4-29-11

DEPRESSION

If I let my self go who would catch me?
If I let my self go who would let me?
If I let my self go who would fetch me?
If I let my self go who would push me?
If I let my self go how many miligrams prescribed?
If I let my self go would it be dead or die?
If I let my self go you shouldn't cry
If I let my self go you never cared for I
If I let my self go there'd be no funerals
If I let my self go there'd be road blocks
If I let my self go to HEAVEN
If
I
Let
My
Self
Go

by: Antoine Murphy

6-3-11

Dear Adult Males:

How's it going? Please be blessed in the Lord. You're worth it. Smile.
Hey remember you were born a "man" because somebody(s) in need of YOUR LEADERSHIP QUALITIES-SOMEWHERE! Be encouraged. Don't live up to less than your potential; after all, your potential is greater than you are-Ask me how I know?

Well, I'm sitting here-trying to figure "it" all out. Aren't we all?

I was chilling with my "air conditioned" socks! Thoughts arose. "I'm 30 something in prison, with holey clothes on! This in no way reflects who I am; who I can be! Don't I design clothes?"

I wondered how this subtley affected my manhood and it's worth. (which nobody has agreed to measure)! In the midst of complained thoughts it hit me...

Got the $1.25 for another pair of socks-yet I can't afford them and maybe that in essence adds to my manliness rather than takes away from it??

See, gentle, beyond my being an "inmate" at my core I am a father. (yes, my daughter is the most beautiful girl in this world) Amen. Being a father comes with its own set of rules and regulations! Codes of conduct and what nots. Not to mention the unwritten rules...like not taking penetentiary chances while your chisd is still in the womb. (Sorry Prisha). Like not missing the birth of your 1st, even one and only child. (Sorry Prisha). Like not being a "dead beat" (Sorry Prisha).

Now a dollar and twenty five cents may be small in your economy, but in prison its the equivalent at 5 plus hours of work (21 cents/hour). So spending it is as precious as life itself. God help. Put to rest the "selfish boy" in me, please God don't let "him" kill the "king" that lives in the depths of my soul Amen.

So the message became...
As a MAN...
As a FATHER...
If I don't put my daughter 1st I'll fail this "Love walk" (1 Corinthians 13) thing before it ever gets started.

As a MAN...
As a FATHER...
I must learn.
Learn to budget.
Budget my appetite. (kids gotta eat)
Hello soup and crackers.

Budget my money.
Prisha needs and wants things.
Hello quincineta.

Budget my time.
Prisha deserves some letters and a card.
Hello daughter, How are things? Love you :)

Budget my career.
Prisha doesn't need a STAY AT WORK DAD. (Yes I just coined that!) :)
Hello wife and kids.

Budget my choices.
Not doing it got me in prison in the first place.
Hello anger management. Restorative Justice?

Budget my words.
Kids learn from them.
Hello Jesus; set a guard over my mouth. May I speak love and kindness and affirmation Amen.

In the end I must hold God (who can't lie) to His word as found in Duteronomy 28:13 (read it :)) Also 1 Corinthians 11:3 (read it :)) [Both books are in the Bible]. The end result is that I AM the HEAD of the house and that comes with its share of duties and responsibilities, which I have Divine strength to execute and fulfill with honor. Amen.

Be in remembrance that the HEAD is the sum (of his house). Ultimately when your wife and children are conducting their daily affairs they are indirectly and subconsciously reflecting you and what you stand for.
[Do some thinking...]

On the flip side how you conduct yourself in your affairs says something about those you head (i.e. those who follow you)

The saying goes...
AS THE HEAD...SO THE BODY

"God as we have the inherent power to head-help us. Help us to lead NOT in a 48 Laws of Power kind of way; not in a "I'm the man" testosteronic knd of way, or with violence. But in true power, help us to lead. As we put you first HEAD US GOD. Let us lead with kindness-compassion-sincerity-truth-LOVE-patience-forgiveness-dignity-integrity-respect-and a Godly manly maturity-not to mention-.....-.....-.....-.....-and..... Help us to make righteous choices as we direct the direction of our respective houses. In Jesus name we pray. Amen."