.

I have a boat load of regrets, but how do you get past them? Or do you fix them? But what if they aren't fixable? Growing a conscience has prevented me from being selfish or hateful. Some days in here, I think it would be easier not to have a conscience.

I learned about the ripple effect. You can call it what you want and it happens to us all, but, up until a few years ago, I had never thought about it. I call it the ripple effect because it's like a wave in the ocean. Your choices, acts, decisions: they always affect more than just you. I never thought how my choices would affect you or him or her or them; anyone else, just me. I was a very selfish kid. Can a person ever be redeemed? I ask this to myself often.

I still feel the ripple effects of my past and the people it continues to affect. That's why I signed up for a year long program called the Impact of Crime Program. I'm interested in hearing stories from the people on the outside who will come in for this. This way, I can ask them my questions and get real answers. And I want to learn how people are affected by others' decisions in the outside world.

Justine was the most amazing woman I have ever known. The world is not a better place with her gone from it. The man who took her life does not pay like I do for the life I took. I will always love her; I will always remember her; I will never forget her. But she died because of my crime, the ripple effect.

Riposa in pace mi amor.