SHIRLEYWORLD UPDATES
"Let The Bullets Fly!"
Chapter LVIII
by Timothy J. Muise

-IF YOU LIVE AT "GARDNERWORLD" OH WOE IS YOU! PECKERHEAD OFF LIKE BVD'S
The Free Spech blog has become so popular that i have dozens of
cons feeding me info, conversations overheard, etc., each and every
week. I even have a few guards who like to drop tid-bits at my door
as they may hate Lt. Peckerwood or Sgt. Bitch themselves. One of the
most joyful pieces of news I received as of late was that Lt. Shameless
Peckerhead, our quinessential example of all that is wrong with the
system, is "not wanted" here by the administration. Now let me tell you
something this is no small feat. If you can become the "King Fuck-Up"
at ShirleyWorld, the land of the super-fantastic fuck ups, then you are
really doing something. This reminds of the story of Shameless going
"cow tipping" after a few bottles of Yago Sangria and accidently tipping
the bull; he has never been the same since as he did not have the energy
to run away as he had not eaten school lunch for two weeks. His classmates
kept taking his lunch money so they could buy Slim Whitman albums. The
bull, smelling "bitch" on Peckerhead, decided not to gore him but held
him down and has his "way" with young Shameles. When the bull was done
Shameless looked like someone dumped a gallon of white paint over his
head! Such are the perils in the life of a country bumpkin. Well it now
appears this proud representative of walking the toughest beat in the
state has been given his quasi marching orders and may have to go to
MCI GardnerWorld where there are a larger number of weak and disabled
prisoners for him to abuse. I am certain this mental defective will rise
to the rank of Captain Peckerhead there and will create new an innovative
ways to fuck up everything you put your hands on. This life of inner
disappointments must get old, not even the yearly P-Town weenie roast
can raise his spirits, but afterall the life of a crime fighter is not
supposed to be easy, is it? The good news for Peckerhead is that if he
chooses GardnerWorld he will have his old friend CO Valentine's Day
to share eskimo kisses with. This would afford them both the prime
opportunity to step out of the closet once and for all. This would also
protect him from termination as he could always claim sexual preference
discrimination when they try to can him for supreme incompetence. Woe
as you at Garnder. The Ultimate Dummy of Corrections, the King of Passive
(maybe). Our "loss" is our "gain", and your "gain" is your "loss"; trust
me when I tell you so. No cor (or bull) will be sage. No old con in a
wheelchair will be able to go to meds without harrassment. No weak and
mentally challenged prisoner will be free from the passive agressive
pat downs conducted by the "lieutenant". God save Gardner. God save the
cows!

-NEW FISCAL YEAR = NEW WARDROBE FOR DEPUTY DENIED-OH / CATWALK MOANS
With the dawning of the new fiscal year the department of corruption
has allocated funding from the Inmate Benefit Account to purchase a new
wardrobe for our well-cushioned deputy K. Denied-oh. The new loose fitting
slacks are PETA approved and boast the label "No Camels were injured in
the making of this garment". Her new Hillary Clinton-esque pant suit

ShirleyWorld updates
Timothy J. Muise
Chapter LVIII Page 2.

bottoms have a tag which reads, "Mooseknuckle Free Polyester Blend".
The department got away with using the Inmate Benefit Account due to
the fact that the old "Made by Sherwin Wiliiams" wardrobe was proven
to have traumatized many convicts. Men were left in a trance at the
Lifer's Group and Second Degree Lifer's Meeting. One cone, who will
remain nameless to protect the guilty, was quoted as saying, "She
packs twenty poounds of lovin into a ten pound sack!", and immediately
waived his parole hearing so he could stay here at ShirleyWorld and
polish boots. The department also stated that they feared for Deputy
Denied-Oh's life as she had to jump out of the second story window each
day to get into her pants and even with her trained, dead-eye aim, she
may miss the mark one day and end up crumpled on the pavement. "We can't
lose a valuable crime fighter like her.", Deputy Commissioner Tommy
Dicks-Out was quoted. "She has been strutting her stuff since Tyra Banks
was in Pampers." Superintendent Rubber Stampp Wry-On was so impressed
with the wardrobe upgrade (even though it does not even approach the
Paris/Milan depth of our fine feathered leaders walk-in closet) that she
has arranged to have a Catwalk Fashion Show at the next Ivory Tower
Concert Series, with stripper poles erected at each end of a Catwalk
atop the Alabaster Deck. Not only will Deputy Denied-Oh strut her
"America's Next Top Model" stuff along the catwalk, but the Good Cop
to her Bad Cop, Director Lurking, will model the latest in Scarecrow
Wear and Anorexia Active Wear, to the loud hoots and howls of the cons
in the audience. This may well become the Opium Of the Masses, replacing
religion and the ShirleyWorld favorite suboxone. Instead of stuffing
dollar bills into their garter belts or waistlines men can cram gambling
books of stamps and classification paperwork into their granny panties
and girdles. Of course the super will have to book the Queen tribute band
to play "Fat Bottom Girls" as well as book The Guess Who to sing "American
Woman" the quintessential stripper anthem. Director Lurking prefers Def
Leppard's "Rub Some Sugar On Me" and Motley Crue's "Cherry pie" as she
could use a few calories in her life. This show may well put the World
Famous Golden Banana out of business! They say that it is clothing that
makes the man, but I think it is clothing that makes the turnkey! Rock
on!

