LETTER TO LADY K #5
MOOD: HEAVEY HARTED, MOURNFUL, CHOOKED UP THOUGHTS: MISSING YOU SO MUCH
SONG: GOD GAVE ME YOU SONG: HYPNOTIZE THE MOON
SINGER:GOD, YOUR MAMA AND ME SINGER: CLAY WALKER
SINGER:FLORDIA GEORGIA LINE & BACKSTREET BOYS SONG: WHEN YOU LET HER GO
SINGER: ED SHERIN
Dearest Lady K,
How writing this hurts right now. I just watched you leave and dry away, and I cried the whole time. You're one special woman Lady K, and you will be missed, but NEVER forgotten! Atleast I can say you gave me one of your sincere, genuine and special smiles before you left. I hope you got the card I had someone take you before you left.
Damn Lady K, why'd you have to leave? Are you happy now? If you are , then that's all that matters to me Lady K, even if it means missing you so much. I did get my wish though, before I left the program: to see you smile and hear you laugh one last time.
As you are no longer here, I can now be completely open and honest with you, whereas before, I couldn't tell you because I didn't want you to get into trouble. I don't think I could hide my feelings for you at all, and having to keep them to myself was hard.
When I fell, I fell hard Lady K. and now I'm paying for it. Damn Lady K, you mean so much to me!!! Who is there now for me to go out in the hallway to make laugh and smile like I did you? To hear you just talk was so calming Lady K, that that was all I craved every day, t o have to be escorted somewhere.
You blew me away Lady K. I don't even want to look out the window now because I know you're not coming back. I know I can't give up now, because that would show everything you did to help me was for not. Now I know why I've never allowed myself to fall in love with anyone since Lydia, 27 years ago. For one, there hasn't been anyone special come along, until you: and two, because it hurts so much when you louse them.
I know you didn't intend this, nor did I, but because you were just you and not trying to be anyone else, you showed me who you really were. You captured me from the word hello Lady k, even though tried to stop it.
I'm going to include a post I wrote and had removed that I told you about, because even back then, I was blown away. I can't finish this letter right now Lady K. because it hurts too much right now.I'll close this with something somebody recently told me: As long as you're still alive and breathing, then theres always hope. That's all I have to look forward too, hope that you'll contact me sooner or later.
Just because you're gone, don't forget I've got mini-you here. No, its not the same, but she's still know you're alright and doing great and happy. I hope you'll respond sooner or later to at least let me know you're alright and doing great and happy. Thanks for all your help Lady K, and remember, you are one beautiful and attractive woman, both inside and out!!!
Here is the old post I wrote:
WRAPPED AROUND HER FINGER
Hello my friends... Welcome back to my humble adode. I hope that all is well within ya'lls world. Things are going alright in mine, as far as they can be, anyways.
Well, before I get to my topic of the day, I do have some great news, yet it could be bad news too. I finally went to my first Phase Two group on Friday, the 3rd. That's the good news. The bad news...its one less time to go to group!!!:-( Oh well, I guess if I'm to advance in life and better myself, then I have to accept that fact that I can't stay in Phase Two Forever...
So what's today's topic? I don't know what to call it, but am thinking of ' Wrapped Around Her Finger' Honestly, I woke up in the middle of the night and got to thinking about it. It kinda came outta no where, yet to be open. I guess it has been sitting in the back of my mind this whole time. I know you can guess who is the main subject of it, but its different then before. This foes heart deep and to my very core.
So, in my forty years of living, there has been many women in my bed. Yet, do you know the only ones that matter to me are the ones that have never been there. Hmmm, lets see if I can explain this without messing it up.
In an earlier post, I mentioned my Aunt laura and Uncle Chuck ( my moms best friend and her husband).
They had a daughter named Tammy. I can remember always going over to their house almost every weekend when I was about 6 til about 9. I mean, they were just like family. And I am so embarrassed to admit it, but Tammy had me wrapped around her finger. I mean, her I am a boy, and she had me playing Barbie Dolls with her. Of corse were were young when this happened, but still! It didn't matter what she wanted, I'd do it. I was hers no matter what. It wasn't until later that I found out that our parents were hoping that when she and I got older, we would become a couple and so forth. Well, that was dashed when I was sent to Louisiana.
I lost contact with her, and when I went back to California in 89-90, to live with my mom, I never even seen her. But still remember those times we had at her home, or at church, or at the park by her house. Yea, she was kinda spoiled too. I mean, her mom and dad made sure she had all she wanted. Yet during those times she was mine.
That was the first girl to ever have me wrapped around her finger.
And the second... I talked about her in an earlier post too. I think the post was called "First Love"
Yep, I'm talking about Lydia Darr. She was the 2nd girl to ever have me wrapped around her finger. Then, we were just kids, but I thought she was the one. Once I was shipped back to Louisiana again, we lost contact because my family didn't want to get her address for me so I could write her. Remember, you young whipper-snappers, there wasn't a thing call internet at that time.
The third and final Lady who has me wrapped around her finger...Is the one and only Spider Whisperer !!!
What is it that all these woman have that one of the ones I have been with do? Well, lets see if I can explain it with my Spider Whisperer...
