June Blog

Greetings, all.

After hearing the comment on pouring water from my bucket, I really had to give some thought to what am I getting out of this writing. Why am I doing it? What should I share? What should I keep to myself? Should I share the deep dark secrets of my past? Childhood to present? What will my family and friends think if I put my truths out there? Is there any topic off limits? Will the truth set you free or will it cause embarrassment and piss everyone off?

My truths are my truths, they are mine to do with what I want. This is my therapy. I have to do what is right for Terra.

I spent my whole life covering up for my stepfather's trespasses, my mother's inadequacies (but in reality they were her survival mechanisms). I often wonder why I, out of all my siblings, did I end up in prison. Why did the atrocities of my childhood affect me so deeply that I continue to punish myself? Why will the scars not heal? How do you heal? Do you start to heal when the crime is admitted?

I grew up in a household full of terror like many other households. It was full of violence, lies, and child abuse. The effects are far-reaching. While being in prison, I lost my mother, my eldest brother to a drug overdose, and my grandfather. I have lost so much time with my father and brother.

There are—as crazy as it sounds—some good things that have come out of being in prison. I have spent the last seven years of incarceration doing everything I can to become a better person than what I came in. College has been a huge part of that. I'm in the process of attaining my AA degree. I am an advocate for transgender prisoner rights. I work on the men's advisory council (IRONIC). I have vastly improved my family relationships, and Terra is no longer hidden. She is out and proud, and has been accepted. I sometimes sit and start laughing at what my family must think of me sometimes. :) In a good way.

I have been able to deal with many of my issues while being incarcerated, and that is thanks to my father and brother Mark whom I love dearly. They have been encouraging and unconditionally loving. That in itself is a reason to believe in myself. Now that they have accepted Terra, there are no more secrets. I know that at this point and time, I am still a little emotionally and financially needy. My brother and father are supportive in both respects. I wonder if they realize what it means to me? They have saved my life through their unwavering support and understanding. I love them dearly.

In order for people to feel loved, they have to be comfortable with themselves and be able to accept that love in the spirit that it is given. I have learned from my father that people can be mad at you and still love you. Simple, but it has taken me many years to learn that. Sometimes "I am sorry" IS enough.

I know that the only way to move on in my life is to let go of the past as it means nothing now. Easier said than done. ;) Once you figure out how to do it, you're free, no matter where you are.

♥Terra