Blog Post to Ms. Newman
April 20th, 2017 For Therapy Purposes

Dear Ms. Newman,

Hello to you. I hope you're having a great day, or at least a better day than yesterday. I don't
know when you'll get this, but I wanted to congratulate you on getting on my short list of
people I blog too. What I write to you here will end up on my blog page, so nobody can say I'm
trying to hide something. Of course Ms. Newman, I would expect yu to share these posts with Ms.
Wenzel, too.

I don't know if you realize what you did yesterday Ms. Newman, other than just talk to me while
I was in the cage, so I thought I would tell you. You changed my mind and my course I had set
and was dead (pun intended) set to finish. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me start when
I seen you in the medical ER.

You and Ms. Fancher come in and was playing with the officer while I was sitting in blood-soaked
boxers, just waiting and planning for the next chance I had to off myself. I was watching the 3
of ya'll joking and playing, but I really wanted to say something to ruin ya'lls good mood.

There was multiple times you glanced in my direction and quickly looked away. (Ms. Wenzel has
told me a few times, that I pay close attention to details, and I do, because thats just me) I
don't know if you wanted to say something or if you were just keeping watch on your surroundings,
but I noted it because, honestly, I wanted other people to hurt as I was, and I was willing to
say anything cause what did I have to lose anyways?

So, since I'm such an asshole anyways, why didn't I unload Ms. Newman? I had opened my mouth a
couple of times to do so. Yet I didn't because I actually saw you let down your shields and act
human. Just listening to the three of ya'll joking made me realize I had no right to screw up
the jolly atmosphere by opening my rap. My problems are mine, and I shouldn't take them out on
ya'll. Also, I actually enjoyed watching the interplay between ya'll and the way ya'll interacted
with each other, because in this shit hole, I don't see it enough. And when there was listening
to you and Ms. Fancher laughing and smiling. I don't care where I am, what I'm doing, a laugh
always makes me want to laugh and smile too.

After ya'll left, Mrs. Weatherby and Mrs. Tatum came in, and Mrs. Weatherby actually looked
crestfallen and disappointed, as well as really concerned, in me. Mrs. Tatum started to say some-
thing, and I just opened up the guns on her and let her have it. Shit, like I said earlier, I
was set to kill myself, so fuck it, I'll go out with everything off my chest. I didn't disre-
spect her, probably only because Mrs. Weatherby was there, but I sure wanted to. Now, ask me if
I felt better afterwards...Nope. There was no satisfaction in going off, except as I was saying
it. When I was done, I just felt empty and unsatisfied because everything I said didn't have accomp-
lish anything but make me look like an idiot and an asshole. So no, I didn't feel any better.
Thanks for asking. ;-)

Anyways, Mrs. Roberts came to evaluate me and I was so mad because I didn't feel satisfaction
from venting on Mrs. Tatum, I wanted to shock Mrs. Roberts. She talked to me and I told her I was
dead set on finishing what I started cause I'm tired of reliving these childhood nightmares every
damn time I close my eyes and I can't escape them .So she was going to send me to crisis Manage-
ment as Skyview. And then, they put me in the cage.

Ms. Newman, I could tell there were a couple of times you wanted to say something as you were
waiting around in the hallway...And honestly, I was just waiting for you to say something so I
could lash out as you too. Every time you came into my sight, I would look at you for a second,
then look away. But then I flashed back to hearing you laugh and seeing you smile, which is a
side of you I haven't seen till yesterday. And that's when I decided 'Fuck it, I'll pay something
first and respond after she makes her comment with something negative, whatever it is. But I will
not allow her to stop me from reaching my goal.

And when you responded, it wasn't anything like I expected. When I called your name, and started
telling you that the message wasn't totally directed at you, but also at other offenders in the
group, I actually saw your face soften a little. And then when you asked me if this was part of
the reason I cut myself, I began to talk to you even though I had no intention do so.

I honestly didn't expect that question from you Ms. Newman, and you threw me off. I expected you
to say okay, and walk off. Each time we have talked Ms. Newman, it seemed you were always in a hurry
to get away. and this is one reason I thought you didn't know what, if anything, I did to offend you.
And I never thought that you had your own demons to deal with either.

When you asked that question Ms. Newman, I could only respond with my true feelings, without any
type of shield, of what I am going through. And the whole time, in my skill, I'm telling myself
you really don't give a fuck what happens to me, and you're not going to change my mind.

And then, as we are talking, by your body expressions, by moving your hands and facial movements,
I seen true feelings