Date: 6/13/2020 2:18:26 PM Subject: From the Heart
Yesterday as I awaited the opportunity 2 get work n workout sweat up off me, I had the thought as I heard the clo announce over the loud speaker several names - wonder if I got mail? Will the announcement come while I'm in the shower? Will the c/o b of an understanding heart that I didn't rush 2 come get it cause I was washing up?
Anyway at about 4:20 pm the 1st round of names was called. 4 some reason I thought 2 put on my shoes n socks so I could b ready when my name was called yet decided against it. Maybe it was pride n ego that made me think I had mail!!!
Apparently it wasn't! Heard my name mentioned in the second wave of "the following people got mail:....Murphy..." Leaving my cell I wondered who this could b? N 4 some odd reason or another pictured me telling a roommate, they let my guy go! Walking 2 the mail line 1 whispered "I hope they let him go home!"
When I finally made it around the people who stand in the hallway reading they letters n up 2
the window I was handed 1 letter! The mailed from prison stamp gave way that it was one of the many people I've met during my lifetime of incarceration. A quick glance down revealed it was in fact - Tre!
Returning 2 my room I thought 2 put his letter on hold till after chow-taco Friday-n 2 read the book of Ezekiel like I had planned 2. Promise it lay open at the head of my bed! But of course decided 2 see what Tre's words had 2 say. After all he was scheduled 2 see Parole this month n expected 2 finally b released, seeing they had already blessed him with a PRE RELEASE INVESTIGATION 2 months ahead of time!
The letter was light, 1 page front n back Antoine, The Lord is near, Do not b anxious about anything, But in every situation, by prayer And petition with thanksgiving, Present your request to God And the peace of God, which transcends All understanding, will guard your hearts And your minds in Christ Jesus. Amen Philippians 4:5-7 (NIV)
"God has blessed me with release!!! When you receive this I'll b home..."
Wow I couldn't believe it! I mean u pray 4 something but when u actually get it it leaves u in a
state of awe n disbelief. Even happened in the Bible! The church prayed 4 Peters release from prison n when he actually got out n showed up at the house door the girl thought it was his angel! (Acts 12:1-17) Wanted 2 thank God but I couldn't! Wanted 2 scream n shout but I couldn't ! Wanted 2 stay back from chow n just revel cry or whatever,but I didn't cause I wanted 2 tell Jose the good news!
Its official Both my codefendants Rat Home!!!
Both got released from prison this year One on March 27 The other June 9th?
The letter continued 2 encourage me 2 fight 4 release by begging the Chairman of the Parole 4 it after all others did n it worked 4 them. Yet he said he understood my praying on it in the past n God nudging me 2 not do it (Exodus 14:13-14)! Mentioned how maybe god still has me in here 2 minister 2 others or because HE ain't finish preparing things 4 me out there. Lord knows some stuff could arise n I could quite possibly remove my eyes off of God!!!
There it is The harsh reality of life One most Christians don't wanna face Temptation! What a powerful person place or thing! Its one thing 2 ba monk! But its another 2 live holy in the midst of unholiness! So I have 2 look demons n angels in the face! Have 2 examine myself n b truthful bout what I know 2 b there! So what's there?
Though I have a fundamental love 4 God n His love 4 me n His saving me just on this side of eternity, had it not been 4 Him I wouldn't even b this close 2 going home, Lord knows I had every intention of literally throwing my life away! I mean who prays 2 go 2 hell just 2 get the earthly pain 2 stop!?! He's blessed me with a gorgeous daughter who has every right 2 h8 me but doesn't! He's blessed me with the ability 2 teach
His word,2 know Him 2 reach others, 2 really like who I am, 2 draw create succeed write talk listen... even showed me the great plans He has 4 me all tied 2 my telling the world about Him, but that all has a contingency! Obey Him. Only way 2 have Heaven on earth till I get 2 heaven As I like 2 say. But 4 all my talking, what will I walk?
