A VISIT WITH MY MOM

April 24, 2016
7:30 AM
Listening to "Anthem of The Angels" By Breaking Benjamin

I sit here with anticipation, waiting to see my mom for the first time in many years. Last time I saw my mom was before her hip replacement surgery. Since then, she has had cancer two times. Beat the first one, but the second one (AML) seems unbeatable. But it's been over three years since I have seen my mom, so I'm pretty excited. I'm very close to her, and the last few years of not seeing her was killing me inside.

I am disappointed that my brother, who is bringing her, doesn't listen to me. I told him, "If you bring her before 11 AM, then our visit will end in one hour." He said he'll be here after 11. Now, I called my mom to see if she was indeed coming, and she said yes but my brother wants to leave at 9 AM. They live 30 minutes away from this prison.

So, my visit won't be long. But I can't wait to see my mama. I still have to get cleaned up and shave. Can't have her see me looking old and tired.

I keep my head shaved. I prefer it like that. Go check out my photo on this site. What do you think? Shaved? Plus, I don't have to pay for a haircut every month now. Some might say $6 for a haircut is nothing, but in here, when you make 19 cents an hour, that's over 30 hours of working. Just for one haircut. No thanks. I'll stick with my disposable razor.

Anyway, my sister told me to prepare myself. My mom is not the same woman I remember. The cancer has destroyed her body, so she looks a lot different than the woman I remember. No one bothers to send me pictures anymore. I spoke to my Aunt Cindy about this last night. I'm told everyone takes photos on their phones and never prints them out. I said that there is an app called Shutterfly. For a few pennies, they will print out the photos you download and send them to me. Simple, easy.

If anyone reading this likes Breaking Benjamin, I've grown to love a song of theirs that just came on, "Dear Agony."

It will be a shock to see my mom with her oxygen mask, breathing tubes, in a wheelchair—but all I have wanted for so very long is to just see her.

I was hoping my brother would have brought his daughter. I adore Little Lucy. She is four and such fun. She went to my mom's two weeks ago. She said, "Lay down, Grandmom. Pull the covers up." Then Lucy pulls out her little toy doctor bag and said, "I'm your doctor. I'll make you all better." I can just close my eyes and see this adorable little girl doing that. I had my grandmom until I was 29, so it sucks that Lucy won't have the same.

Does anyone know if We Are The Fallen is still a group? From what I was told, when Evanescence and Amy Lee broke up, she went to form a new Evanescence band, and the former band got a new singer. I have no idea who, but I love her voice. They became We Are The Fallen. They had one album called Tear The World Down, and I have most of it. Nothing new and this one is a few years old. Anyone know anything?

On a different note, I am contacting a Dr. Laurence Steinberg at Temple University. He is one of the top people in his field who does the studies and science on the brain. I have asked for him to help me out. The world revolves around money, but I told him I don't have any. If he would just listen to me and decide if he will help me or not. I have a pending appeal in the Bucks County Courts right now. I've also started contacting people who can put me in touch with other doctors like Dr. Steinberg. There is a Catholic college, King's College, nearby so I want to speak to people there. The science has to be true.

I was 21 at the time of my crime. I wouldn't have done what I did at 39. I have a conscience now. Remorse, guilt, the need for redemption, forgiveness. I am a different human being. I have grown, evolved.

I was told to expect a response in about two weeks. Dr. Steinberg hasn't gotten back to me yet so I wrote him again. My great aunt emailed him for me, but he told her to have my attorney contact her. But without his help, I won't get a court appointed attorney. Unless a lawyer is willing to work for the love of the job, I can't pay him.

Well, let me go and start getting ready. It's after 8, and I expect them in 60-90 minutes. Gotta shave slowly. Can't cut my head. I'll finish this after I see my mom. Ciao.

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Where to begin.

I saw my mom yesterday. We had a two hour visit. It was so great seeing her. My sister told me not to expect the same woman I once knew. My mom has lost so much weight. Her arms are purple from the chemo treatments and getting blood transfusions. She was quick to tire. Seeing her with an oxygen mask and tubes in her nose—it hurt.

But I wouldn't have traded that visit for anything. Well, except for my freedom. Then I could see her and help her every day. But my mom matters to me more than anything.

All the people who have written to me and told me about their mom, their loss, their pain, I thank you for that. I don't know when that day will come, but Mom promised me she won't give up. I do wish she would quit smoking, but she says it's too hard. My dad retired, so she feels safer at home now that she isn't alone.

Dad used to work the night shift. Worked SPS Technologies for like 40 years. He won't get his full retirement benefits, I guess, since he retired before 65. But he wanted and needed to be home with Mom.

I stuffed her full of mini donuts and cups of tea. It was only in the 60s, so we couldn't go outside when they opened up the outside visiting area. Mom can't spend too long out there unless it's warmer. Maybe next month. We're shooting for a Memorial Day weekend visit. My mom's sisters will bring her up, and I hope my niece too. I want to watch Little Lucy run outside. There will be plenty of kids there, so she'll have fun making friends and playing.

Well, I just wanted to share that with you. I had a wonderful time seeing my mom. Wish I could see her every day, but I'll take whatever I can get.

I hope everybody out there reading this gives their mom a call today. I have had at least a dozen people who read my blog write me to tell me of their loss. They are such strong people.

I haven't decided if I want to live after my mom's gone. A life in here, the people I love most buried—not sure if I want that life. Only time can tell.

But today, I'm okay. I finally got to see my mom and her physical condition was shocking. But I never let on. I held back my tears because I didn't want to see her cry. She's had enough pain. I love my mom, and I have no problem saying it.

Take care. Feel free to share your stories. This blog shouldn't just be about me. Take care. Show your mom what she means to you on Mother's Day. God bless. Ciao.