-"WEATHER APPROPRIATE" CLOTHING ISSUES AT SHIRLEYWORLD
In a rare instance when the Department of Correction actually follows
the law (in their own sick interpretation) they have begun to issue
"Weather Appropriate" clothing to both cons and guards (as well as to
Deputies!). The preparation for the brutal New England winter has begun.
All prisoners over 80 years of age, and there are dozens, will be issued
"Dollar Store Bo-Bo's" made of versatile thin canvas and low grade
peruvian rubber (as opposed to the High Grade Puruvian Cocaine the crew
working up in the SMU/Hole are doing). The Department was very sad to
report that no winter hats will be made available; not even if you have
to venture out three times a day to eat and three times a day to get
your geriatric medication. Deputy McCan't was quoted as saying, "Life is
always about choices. The octogenarians here will have to choose if they

ShirleyWorld Updates
Timothy J. Muise
Chapter LVIII
Page 3.

want to eat or if they want to stay warm. Choices; it is always about
choices." For rainy weather the department was kind enough to purchase
some pink jelly shoes for Deputy Denied-Oh with a matching "Hello Kitty"
umbrella. Like the Post Office neither rain, nor snow, nor dark of
night can stop the deputy from making her clothesline patrol. When she
enters the unit the guards announce, "Female Staff on the block!", and
men dash to their cage windows to catch a glimpse of Her Royal Princess'
latest fasion. The lion's share (or should we say the "lioness' share?)
of the Weather Appropriate clothing budget was saved to fly our Fine
Feathered leader, Rubber Stamp Wry-on, to both Paris, France and Milan,
Italy to pick up the latest coture trending fashions; weather appropriate
of course. Her body guard detail of Sgt. Bitch and Lt. Peckerhead were
heard chanting, "I see Milan, I see France, I see your flowery under pants"
while she was changing at the Gucci boutique in Milan. They all feasted on
Goose Liver Pate' and a fruity/smokey light bordeaux. (Sgt. Bitch opted
for MD 20/20) Winter is coming and the old men here at the prison better
store up nuts like a squirrel because it looks like they will not be
given hats or boots and may not be able to make it to the chowhall, or
be at risk of death. We all must remember, like Deputy McCan't says,
"Life is about choices." I guess the staff chooses to ignore the abuse
they visit upon these elderly prisoners.

-MASSIVE INCREASE IN D-REPORTS / OSTRITCH HEADS DEEP IN THE SAND
After these fools failed their assinine public safety audit (the
guards were far too busy playing computer solataire and watching
adolescent You Tube videos to give a fuck about an audit) they are
engaging in a malicious and premeditated campaign of abuse of the men
here as "punishment" for their layabout behavior. Here are some of the
felony behaviors men have been "disciplined" for; not making their bed,
taking too long to stand for count, covering half of their window while
they defecate with a woman working the cellblock, etc. No knives, no
escape plans, no drug smuggling plots, no murder plans, just plain
bullshit tickets. Men here are working on a program here where we will
issue "D-Reports" concerning staff to the State House. We have the
serious crimes of Felonious sleeping in the school buidling, habitual
smuggling os suboxone into the facility, lewd and lacivious sex with
prisoners, larceny under $250.00 (toilet paper/Sgt. Bitch), larceny over
$250.00 ( ammo/Birds-eye Bear Warrior), indecent exposure (Camel Toe Capri
Pants), and most tragically MURDER up in the HSU/Sniff; repeat offenders/
habitual offenders. I will write the "reports" and I will dent then to the
lawmakers and news agencies: FOREVER! FREE SPEECH!! The next Ivory Tower
Concert Series will feature Willie Dixon's ghost singing "Killing Floor"
and for the metal heads Skid Row will perform "18 and Life to go" for
those children destined to die in this God foresaken gulag.

More to Come...