4ev4
Personal Journal

We've been getting a lot of rain over the last week or so. We need it and sometimes I love to go out and play in it. Walk circles around the track in it if the wind is not blowing too hard. Sideways into my face. :) I could drive around in it for hours or park on the corner and sing along to the music as the raindrops keep time on the roof, the windshield. The motor running, the heater blowing, the windshield wipers keeping time, holding my Jeannie in my arms. I don't ask much, just let me have yesterday back.

Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, save it for a rainy day. Caught myself crying again today, don't know what's coming over me anymore.

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1-17-19

It's hard for me to sit here so I don't know how much I'm going to be able to write, but I need to start something. This cold weather has everything in my body hurting. :) So the doctor asks me, "Where do you feel the pain?" "That's not the question, doctor. It's where do you not hurt?" :)

I can't close my hands right now. They're swollen up. Both feet are swollen up and my big toe hurts. It's my lower back and knees that are the worse right now. I have a hot water bottle on my lower back. Makes it feel good while it's on there, but I can't walk. That hurts too much. I'm going to tell them I'll take the pain medication right now. I just hate standing in that line for an hour to get them. They make you feel good, but they don't really do much for the pain. I want one of the bocher they have for arthritis. :) Costs too much.

I did got a drawing started of my Jeannie. I'm using the new graphite pencils my friend gave me for my birthday. I would have been done with it already except I can't sit up long enough to work on it.

I'm starting to feel light-headed. I need to stop and eat something. I haven't even been going to the mess hall. The walk's bad enough, but sitting there for 20 minutes!

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1-20-19

I've been using this muscle rum (Capsarcim Cream) that someone gave me for muscle and joint pain, backaches, and arthritis. It gets hot, but it doesn't stink. Working pretty good on my back leg. :|

Right now, not a lot going on here. Was hoping to be able to do more writing. I did work on the drawing I'm doing of my Jeannie yesterday, but even that's going slow. Don't want to stay in one position too long.

Lord, when all my work is done, bless me with at least one old friend.

I've been watching these old country music rerun shows from the '60s and '70s. You know the ones where you cry and smile for the loss of your youth. :)

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1-21-19

I don't know why no one told me before to try this muscle rum (One, RNA). It works great. I didn't feel any discomfort in my back and leg when I got up this morning. I'm thinking about putting some on my knees. It hurts like hell right now. It said arthritis on the tube. :) I can't use it on my hands because I'm continuously touching my face. I've been double washing my hands after putting it on my back. Still, I was able to get some just out my eye last night, and it burned like hell. Cold water and lotion got it off after a while. :)

I almost had me a celly yesterday, but in the end he said he had to pass when he found out I get write up every once in a while. He gets family visits and said his wife would kill him if he did anything to lose them. :) I understand, but I can't live like I'm dead.

I watched play-off football yesterday. Both teams I picked to win won (NE and LARIA). Too bad I didn't have some money to bet on them.

I did a little reading in the morning, a magazine and some poetry out of one of the poetry books I have. I did get to work on the drawing of my Jeannie. Almost done with the face. It's easier to do when you can sit up more than a few minutes at a time.

It's Monday morning, a holiday. The rains have passed for now. Everything is soaked, everything is green. So many colors of green. I don't even know them all.

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1-23-19

Lost in a fog this morning, sulking too much. That is to say, catching up on all the days I lost when my back was hurting. Slept all day yesterday and the night before. Last night too.

I'm going to start on cleaning the cell after breakfast. It hasn't been getting much attention the last few weeks. :) Don't get me wrong, my knees and hands still hurt this morning, but they don't seem like so much after that back pain. :)

I can still remember years ago before I had the blog, before my Jeannie came back into my life, before Mama passed. I couldn't get myself to get out of bed in the mornings. I would just lay here for hours in the dark, wondering if it was ever going to be over. Now I'm out of bed with the radio on singing, wondering what I'm going to do today. What I'm going to write about. What will I learn today. And for more than 10 years now, I haven't been to the hole. That's saying something or I'm just getting old. :) Maybe it's just the beauty of her smile, the smile that exalts my mind and spirit. It's nice to be able to open my eyes and the morning and see her smile surrounding me.

I think I might be falling into depression. I have to watch myself or I'll lose myself. I have to force myself to do something right now. Almost talked myself out of getting out of bed today, and I was wide awake. Then I tried to talk my into getting back into it for a moment. I could use the cold for an excuse, but it's not that cold. It's not good to feel alone too much. I don't mean being without a celly. But the feeling of being in this world alone. I walk the yard, all of my old friends are gone. It has always been hard for me to make close friends. Becoming even harder here in my older years. Trust issues.

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1/27/19
SUNDAY
in S.F.

It's funny how time seems to stand still yet flows by at the same time. My days seem to be long-lasting forever yet it passes me by. Yesterday was Wednesday and today is Sunday. Where is everyone at? Where has everyone been?

I got four new books of poetry from the Prisoner Literature Project (PLP) this week. I don't know why, but books of poetry are hard to come by in here. It was never like that in the old days over at Folsom, but then we had a lot of the poets come and read with us. But we were all poets back then. There are books of old poets here, some I know well from my youth (Bly, Keats, Yeats). Poets I didn't understand in college but speak to my mind, heart, and soul now. Then there's the one book of new poems, love poems (2018). "You Only Love Me When I'm Suffering/" I'll write them a thank you note this week.

It seems the harder I try to do something, the less I get done. What am I waiting for? I've just noticed how cold it is in here right now. It saids 34 degrees outside. I can feel that with the heater off in here. My fingers feel like icicles breaking off. I've wrapped them around the hot pot to warm them up, put a hot water bottle on my lower back. It's not hurting, only my left knee. :) A blanket over my shoulders, and I'm ready to go.

Looking for inspiration out of these poetry books to write some more poetry myself. I've finished drawing my Jeannie. Just looking at her sitting there inspires me to start something else. Today's what? :) What would inspire me in everything I do is to hear from someone. More or less to come.

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standing under a streetlight
with thoughts of her in my heart
writing a poem in my mind
will there be enough light
will there be enough time
for me to write down
all the things I forgot to say
before I wonder off into that daydream

will this light last forever
like this love I hold for her
or will it fade overtime like
the memories of our youth
changing with the wind to fit
the way we wanted it to be
before all the streetlights dimmed

Steve Burkett
1/24/19

In a single moment
of clarity
I know you only ever
had to say
"I love you" once
and that it should be
enough for me
forever

From. Jon Lupin

You only love me when I'm suffering