Jun. 22 2017
A Brief Note From Up The Creek...

You must dig deep to get to the roots...or

Dependent on What?

I've suffered with addiction issues most of my life. In the past two and a half decades, I've repeatedly relapsed. Admitted that failure to all who care to read this is quite painful for me to do. Why?

I've spent more than half my life battling my addiction. However, the addiction has been a form of self-medicating against intense emotional pain, emotional pain that seemed to have no cause. It was barely acknowledged.

Addiction you see has never been my problem that is why I could never solve it. If you have a broken leg, it will cause you great pain. Medicate that pain all you wish but once that wears off the pain will in fact return. Your problem isn't the pain, your leg is broken, and that is your problem!

Back to the question: Why dies it hurt, actually cause me pain, to admit I've repeatedly relapsed? Because I am emotionally dependent on how you see me, your perception of me. If I sense you perceive me in a negative way, I feel horrible and that I must therefore be defective, worthless.

Recently I just gave up. I was done. I've Tried "Religion," psychology, psychiatry, drugs, rehab, all to no avail. I came to the end of my resources and I was done. But God...

He took over when I finally came to the end of self. He began to show me what my true problem was, and it wasn't drugs and alcohol! My problem is I am an emotionally dependent, other-validated, and emotionally fused individual. I am dependent on everything and everyone for my wellbeing. Since I exist in a fallen world and lack the ability to control every single aspect of...well of everything, I had a real problem.

So, I'm flawed individual and it doesn't bother me if that cause you to think less of me. Today. Yesterday it would have devastated me.

Guess what? God has spoken to me and let me know he can use professional in His service, even a professional failure like me. ;)

Please pray for me as I pray for any who may read these words.

God bless and keep us all as we journey along the paths He chose for us-amen.

Love Russ