Date: 1/14/2021 8:49:33 AM
Subject: Testings

Last night was sleepless.
Wee hours spent wrestling with angels n demons ...n myself!!!
All triggered by a purposeful "accident"

9:31pm
Decided I would stop holding it n mosey on 2 the bathroom. As usual I had 2 navigate through a
plethora of children who insist on taking up the whole hallway normally walking 2 by 2 under the
guise of "strength in numbers".

As I made it pass the phones n the kiosk I began 2 pass the sink n first room - a nightmare that
houses 8 people!!! Soon I heard the guy in the door get his guy by the sink attention I knew in
my spirit something was up! It's like he wasn't motivated 2 yell till he seen me! Something's up!

1 step past the "8-man", I felt it! So 2 did my glasses,which of course sent shock waves 2 my
nose ,left ear n corresponding cheek bone!

Thought it was an orange that hit me but as I seemingly n unexpectedly bent down 2 retrieve
the item I noticed what it was a "holdiay meat"! Handing it 2 the guy who " tossed" it he,trying
not 2 laugh at his successful "assault" commented ,"nice lookin."

Though I did the right thing my heart still felt some kinda way. Knew the guy did it with malicious
intent. His way of trying 2 "treat" me! Been at me since I came on the unit.

Started when I was forced 2 work in the kitchen. One day I was signing in the log book n he
commented while supposedly on the phone,"...the kitchen nothing without me! N_ggas can't
replace me...". Nother day I traveled 2 the shower, again he was on the phone! "Where u think
U going? Its our shower time!"

Then there's all the time he kept calling me somebody else name as a joke against that person!
Didn't say it 2 me directly but I knew;been through this b4. Just like when he say half cocked
things indirectly bout me when his guys in the bathroom with him,"look at dude,I bet I can..."
(which always had some act of violence attached). But when its just me n him then its ,"what's
up?" Same things with his guys! When its just 1 of em they full of conversation but when he
around I'm disdained! (we do this 2 Jesus!)

Just weeks ago he got mad I ain't sit with "them" till the police made me. "Oh, '_____' don't
want 2 sit with us! his crowd giggled.

Sitting down I confronted him
"I don't have a problem with y'all! I'd rather sit by myself n I ain't got shit 2 say!"
"That's cool!"
"Also my name ain't Junior!"
"Just saying y'all look alike", he again giggled.

Yet in the coming days he didn't choose 2 sit with me either n gave the police excuses.
Fine by me...

Back 2 last night...

Feeling some type of way I put my joy from the visit I just had aside n cryd out 2 God.
" God I know he did it on purpose! Y I got 2 keep getting hit in my face? Don't know I got the
love 2 keep turning the other cheek!(last prison I got hit in my face with a roll of tissue thrown at
bout 20 miles an hour! even got a knife -a butcher knife! pulled on me 4 gliding round singing
gospel songs!!!) Get sick of being the "bigger man".
God reminded me of how Jesus was the bigger man n that I 2,have a cross 2 bear!
Admittedly its getting heavier! Jesus gone have 2 help me carry it like Simeon helped Him carry
His! Also brought 2 mind all the being slapped,punched,kicked,whipped n spit upon Jesus went
through 4 me!
All I could angrily say was, "He Jesus!"
Me!?! not so much.
Further I had 2 confront whether I LOVE God or just Like Him?!?

There was a reminder of something He told me after the tissue incident in RGCI.
"Stay on the cross. Die there."
The hard part.
Specifically in the midst of a loud n stressful n violent environment.
Still got pride issues. So I got mad at God 4 putting me on the worse unit in the prison, 14 days
after I left the 2nd worse one!!! Apparently I have 2 endure something. Sometimes I'd rather not.
Seems my life is one test after another! Can't even bask in joy at blessings b4 a curse
pops up. So an hour after a visit I got 2 get hit in my face. Days after parole I gotta deal with
some brother from the church! trying 2 fight me. Trying 2 tell a lost soul bout Jesus got my
glasses knocked off my face! Sharing my testimony got me falsely accused of "lying on God!"
Feeding others got me stole from! Acknowledging I'm human n frail yet desire 2 b Christlike got
me criticized.

24yrs of prison ,after all I been through it would lessen at the end but its just the
opposite. Wanted 2 just sit in a room by myself n figure things out. Get back 2 reading my Bible
n getting on my knees n praying n just acknowledging Gods presence n praising Him. I'm
currently off center n that's the only way I know 2 get back on track!
Isolation
Solitude
the Bible
Quiet
Prayer
Honest meditation
Confession
Unburdening my heart
Fasting

Back at the ranch I could only recite scriptures the Holy Spirit brought 2 my remembrance
Touch not my anointed n do my prophets no harm
Vengeance is mines,I will repay says the Lord
Pray 4 Ur enemies (had 2 acknowledged, I'm not there yet!)

10:50pm
bathroom break!!!
Wouldn't U know it!as I returned the culprit decided 2 get my attention!
"Hey,bro My bad bout earlier, I was trying 2 toss a meat 2 my guy!"
Thinking "whatever" but said ,"its all good" n walked away as he echoed,"just want 2 get an
understanding."
His raspy growl at the trail end let know he was on some manipulation. Recognize his
mannerisms n whatnot from my studies of domestic violence. If I was a girl he woulda been
telling me how the incident is my fault!!! n what I could 2 avoid him hitting me next time.

In prayer I could only tell God how insincere I know the apology was n how I can't really accept
it. Know he'll try 2 do some underhanded shit today,tomorrow or the next day. Ain't got time 4 all
that. At wits end!

So much so at 1:30pm I sent out my last box of property, which leaves me with the one I'm gone
carry on the bus with me. So done with prison! N god reminded me that
"part of leaving prison behind is leaving the Prison mentality behind."

The saltiness that remains in my heart stems not from the situation per we but my response 2 it!
Still not sure y I picked up the projectile. Had 2 b an outer body experience initiated by the Holy
Spirit!!! Something in me inspired me 2 not respond how I would have years ago! Yet I found
myself upset I can't give the guy what his hands call 4!

Shows I still gotta DIE
Die
Die 2 self
Die 2 my will being done
Die 2 the things of this world
Die 2 sins my heart still attracted 2
Die that kinda spiritual death
Decrease so God in me can INCREASE

not even easier said than done

N Jesus said,

I send U out as sheep's among wolves therefore be wise as serpents
BUT
harmless as doves.