(Continuance)
5/24/2011

I reformed into a product of my environment, I became criminal just like my southern family. I met a guy in Sylvester Ga. and he started giving me large quantities of drugs. I started selling drugs, stripping shoplifting, robbery at stores, you name it and I would do it for money. One time I had some money with blood on it, my grandmother taught me how to use bleach to remove stains from money...
I looked up to her, I would tell her everything and she would always encourage me, I would buy her expensive stuff, pay all her bills.
I know, today, it all was wrong, and she used me. I had awful childhood and she was the first person to tell me they loved me. For that feeling and her love I would have done anything. Starting as a teenager I had made a name for myself. People borrowed money with interests back from me. I had met some of the most talented people who were criminals, my friends were these who could make several thousands a day. The southern area was called "C.M.E." which means "crime, murder, execution". People were afraid of that area, police has even been assaulted. Dope was sold in front of the church, it didn't matter if they were praising God. The people in the streets all have tried to get me for their own selfish reasons, pimps were really bad. One time, after leaving the strip club in Atlanta, a pimp tried to kidnap me. See, in the streets you meet good & bad people, some of them want to use you or be used by you, but they are predators and can tell if you have any business about yourself; you have people who have never worked, have best of everything. I remember one guy couldn't read or write, but he travelled all over gambling and never lost, I also remember one guy who would get naked and walk in between the red bean lines that trigger the alarm and open any company safe; one guy was labelled "the cat burglar", he would rob you and never seen him, he made headlines, he was wanted bad for serial burglary. I learned a lot. When you 're lost, you can't see you're breaking the law. We call it survival and money makes you independent. I had never had a family so I felt like I hit the lottery. I needed to belong , my personality became addicted to materialism. After few years passed, I was gone with the wind: my loyalty was for my family, like my grandmother said. I started drinking, smoking weed, and popping pills. It was easier to cope with the emotional volcano inside me, especially when reality sank in. There was no one to take care of me, I often wondered if anyone saw me as a person. But the street life was all I knew, I was tired of foster homes etc, I wasn't going back in that cycle any more. So, I gave up any hope for a better life. Crack cocaine started taking over, my mother became a crack addict, so there was no hope of establishing a relationship at all. I started getting into trouble with law. My first time was about my aunt liking another girl, when we arrived, a boy was at her girlfriend house and the police was called and I was arrested, also my family was so bad with the law. The judge sent me to reform school, and he also reprimanded my grandmother. Was I scared? No, I always escaped from wherever they sent me. Women tough, in jail and prison, they will punk (punch ?) you out, so violence started when I was arrested. One girl had crabs so we all had to shave. Other girls were sexually assaulted with brooms from several girls. When you are locked up, inmates learn the system and you won't be protected from anyone or anything. So, you find yourself fighting, some people know they're wrong, but they will disrespect you. It doesn't matter if it's juvenile, prison, boot camp, etc., there's gonna always be some drama. I needed help then, but didn't know it. I was lost and turned out, but locking me up made me see the negative in life. When you are locked up, wherever you're from, that's who you show favour to. And for some it's protection, some people need that you can be jumped by several people, you can be assaulted with a lock in the sock. So my mind was altered and I was never the same. So much happens in a prison society. When I was finally released, I bought a pistol, and during a rape and robbery, I shot someone, that person died because of the sexual assault, I was given 20 years probation. I felt really bad about that regardless of what he did I never wanted it to happen like that. When you come from situations as mine, a pistol is nothing to get. I saw so many cousins, aunts, and uncles so we always did everything together and our grandmother would have to approve or you couldn't be one of us. I loved from depths of me, I fell in love with this hustler, but he couldn't be all mine because he had a lady and kids, so then, I met him, boy, was I crazy about him!, he was a honest man, and my grandmother didn't approve he would listen to me, he knew about my case and didn't judge me, My grandmother called rental places and discouraged people from renting us a house. Eventually it was accomplished no one was happy for me, I had it all and someone to love me. I was confused because it seemed everyone was living off my illegal lifestyle. I loved him and he opposed the flat truth about my family. I was ashamed to tell him my secrets, what I'm sharing now, because, visually he couldn't see that broken child inside of me, what he saw was a soulmate. His eyes candy, he couldn't see the damage my own family caused. It's hard loving someone 100% when you have so many secrets. I gave what I could, I'll never regret him because he gave his all. After several years of my fairy tale, my uncle told me he cheated on me, that they both picked up a girl and had sex with her. My emotions were heavy because I knew that was my family way of destroying my happiness with him. I couldn't be with him anymore, my pretty house seemed different now. That same uncle was happy to move my things back into the family, and back with my grandmother. My heart was broken. See, when the chips are down, shopping and fashion were my habit addiction and drugs had been my new found joy. Cocaine was my new friend. Fashion always kept me looking perfect in public eyes and cocaine dealt with the part I couldn't cope with. A lot of men admired me but felt they couldn't afford me. My family was about money. My aunt was dating a known drug dealer, they had very expensive antiquities, but he was very abusive. One time he hit her with a fan belt that come out of a car. Her face actually split open, she called my grandmother, she needed pampers etc. she was in no shape to come out the house. So, I purchased everything and took it to her. This guy was selling kilos and he had a whole neighbourhood selling his cocaine. He was mean and would have cocaine parties and you wouldn't have to be very open minded to participate event though, he did what he wanted, she couldn't. He was so bold he would bring women home, and she better not say anything. He was a great provider and that's all, so we both were having problems, but she was secretly smoking crack, she had a super big glass pipe. Four people could get high, that's how big it was and how much cocaine we used. I had snorted but never smoked cocaine which they call crack. We sat there four hours just getting high. That feeling was different and became our little secret. Little did I know, I would become addicted and use cocaine for years. My whole life changed and another family member had just put more poison in my life. (to be continued)