Transcription
Another Father's Day come & gone, my thirteenth since
my arrest & imprisonment. I left two beautiful daughters &
an unborn son out there. The truth is that I had left
them long before I committed murder & came to prison.
My daughters could barely say "dada" when I chose
booze over family. I was drowning in my many addictions
by the time my boy came along. I have never met him.
For the first few years of my sentence, I was blessed
to visit with my daughters a few times each year. They
always seemed to enjoy our brief time together, never giving
any indication that anything was seriously wrong with our
relationship. Perhaps I was blind to it then. Or perhaps
I am terrified by the thought of it now. But I feel
a significant separation.
I received no Father's Day card this year. My guilt &
shame for my past neglect - my abandonment - won't let
me write the number of years passed since my last Father's
Day card. God knows I did not deserve the few I did receive.
But my heart aches with the realization that my babies know
it too. That they might feel let down, neglected, abandoned,
without the daddy they deserved.
I have long claimed to dislike receiving holiday cards in prison,
reminders of what I am missing with my family. But this
month I am rethinking that sentiment. I would give my
very life to know that I have not hurt my children this way.
The truth though, is that I cannot have it so easy. I must
suffer the taste of my own medicine.
Dan June 17, 2013
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Replies (1)
I have read through your posts several times and I wanted to write how impressed I am by the hard work that you are doing.
You face your past with real bravery. Most people are unable to do this. You take responsibility not just for what happened, but for all of the consequences (both seen and unseen).
I very much hope that you bring as much compassion to yourself (to your own story, and to your own mistakes) and you would now (I think) bring to someone else who has walked a similar path.
We all deserve forgiveness.
The road that you have traveled is in many ways more dangerous, more fraught with sadness, and more lonely than my own.
But we all live with regret and pain. The thing we both share is a desire to find a way to live with our sorrows and triumphs. To bear the guilt with grace, face it, and then put it (gently) to the side.
The sum of our lives is who we become, I believe, not who we were in our worst moment.
Take every care,
jan