CRACKED MIRRORS

I often reflect on the countless experiences that I have experienced during my existence, and this reflection brings with it a mixture of euphoria and melancholy. My heart swells with elation, whenever my thoughts recall the blissful moments when I was free and far removed from solitude. The moments when my thoughts were filled with ambition, aspirations, and high hopes—not pain, misery and hopelessness.

I entered the realms of solitary confinement in 2006, and my placement has extended over a span of 13 years (and counting). This confinement was "supposedly" designed to "help" not hurt, but in all actuality, it inflicts nothing but destruction and devastation upon the mental and emotional well-being of anyone subjected to these conditions. The destruction that I have seen in others around me was a "mirror" reflection of what I have seen in myself. Nevertheless, I remained in denial for many years because I feared being the person that I saw reflected within that cracked "mirror."

Becoming a product of my environment has made me desensitized, and I lost a huge chunk of normalization. Before my placement in solitary, I had many flaws, but subjection to these isolated conditions for so long has exacerbated most of them and created a few new ones. I clearly recognized the exacerbation of my flaws upon seeing my reflection within this cracked "mirror."

For quite some time, I avoided looking at my reflection because I was unable to accept who I had become. I did not want to be inflicted with the SHU syndrome like everyone else around me, but I eventually realized that this infliction is inevitable. This cruel confinement was designed to bend and twist your will power, test your resolve, and eradicate motivation. The subjection to this extreme isolation has been burdensome and has placed tremendous amount of strain on my mind and spirits.

I cannot narrow down or pin point one particular thing that constantly motivates me to maintain my constructive attitude. Today I could be motivated by a song, tomorrow's motivation can come from a book or letter, and next week I could learn and be motivated by the mistakes or success of others. Unfortunately, the things that may motivate me today, could discourage and dishearten me tomorrow. Motivation is necessary in this dispiriting environment, especially since depression and democralization is inevitable.

Every day I fight to avoid being blanketed by the dark clouds of depression. Every day I do all I can to keep a tight grip unto my sanity because insanity threatens me daily. And every day I build up the strength and courage to face the person reflected within this cracked "mirror."

By TROY HENDRIX