BLOG TO MS. WENZEL

March 19th, 2017
Dear Ms. Wenzel,

I told you the other day that I had restarted writing on my blog page again, in order to help me get things out. I also told you that I write my posts as though they are letters as if I am talking to you. It's easier for me to talk about things going on if I write it as a letter to someone I feel I can trust, respect and admire. You should already know that this isn't easy with me, but I feel this way with you. So, as you are already my 'Lil Jiminy Cricket' in my head, I could be more open with you this way. Now, I also want to let you know that these posts will be posted online to my bldg page as soon as I get everything reset the right way again. I just wanted to give you the heads up on this okay? Anyways, this first post is about something I have learned about myself. The rest of the posts I write will be more relaxed and as though we are having a one-sided conversation.

Well, I was laying in the bed the other day after getting into it with the officers about a hair-cut. I was replaying the scene in my mind like it was a movie, and thinking about how I responded to the officers, thinking about my actions during the whole shebang. After reviewing the footage in my head about the incident, I was extremely disappointed in myself. I mean, I had just swore a few days ago, that I would stop letting people push my buttons. And here I am, letting the small shit set me up for failure.

I had just read a book called, 'How To Keep People From Pushing Your Buttons,' by Albert Ellis. I borrowed it from the library this time instead of ordering a novel like I usually do. And it was fascinating to read this book because what they were talking about is exactly what I have been experiencing myself, by letting others push my buttons. Yep, I couldn't put the book down Ms. Wenzel, but they came and picked up books early. (I almost got into it with the officer when she wanted to take the book:-() So, now I am going to try to order the book from outside so I'll have it to read whenever I begin to need refreshed on what it says.

So, here I am, instead of thinking about what the book said, or the meditations you taught me, I went straight from asking for something to being angry because I couldn't get what I wanted right then. It didn't matter that I,had been asking for a hair cut for over a month now. It didn't matter that some shit has been going on and I felt vulnerable. What matters is how I handled the situation. And I didn't handle it well at all. I actually threatened to harm someone because I couldn't get a hair cut. A fucking hair cut , Ms. Wenzel!!! What the hell was I thinking???

I can tell you what I wasn't thinking...How is threatening these folks going to get me anything except more trouble? I let my emotions take over. My homie here has told me repeatedly, not to let these folks steal my joy...And then I turn around and do something dumb and let them. I can make excuses and blame it on you Ms. Wenzel, for shattering my shell and then leaving me to pick up the pieces by myself; I could blame it on these officers for not doing what they say they will; I could blame a million other reasons, other then the real truth. The truth of it Ms. Wenzel, is that I'm in control (or at least I should be that is) of my own behavior. If I can't take responsibility for my own actions, then what type of man am I? I could be like most everyone else here: putting the blame on someone else, but I feel that I am man enough to man up and accept the consequences for my own actions and behavior, whether in the right or the wrong.

I know Ms. Wenzel, that accepting responsibility for my actions is good, yet just accepting responsibility for my actions doesn't change anything. It is just the start of the process. It is just the first step in the process of changing my thinking and behavior, and ultimately, myself. The process to change into a better person must start with me because I am the only one who can change myself. Yes, it's good to have someone to help you start the process, and sometimes a per-son can't start without help. Yet it all comes down to me, not depending on someone else.

You helped me start the process. Then I came to rely on you to be there if I crash landed, and when I did crash by cutting myself over a situation I knew I had no control over, I expected you to play Wonder Woman, and stop me. You did what you were supposed to and helped me get the start I needed...And then I dropped the ball. That is my fault and only mine. I allowed myself to let both the letter and the words the dude was saying about you and the other ladies who work here affect me so much. Even with that done and over with, what have I done since then to

change how I respond or react the next time? NOTHING!!! It has been exactly two months since everything happened, and I have barely decided to do something about it. A pitiful shame, isn't it?

I just finished this book called 'Hard Times' by Shaun Attwood, that someone let me read. And in this book, he told everything he went through in Joe Arpaio's jail. He also walked me through his change and thought process. And that is why I am writing this now, because I realize my screw-up and am man enough to admit that I fucked up.

Now don't you dare expect me to change over night Ms. Wenzel, it just isn't going to happen!!! But I am going to continue using the meditations that you taught me (with all the people waving at me now). Yeah, if I had thought about using it before, maybe I wouldn't have cut myself, huh? Which is something else I learned from all of this too, Ms. Wenzel, it does no good to fret and worry over what you did or didn't do in the past, cause no matter what, you can't go back and change the outcome. All you can do is learn from it, work to do better, and move on from it. As Albert Ellis said in his book, the more you practice something, the easier it is to do and pretty soon, you'll be doing it like second nature, without even thinking about it.

I know I have it in me to change...If I'm willing to put in the work, it's all up to me. It doesn't matter if others think I can or not, because they are just observers and bystanders. It all comes down to me and what I want to accomplish, what my goals are. So what have I decided to do? I have stop letting the small shit get to me. I have to retrain my mind and thoughts to think first instead of just reacting to any situation. I have a long road ahead of me...I hope you'll stay the journey and help me with feedback, advice and encouragement when you can. It's a long road, but I have to start somewhere, don't I?

For now though, that is all I wanted to talk about Ms. Wenzel. I know you'll set me right if I fuck-up, and you and I both know it will happen sooner or later (probably alot sooner;-)) It just comes down to how I respond to it when it does. I will continue to keep writing these posts like a letter because it actually helps me think about what's going on.

Well Ms. Wenzel, thanks for listening to me ramble on about my problems. I'm pretty sure you're tawning right now. So I'll close with an old quote from Marcus Aurelius:

"The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second is to look things in the face and Know them for what they are."

Until next time, I remain,

Respectfully Yours,
[Signature]
Bobby Bayer 14196320
12-B-55 cell