7/24/18

Dear Outside World,
Does anyone out there know what it is like to be in prison inside your mind? How do you deal with it? being inside the belly of the beast (prison) for 38 years—in which 20 of those years were spent in solitary confinement in a windowless cell, 23 hours a day—, I learned that your mind can be your best friend and worst enemy.

In prison, especially in solitary confinement, you spend a lot of time alone with your thoughts and living in your mind. Either you find a balanced way of doing the time or the time will do you! I have a few preset thought patterns that I shuffle through on a daily basis.

First, I have my worst case scenario mentality where I imagine the judge denies my post-conviction relief petition, I catch a new charge, or I experience some serious health issue. Those are some of the things I fear the most. I try to catch myself when I fall into that negative mindset. My body usually tells me when I wound too tightly, and then I'm able to use deep breathing meditation to relax myself and let my body unwind. Once I realize my nightmare scenarios are only in my mind, it's easy for me to let go of those thoughts. I know I can cope with the present moment and will cope with any other moment when it presents itself, but it's a waste of time and energy to focus on what I cannot change. I truly believe that the fear we feel about a lot of horrible possibilities is greater than the thing itself.

My second thought pattern, which I know a lot of others experience, is the "it is what it is" mindset. Just imagining things will never change. That kind of thinking makes me feel powerless over my circumstances and future. It paralyzes me, and drives me to be inactive and complacent. Whenever I find myself starting to go down that rabbit hole of thinking, I try to imagine a life and future a little better than the one I'm living now.

The last thought pattern I got caught in, which I do the most, is daydreaming. I spend a lot of time dreaming about being rich or hitting the lottery. I spend long hours with fantasies of the perfect life, and those dreams help me escape the darkness of being inside this belly of the beast. But even those dreams of a fantasy lifestyle can be harmful, so I try to dream about realistic goals that I can work towards making a reality.

What I've learned from my 20 years of solitary confinement is that daydreaming and fantasies can be good for the soul. Creativity and imagination are crucial for envisioning our future and achieving goals. The key is keeping a healthy balance and always pushing ourselves to get out of our heads and into our lives.

I'm going to dream that, after reading this, someone will go to icaregifts.com and order a pizza for me. Send it to Christopher Trotter, 862256.

Strong but human!
Christopher Trotter, 862556
P.O. Box 1111
Carlisle, IN 47838