Yes, she looks awesome, could win any beauty contest as far as I'm concerned, and is rightly proportioned. Yet what stands out the most to me, is her personality, her demeanot, her love of life,and she is willing to pus you to be your best. There is something to be said for looks. I agree. As for me, I look inside the woman and that tells me who she is. Damn, I'm getting toung tied now.
I enjoy her company and what she has to say. All the girls I had been with before, they didn't intrest me more than a mouth or two at the most, even if I stayed longer. It was security until something better came along. I haven't found a woman who could hold my ingtrest and ingauge me totally into their lives. They lived boring, unassuming lives, the same shid day after day, wanting the same things over and over. No imagination or drive or desire to anything withselfs. I would buy them clothes to dress up, cause I like my woman do dress nice, especially when we're going out to dinner or the club. They didn't like putting in the work or effort to look good for me, or themselves.
Their conversations were boring and showed no imagination nor inspiration. Now I'm not faulting them for these things, its just the way they were raised. But they wouldn't put no effort into the relationship, to change it or make it better. I would just go on until something better came along, or I got arresseted.
Yet I know my Spider Whisperer is different. She broke the mold when she was made. She's classy and sassy; imaginative and can talk about anything. She dresses like she's a million dollars, and she is. She carries herself respectfully, but underneath, you can tell she's confident and proud of who she is and what she has done. You can also see, if you look closely, that she has that wild girl side to her too. She has this whole range of looks that she'll give you, depending on what type of mood she is in or what you've done.
While we're talking about her attributes and looks, let me tell you, I am blown away because of my reactions to this hot firecracker of a woman. I don't date white chicks, unless their redheads, but here I am totally smitten to this beautiful dirty blond/brunette, who can charm spiders and men. As for her height, yeah she's perfect in that regard too. Just the way I like'em Short and Fiesty!;-)
Then, what I think has me the most, is a woman, she's not afraid to listen to people. I don't mean just while you're talking and having a conversation, but she sees deeper into what you're saying and figure out where its coming from. I know every time I talk to her, she is very attentive and understanding, but not patronizing and if she doesn't understand, then she'll probe deeper into it till she does. She don't look down at you, but wants to build you up to be better, to do better the next time, and to be the best you can be. And she does it easily, it seems, without any type of effort. You know how you can feel it when someone is faking interest? With her, you know she's the genuine article. When you're done talking to her and walking away, you feel saddened that the conversation is over.
She has made such an impact on my life, that I'm ruined for the rest of womankind!(HAHAHA) No joke. After meeting her, I don't want anyone else unless they match up to her standards. I don't see that happening. To me, I don't want anyone else unless they match up to her standards. And I don't see that happening. To me, my friends, I know she has her life to live, and doesn't have time to wait rather be able to call her friend and know that I could still tell her anything, and she me. I would rather have her in my life as a friend, knowing that I have her back no matter what, that I'll be there for her when she needs someone to talk to, then not have her at all.
Yes, I'd love nothing better than to be able to call her MINE! Have her all to myself to enjoy her smile in the morning, and watch her go to sleep; to see her just be herself. ANd that is a goal that can never be extinguished. But reality is, I have to work hard for it and I have along way to go, especially after the fuck ups I've been doing lately. But a man without a goal or dream, is a man without direction and no hope in succeeding. I have a goal, even if I don't reach it. I know what I am aiming for.
Well, there it is...I woke up in the middle of the night and it hit me. I know there are lots of other things I could tell you about her, but I have to find them out myself. She's like a puzzle that you have to refigure out every day, anew. She's exactly what I like: A woman that makes me stay on my toes and guessing what's going on threw that beautiful head of hers. Yep, I'm wrapped around her finger and I've got it bad!
When I have some more, you can be sure I'll let you know about it. I'm sure if she ever reads this, she'll brain me if she can. But I can't lie about what I feel or want. She's got herself to blame for this really, because she's the one who woke me up and brought me back to life and wanting to live the best I can... And she's the best...So she can only blame herself. Yet we all know, a woman will always try to blame the guy. And I'm cool with that. Right now, she has the upper hand.
Alright my friends, I guess I'm not talking about much else right now. I'm probably boring you with my running commentary of my Spider Whisperer, but hey, its what's going on in my head at this time. Besides, nobody is giving me any topics to talk about, so I will write about what's going on in my world. You want me to write about anything, then let me tell know and I will; until then, I can only write about what I know or am living though, right now. I have to come up with my own topics..... and right now, it's all about the finger I'm wrapped around!!!;-)It's so wonderful!!!
Hope to hear from ya'll soon. Until then, take care, keep your head up, write when you can... and know that my world is ya'lls world too...
The Grizzly Bear
So, are you ready to brain me yet? I'm sure you are, if you're read this. But like I've told you many a time, I wont lie to you, disrespect you, and will always be blunt. If you're reading this, I just wanted to let you know Lady K, that your friendship would mean the world to me, because even though your so far away, I know if I told you a problem or something going on, you'd be there to help me figure it out, and overcome it. Besides, we all need special people that we can always vent too, that we know wont judge us, but be there for us. I hope you'll let us become friends Lady K.
Until later, let me close this letter down. They are feeding jonnies right now. As you know, its not fun being on this unit. Ohay Lady K... Take care of yourself, stay safe and know that you are never far from my thoughts, and are always in my prayers. Keep your head up. You are special!!!!!Never Forget That! I do miss you already!
Your Grizzly Bear
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