ppp3
Personal Journal
(2)

[Transcriber's note: Parts of these scans appear to be parts of different posts. Continuing based on current scans.]

—just mean the ones in uniform. Sure do miss Jimmy Lee. I could use a laugh this morning, and he always knew how to make me laugh. I'll try to call him this evening.

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10/7/18

If I repeat myself again and again, it may be because I repeat my days over and over. It is hard to find something new to write when each day is the same as all the ones that came before it with small variations, like a musical theme with modifications in rhythm, timing, harmony, or key. Where everything sounds and looks the same. This is not to say this boredom is not often broken with a note, a message from someone who feels me, a thought of the one I love—like a telepathic message letting me know I'm not alone.

Sunday morning, sitting in my cage, staring at the wall, the pictures on the walls not afraid of dying. Just of losing the battle of life's endless war. I should slow down and read what I write, correct the spelling, rewrite everything, make it legible. But then I find nothing legible in this prison, my prison. My hope is that all will be able to decipher and understand my rambling where even I get lost.

Sometimes I think I'm as crazy as Jack Pollock, and I can't even draw a straight line. But I often wait for the guards to come with the straitjacket.

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10/10/18

I went over Monday and picked up a package. I had to carry it from R&R through the gate. Then Jake the sake ran over and carried it around the truck to the building. He said I was red-faced and looked as if I might pass out. For sure, the distance from R&R to the gate is less—

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10/13/18
Love Note

My Dearest Love,

You look beautiful standing there in the morning sunlight. The words "pretty as a picture" come to mind as I sit here looking at you with my memories' eye. The scenes behind you change with the seasons year after year, and you go from 17 to 70 and back again in my heart. You're still beautiful, not only in the morning sunlight but in all light. It's just that the morning sun brings out the beauty in your eyes more and outlines the smile on your face. Sometimes I think I can see wings. I know the same glow looks like a halo above your head.

It is quiet today with only the sounds of the wind blowing from the fan. I can clearly hear your voice in my mind and, when you think I'm not listening, you begin to sing. It's an old Dolly song "And I Will Always Love You", and, yes, my love, from you to me, it sounds better than even Whitney Houston. Maybe it's the best because I know you're singing it to me and I can feel the love in your heart. You know that I feel the same and will always love you. The song makes me happy and makes me cry.

I miss you so much. There are days I just stare at the sun watching you smiling and singing. If there are tears on my cheeks, know that they are tears of joy. Because knowing you love me is my happiness. 55 years, my love, and more to come.

I'll always love you
Forever and ever,
Your Steve

===

your smile

in complete darkness
sitting in the silence
of my own solitude
seeking your smile
craving your touch

I am on a journey
searching for your embrace
look for your pure heart
separating the dreams
from the real world

if I've learned anything
it is the past
no longer exists
except as yesterday
music and memory

only that memory
is like a thought
it weighs nothing
you can't hold it
in your arms

most of my memories
over forty years old
are forever altered
in my mind by time
emotion and more time

sitting in silence
in complete darkness
alone with your smile

10/12/18
Steve Burkett