Robert-(Do you prefer Rob?)
Your writings are never boring, believe me! I've been doing some random transcriptions for you, (oddly, ones that were posted a month after this one that I'm responding to) and curiosity led me to look further into your situation. It seems that you are very open, and if I ask any questions that make you uncomfortable, please just ignore those ones. Your life is enough of a struggle, so I'm certainly not aiming to make you uncomfortable in any way!
So, with that being said, I'm looking to fill in the holes. I've read many of your blogs now (I don't always have time to transcribe them) and I'm left to wonder about a few things. I'm so intrigued by your daughter's story. You imply that she was abandoned by her mom and that she grew up in childcare, but you don't specifically say that. Is that the case for her? I'm so curious about her fate because I, too, grew up in foster care. Fortunately, I was adopted later in life, but my childhood was incredibly messed up. My birthfather was in prison, too. He went to jail for sexually abusing my mom and us kids (I was 1 1/2) and he was dealing drugs. He got out of prison when I was in my early 20's (I'm 32 now). I had no interest in meeting him at the time. I hated him. I hated my mom, too. My two older brothers and I (all under 5) were found alone in her apartment after being left there for two days while my mom was out prostituting. I was in my crib, coated in my feces. My brothers were able to find food in the house, and luckily they knew to feed me through the bars. We were put into foster care and ended up in homes that further abused us in ways that would blow your mind. The crazy thing is, I forgave them. After growing up with such a messed up life, and seeing how it negatively affected the outcome of my brothers, I realized how much our environment affects the decisions we make. Some of us are stronger than others, but who are we to judge someone based on their strength? It is no fault of my brothers to have been born without the strength to develop good morals and ethics after being exposed to what we were exposed to. Of course, society still needs to be protected from those who seek to harm others, or who are unpredictable, but I just wish everyone understood that there are underlying reasons for people's poor decisions, and there is really no place for hate in this world.
I was 26 when I first came to this realization. I felt strongly that my parents were living the lifestyle they chose based on what they had been exposed to. I was fortunate to have been born strong. Very strong. And I no longer take that for granted. With my new-found forgiveness in my heart, I filled out an application with the State of New Hampshire to find and contact each of my parents. (Continued...apparently I can only submit 3,000 characters, lol)

. Well, it turned out that my mom had died two years prior when she was overdosed on her meds at the state hospital, and my dad had gone through a windshield in a car accident and died. My mind was in shock. I had prepped myself for the closure I would receive and looked forward to meeting my parents, regardless of their response to me. I felt I'd prepared myself for any scenario...but I had not prepared myself for this. I was too late, and would never know them.
So I think it's incredible that your daughter gets to know you...any contact is better than none. It's so healing! I'm so happy that Krista doesn't have preconceived ideas of who you are, because it gives her the opportunity to get to know you before knowing your transgressions. I'd love to know more about her life, but if it's emotionally difficult for you to convey, then I'll just settle for what you include in your blogs.
I can tell that you are a little concerned about how her experiences will affect her adult life. It sounds to me like she is one of the strong ones! You gave her great advice when you explained to her that she hasn't even lived her life yet. She shouldn't worry about past mistakes or baggage. I have made many mistakes before realizing my strengths, but I regret none of them. I'm being truthful. I like me. :) And I wouldn't be who I am today if anything in my past hadn't taken place. For example, my first few relationships were abusive. But I KNEW I could change. I didn't accept anything at face value. I purposefully sought out the help I needed to overcome my self-esteem issues, and today, I wouldn't change a thing about my life!
Ten years ago I was a single mom, recently out of an abusive marriage, working at McDonald's for minimum wage. Today, I have a degree in business management, I own my own skin care company, I make $60,000/year with projected earnings of $150,000/year in five years, I'm engaged to a patent attorney who has an incredibly kind heart and would take a bullet for me, and I have two adorable sons who are 11 and 4. My fiancé and I also plan to have two more kids. I tell you all of this because I want you to understand that there is soooo much goodness waiting for your daughter. And the thing that sets her situation far apart from mine is that she is LOVED BY HER DAD. She will know of your sins, if she doesn't already, but she will know that it is of the past, and that all that matters is the life we have left to live. You are welcome to show her this letter I wrote to you so that she can realize that life truly is what we make of it. In our story we can be the "victim" or the "victor". I chose to be the victor, and I know that with your love, she'll make that decision that much faster, and she can start her life of fulfillment RIGHT NOW!!
(Continued again, since my response contains over 7,000 character!)

So on a different topic, I'm curious about the phone protocol. You've implied that you can't just make calls whenever you want, but I'm wondering what the actual rules are. You said it's rare for you to have money to make a call. How do you make the money when you do have it? Were you not able to call your daughter for 7 years because you didn't know where she was, because her guardian wouldn't let you, or because you had $0 for 7 years? If your mom and brother were kind enough to come see you, are they not able to give you money for phone calls? Are people allowed to call you? When you do have money, are you allowed to call your daughter when you want to? And if not, do you sign up to make a call, do you get a timeslot each week or month, or do you have to just randomly request to make a call? Is just anyone allowed to visit, or just family? Do you have to pay for visits? Are they prearranged, or does family just show up when they feel like it?
Sorry for all of the questions. I just want to know your limitations so that I can try to empathize with your situation. I can't even begin to imagine what it feels like to have no freedom at all. There is no justifying the act of taking someone else's life, but I can still understand how someone can be in a bad place in their mind and heart and act out aggressively. It's very sad when the end result is loss of life, but that one mistake doesn't make your life worthless. Your life and existence still has value, and I hope that you can find that value each and every day.
I look forward to hearing back from you. Over the past two months I've volunteered my time transcribing prisoners' blogs on "Between the Bars", but this is the first time I've communicated directly with a prisoner. You intrigue me. Stay strong!
#thisgirlcares

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