My biggest vice is women Lord knows Been away from them 4 23yrs! On average I see less than 10 women a day! This is hell in itself! Not that I'm a skirt chaser or nothing just not being privy 2 that most fundamental aspect of life does something 2 just like not being hugged 4 years on end! Haven't gotten a real hug since met me daughter! November 2012! Think I've only had 1 visit since then 2016! N that was my older brother. Boys don't hug. So, Now Im faced with the reality How will I deal with women? Mind u 4 23yrs my interaction with them has been in a Staff-Inmate capacity! So I ain't been in no Relationship , had no physical contact,no dates, no getting 2 know one another, no hearing "I love u", no coming home 2 a woman who lights up n blushes, no being able 2 a woman how attractive she is,no spontaneous hug or kisses or...,no gifts, no going 2 in laws,no just laying up,no pillow talk, no family photos, no wedding vows,no figuring out what house 2 buy or who gone take care of the bills...., no taking her 2 drs appointment, no pregnancy tests, no cooking 4 one another, no just enjoying her company,no nothing! Just fantasy's of what a real healthy relationship looks like Then the reality that I got locked up at 18 n being intimate with a woman crosses ur mind seemingly everyday when u in prison 4 23yrs not knowing if ull ever go home! N experience a natural part of life. A natural part of life which I know kept in context is a beautiful thing. Meaning god blessed us with the act of intercourse not only 4 procreation but 4 pleasure rest
relaxation n even good health,mentally emotionally spiritually. Sex is a medicine in itself. It relieves constipation ( don't take that the wrong way), headaches,anger stress,worry, helps u burn calories, lifts ur spirits etc. Y u think its so addictive 4 some?!? That being the case I have a past. Question is will return 2 it upon release? Mind u the culture says its OK 2 sleep around have a good time n enjoy the free love experience after all its expected of u. So much so ALL the shows have it all the commercials, movies,song lyrics, books, magazine's, fashion,etc. 2 boys n men free love is
marketed as the definition of manhood as its ingrained in u that the more women u sleep with
the more of a man ur. So as a teenager ... Nuff said Anyway God has different schematics when it comes 2 the divinely ordained act of sex. Simply put sex was designed 2 join a man n woman back together in a blood covenant. Blood equal life. So breaking the hymen of a woman made a man married 2 her 4 life. God even said if u slept with a woman (humbled her) u were obligated 2 marry her. N that's the clash of my heart Will I do what God says or will I find a way 2 rationalize my behavior under the guise that Hollywood says its OK 2 b a Playa,even at 40!!!??? My biggest fear. Not that I envision me coming out of here n living this big playa lifestyle, that's not on my vision board! Marriage is But what bout the what its? What if my first love shows up? What if a woman finds me attractive? What if an old flame offers a night of solace? What if a woman throws herself at me? What if I throw myself at her? What if I'm not a strong as I would have me believe? What about when I encounter a scantly clad woman/women? Seeing it on TV is one thing.liven in person is another! What if I flee one temptation n fall 2 another? What if its a woman from my wildest dreams? What if what if what if what if????
Don't know personally any single guy who got out n didn't wind up sleeping around (at first). Some married now but it was a bumpy road 2 get there as their past / present promiscuous lifestyle got confronted by promiscuous members of the opposite sex. Sometimes, even the Christian ones with honorable intentions had slip ups 4 one reason or another sometimes with Christian women! Life's real.
So I been up since 3:40am (its 6:05am) writing this just 2 process everything n 2 pray n 2 just b like God look at me. Want 2 serve u but know I got this vulnerability 2 overcome. Question is do I want 2?
But on the flip side maybe I can't /won't b able 2 go through with it. Like the time I stole a cookie out the kitchen freezer. Made it all the way 2 the microwave b4 god said "what u doing?" | explained how I stole the cookie cause I felt slighted that I didn't get a piece of the special cake | made n I would show them! However god gave me that look n I found myself ducking n dodging supervisors so I could return the stolen peanut butter chocolate chip n Reese's pieces cookie
Maybe b4 I'm released I'll meet the love of my life n not even think bout another woman
Maybe I'll meet her shortly after my release
Maybe she a celebrity!
Maybe she not!
Either way all I can do is give my vulnerability 2 God
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