Personal Journal

5/4/18
The days have gotten longer, not just light longer, but the hours take forever to pass. And when I go back to my memories of my Steve, my brothers, my old friends I became sad and down, and have to fight it off, so here I am.

I took the last of the Prednizone yesterday thirty days. I can't see where it did anything to help my arthritis. I do have an appointment to see the doctor next week to discuss the x-rays on my feet. :)

It's easy to get trapped in a sad mood. :[

5/6/18
Sunday
Just another day in prison and it has me thinking where did yesterday go? All the yesterdays.

I have yet to hear anyone ask for advice on how to combine friendship and love. It is said that the betterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.

I've been doing some Mother's Day cards this year to supplement my income. I realized just how much I missed my mother. She was far from perfect but she loved me fully. A boy needs his mother. I aboy needs his mother. :-(

5/7/18
I woke up this morning in some kind of bad moods. Little Jimmy had put something over the window to block out the light during the night and I lost it. Jerked it down and slammed it against the wall. I don't know why. Maybe because I don't like being in the dark. Maybe it's because I'm in so much pain in the morning and it hurts even more to move. The noise gets louder in my head in the dark, and I sometimes want to slam it against the wall.

I don't know if I'm crazy anymore or not. I used to know that I was crazy and accepted it. No one should be sane and locked away in one of these places alone.

I'm starting to forget a lot of things. Names are the worst. :) I must remember at all times that there is no need to plea bargain, manipulate, or beg. State my claim and accept it mentally. Then let it go.

5/8/18
Take refuge somewhere in my mind. Don't think out loud. Changes are inevitable at the day's end. Wisdom will follow. Zero attachments, zero disappointments.

The sun is coming up, making the sky red coming over the distant hills. I often wonder what is on the other side of the hills. Maybe there's a valley with a river running through it. Maybe there's a farm over there with animals. Maybe there's a place to park a little trailer. For sure there would be no prisons.

It was already 90 degrees yesterday. Jimmy's moving around. Time for the kid to get up. He's doing okay, driving me nuts. He's only got about four months left. Counts his days every day as if they were going to change. Makes me nuts. Maybe I made a mistake so I change the numbers and add a couple of days and then watching him take an hour to redo the whole thing. :)

He's able to call his sister now and then. Got to talk to his mama and got a letter from her. He got a letter from his girlfriend yesterday. First one in awhile. She's moved on. She still loves him and wants him to be a part of her life. First real love. I remember that. It stays in your heart forever.

Life will continue. How is yours going?

5/11/18
Things are slow here. I've been doing a lot of reading. I just reread Albert Einstein's article Cosmic Religion. Cosmic religions recognize neither dogmas nor a god made in man's image. Man's plight would, indeed, be made if he had to be kept in order through fear of punishment and hope of rewards.

I am and have been for a long time believer that God is everything, starting in the cosmos. God is the stars and everything is stardust. Earth is a rock from a star and everything evolves and will continue to evolve. It is the nature of things and God is nature.

I have studied Rudolf Steiner's Anthroposophy of Science and Religion for years. Einstein put it in a few words that God is everything.

5/13/18
Today is Jimmy's birthday. He turned 20. There won't be any party. We won't have any cake. I did make him a card and have all his friends sign it. Birthdays are important dates in a person's life. The one day of the year that belongs to you, no mater how many other people came into the world that day. There are two very important dates: our birthdays and our end dates. :) We celebrate both if you think of it. :)

I hope Jimmy will keep this card and look at it every now and then, and remember his friends. Mostly remember where he was and never want to come back.

It's also Mother's Day, another important day in a boy or man's life. You always love your mother. After all, she was there when you were born. :) My mother passed away some years back, but I still think about her and miss her. I always send her a Mother's Day card when I know the address. I made some cards this year and made sure Jimmy sent one to his mother.

It's nice to have family, people who love you. I think I had that once but I'm not even sure anymore. Maybe there was never anyone. Just a dream. Maybe this is all a dream. Time to wake up.

I think I'll try to paint today. My hands feel pretty good.

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in the silence
I have become lost
scared of the dark
afraid to move on
unpleasant situations
from bad places
with feelings of anger
feelings of worry
feelings of self-pity
light refelcting
off the objects around me
sunrise has come
to my world
if I could move
I would run away
I have become paralyzed
in the fear
of becoming old
existing alone forever
in a world
of forgotten.

5/13/18
Steve Burkett