2/28/17
Reply ID: 96v9

Sorry it's taken seven months to reply to this. When I opened the ones this week, I noticed this was still in my files.

It's okay to open up and let the pain out. It's not like it was undeserving. And that by no means makes you a bad person.

As for the news and such, I watched it too and at the time just thought about what everyone must think of me. That as par for the course at the time. All "me, me, me." I was incarcerated about a year and in psychotherapy before I realized how many people that I actually affected so deeply. While it was (the crime) going on, I don't remember ever thinking, "Could this one day affect Mom and Dad? Could it maybe cause L&H not to be able to contact?" (They could but that's not the case with most women here in my position.) "What about B? Will she still love me? Will M or T still be my friends? If it's all out, then what?" The only thoughts I truly remember are, "How do I get him to love me more?"

I was in a bad place. Then I'd just numb myself with more drugs. Ugh.

Again, I sincerely apologize for hurting you and traumatizing you. I pray for your healing.

My girls are well. H&L are both in the medical field and stay with my dad.

For the Rhonda you used to know... she's gone for good. Truthfully though, I can't say it's such a bad thing. I know my major problems came after my stroke, but there were little things leading up to it as long as I can remember. Think of it like this: you have a building but the foundation was messed up in the beginning. You build anyway and the building stands a long time. You enjoy the building and all is good. Then a major stresser (an earthquake?) comes along and the building has cracks in it. You essentially need to rebuild but figure that it can hold. Eventually, bad things seep in and get trapped. Mold, termites, decay. Then the whole thing finally collapses when there's a storm. It was sort of like that.

What I've been doing the last seven and a half years is rebuilding myself. The therapy helped lay the new foundation. As far as the rest goes, I'm building every day. I am nothing like I was before and I'm rather thankful. I'm now drug free (this place is loaded with them). I have an understanding about all that has happened. I'm rather straightforward. I no longer try to be a "people pleaser." And I do my best to have good integrity.

Please know that I didn't say all of that to try and sound good. I'll be the first to say I'm certainly far form being Ms. Wonderful. My point is that I'm trying so very hard to be a better person. If not for God and those who love me, then at least for myself.

If my health permits me to leave here one day, I think people may like the new and improved me much better.
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