July 17, 2021

Time to release windin down

by Tony Justich (author's profile)


July 7, 2021 @ OSCI (T-20 days to release)

Hi everyone!

A lot has been happening in my life as my time to release winds down. I have my court cases held off until after I get out. I have a new criminal defense attorney to handle my post conviction stuff. He seems like a good guy and pretty knowledgeable. I have high hopes on that front.

Of course, as I write this, I'm dealing with some high levels of anxiety based on another front. I had my 2nd call with my parole officer this morning. Things are worse than I had originally feared. I'm having second, third, and fourth thoughts about getting released.

For those of you that have been reading this blog, you'll remember that I have anxiety and depression issues. That didn't help matters any. The bottom line is that I will have no access to the Internet/technology when I am released. My PO will not even permit me to have my institutional flash drive or tablet (even though the later is locked into the institution WiFi and cannot access the Internet away from the prison). All I can have is a flip phone for making calls.

What's even more disturbing is that I will not be able to go to Walmart without a chaperone. Having been locked up almost my entire adult life and most of my family deceased I don't have one of those readily available. She also said something about having someone do grocery shopping for me or having them order online for me and pick it up for me. I have no clue how I'm to become self sufficient if I can't do something as basic as go shopping.

It may not seem like a big deal to someone with a lot of family or friends for support but for me it's devastating. I don't know if I want to scream or cry. Maybe both. It gives me a headache just thinking about it. I'm shaking my head as I write this, knowing that in 20 days I won't be able to send in a new email for posting despite my being "free".

I have more access to computers and the Internet in here than I will have on the streets. I have a tablet that can download movies & music, play games, type up papers and send emails. I have access to legal research and court websites (State courts and federal). I can have a USB to store my legal documents. I can use JobNet to look at potential jobs. I can also do educational courses with computer materials and class aids. In twenty days, I won't even be able to do that.

Think about this...what would you do to try and live "free" without the Internet/technology in a rural/small town setting? Now imagine that you're starting out fresh with no job, little money, and no friends/support. Then add in the tough of having to report to someone on your progress weekly that has the power to throw you in jail at any time. This person can track your every move through a bracelet that you are forced to wear upon penalty of new criminal charges. You'll receive an average of 4-5 calls a week from a center where they monitor and track you in real time. What would you do?

In reality, I'm asking "What should I do?" What can I do? Fight? Sue them? Say "screw it" and do what I want regardless? Enjoy my "freedom", live it up while fully expecting to be back behind these walls before Christmas? Maybe even Thanksgiving? Hey, I can be back in time to participate in the holiday games here. Stack up some money here and there so I can live large for the remainder of my bit.

God, I hate how I sound but these are the thoughts running through my mind...I can't...I'm just not seeing a whole lot of upside. I appreciate the response to my post on June 8, 2021 by Julianneashford. She was very positive and I'd love to follow her advice. It's really hard for me to be that optimistic in general. I'm looking at her kind words and recalling the conversation with my PO. Or rather, my feelings as I talked to my PO. Like I'd just had the wind knocked out of me. I expected restrictions and jumping through hoops but I expected to start with something better than nothing. My mistake for thinking I supposed.

How can something that is supposed to feel good feel so bad? Voiceless, helpless and pretty much hopeless now. I even bought up the program Covenant Eyes. One of my good friends too the trouble to find out that this was the program that the DOC uses for people on supervision that need to be supervised online. My PO didn't like that program. So, therefore, she "hoped for a better answer". So did I. I figured if other people are allowed access with that as a safeguard then it should be good for me also. My mistake for figuring also.

I'm going to cut this off for now. I have more I'd like to say but I'll have to save it for another day. This is too much for me right now. I don't know what I'm going to do about this. I'm open to suggestions. Damn...I'd hoped for at least a little better this time around. Right now, I can't see anything beyond me coming back here and being better off than I would be out there. How fucked up is that?

Stay safe and sane all. I'm doing my best to follow my own advice.


Replies (1) Replies feed

Julianneashford Posted 2 years, 10 months ago. ✓ Mailed 2 years, 9 months ago   Favorite
Tony goodness oh my thoughts of you being in prison half your life and so dam close to being free. Oh I can't imagine how scary it really is. All I'm hearing is negative thoughts and sure it definitely comes from being in a negative investment for 22 plus years. And now so close to waking up and being able to open the door and walk out. No one yelling to have head count. Or phones off. Or showing with others. All that stays in the shit hole you never want to see again. The sun might shine that day. Heck it might pour down rain . That probably be awesome. You will have a chance to feel something just a few steps out that revolving door. The grass the dirt. Not thinking Christmas or Thanksgiving you be back . Think you be eating turkey dinner at a table or on the grass . Alone with no yelling. P.o that will work out just fine . Just like now oby the rules is all. I bet your that flip phone will work and there is help out there for you. Shelter will guide you. You can apply for social security witch is not hard . A phone call. Food stamps you can apply and you will get them. There's plenty of places to get you started on the right path. It's up to you to address it. Where are you? I can look into something's for you to help you for when you are released. Make you head in right direction. I mean if you wanted me to? You don't have any family or a friend in the world who kept in touch with you all the years you probably needed the most? Dumb question I should've asked. But you don't??? Probably not any phone number's for you to call and say hey I'm out come get me? Well hey you made it all them years alone in a very dark place. You can make it now in a very bright and beautiful place. Feel the heat from sun . And see the stars and moon. Spit if you want to. Rest room door locked. Sit in the shower. Truck stop they say is a great spot for a awesome shower. Just what I heard. I'm thinking about checking it out for the hell of it. Weird but hell life is about living. And sounds pretty cool. Well anyway if you let me know where you are I'll look into resources for you. Hey Tony I get that it's overwhelming but really get out of there with a smile and show yourself you are worth the freedom you are about to get. Hell you are a a man who fought 22 years for the day to be released stand proud and face everything as it comes. Don't fight yourself for less . You deserve what is coming. Freedom. There is help out here and you will get it. But being negative will only bring you down and I believe that you had enough of that. Over thinking so one thing at a time. One day at a time. Least get out first then you can chill and breathe and make decisions on the earth side of your journey. Hang in there Tony and remember that you are a fighter. You fought for the day to be released.

We will print and mail your reply by . Guidelines

Other posts by this author


Get notifications when new letters or replies are posted!

Posts by Tony Justich: RSS email me
Comments on “Time to release windin down”: RSS email me
Featured posts: RSS email me
All Between the Bars posts: RSS