Sept. 29, 2019

Cracked Mirror

by Troy Hendrix (author's profile)



I often reflect on the countless experiences that I have experienced during my existence, and this reflection brings with it a mixture of euphoria and melancholy. My heart swells with elation, whenever my thoughts recall the blissful moments when I was free and far removed from solitude. The moments when my thoughts were filled with ambition, aspirations, and high hopes—not pain, misery and hopelessness.

I entered the realms of solitary confinement in 2006, and my placement has extended over a span of 13 years (and counting). This confinement was "supposedly" designed to "help" not hurt, but in all actuality, it inflicts nothing but destruction and devastation upon the mental and emotional well-being of anyone subjected to these conditions. The destruction that I have seen in others around me was a "mirror" reflection of what I have seen in myself. Nevertheless, I remained in denial for many years because I feared being the person that I saw reflected within that cracked "mirror."

Becoming a product of my environment has made me desensitized, and I lost a huge chunk of normalization. Before my placement in solitary, I had many flaws, but subjection to these isolated conditions for so long has exacerbated most of them and created a few new ones. I clearly recognized the exacerbation of my flaws upon seeing my reflection within this cracked "mirror."

For quite some time, I avoided looking at my reflection because I was unable to accept who I had become. I did not want to be inflicted with the SHU syndrome like everyone else around me, but I eventually realized that this infliction is inevitable. This cruel confinement was designed to bend and twist your will power, test your resolve, and eradicate motivation. The subjection to this extreme isolation has been burdensome and has placed tremendous amount of strain on my mind and spirits.

I cannot narrow down or pin point one particular thing that constantly motivates me to maintain my constructive attitude. Today I could be motivated by a song, tomorrow's motivation can come from a book or letter, and next week I could learn and be motivated by the mistakes or success of others. Unfortunately, the things that may motivate me today, could discourage and dishearten me tomorrow. Motivation is necessary in this dispiriting environment, especially since depression and democralization is inevitable.

Every day I fight to avoid being blanketed by the dark clouds of depression. Every day I do all I can to keep a tight grip unto my sanity because insanity threatens me daily. And every day I build up the strength and courage to face the person reflected within this cracked "mirror."



Replies (4) Replies feed

TonyParchment21 Posted 2 months, 1 week ago. ✓ Mailed 1 month, 3 weeks ago   Favorite
Hey Troy may not remember me but this is Tony...Tasha Son l love and miss you big bro...keep holding your head up and stay in touch ...I'll be checking for a response...

Troy Hendrix Posted 1 month, 3 weeks ago.   Favorite
(scanned reply – view as blog post)

TonyParchment21 Posted 1 month, 2 weeks ago. ✓ Mailed 3 weeks, 5 days ago   Favorite
Love you big bro , I appreciate that to the fullest, and no matter even though our memories remain stuck in a time loop of greatness and what I can say is the best years of my life, I hope to build new mental memories through verbal expression from one another on daily basis. I'm glad you remain strong and free will in your mind and heart because this system is designed to break men like us but as long as we have family love one another,respect for one another and most importantly God, then I feel that well shall triumph over all bars held beneath us mentally and physically.

justice Posted 1 month ago. ✓ Mailed 3 weeks, 5 days ago   Favorite
You deserve your punishment. Romona Moore did not deserve hers. I feel no sympathy for you at all.

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