Lord, how they have increased who trouble me!
Many are they who rise up against me
Many are they who say of me
"There is no help for him in God"
But you, O Lord, are a shield for me
My glory and the One who lifts up my head
I cried unto the Lord with my voice
And He heard me from His holy hill
I lay down and slept
I awoke for the Lord sustained me
I will not be afraid of the thousands of people
Who have set themselves against me all around
This Psalm of David reflects the cry of my heart today. I feel like so many things are coming against me. I just do not know why these tests are coming. I just got to believe that I'm being strengthened by all of this. A part of me is tired of these tests.
I know tests do things to strengthen our character, but it seems I've had plenty of them lately. All these small things that I let people "make it" on is getting to me. A part of me is tired of letting them make it, but another part of me keeps me focused.
My flesh is what I'm battling against. As a woman who's away from home and with little contact with my family, I feel more vulnerable. I want friends and I know prison isn't the best place to find them. Some people think because I'm a believe that I'll accept their treatment, and I do for the most part. Not a lot of people's treatment gets me in an uproar. But when people come at me sideways because they stole something from me and I confront them on it, then my attitude gets shown.
Man, I just try to do what I think God would want me to do. Sometimes I fall short. Today, I began to see the me I used to be. I wanted to hit somebody. But they aren't worth my time or my parole date.
Lord, I thank you, for every trial I face you strengthen me to overcome. Help my light shine brightly before all men, that they may see you live in me. Forgive me when I fall short today. When people come against me, help me to remember I belong to you. Be my protector and my defender. In Jesus' name, amen.
Emotional/Feeling The Fool
I frigging hate these feelings I'm dealing with. I'm needing to cry. I'm longing to be held. More than that I'd really like to hit something. That type of thing (pain), I can understand. I don't understand the pain in my heart. My baby and I are going through something. I can only say I am responsible. I don't know if I'm losing my touch or if my love for him has softened my heart so much that I'm more trusting of others.
Either way, it's my fault.
For some reason, I feel he's mad at me for what someone wrote me. Though I told him about it, he came off as angry. Which, of course, angered me.
I flashed on him to my friend like I used to do to my exes. Believe me when I wanted to strike a nerve, push a button. I knew my mouth was good at it.
I did that tonight.
Thang God, it wasn't to him. I'd probably not have him any longer.
I guess, I feel like he accused me in a way of being out of line. Even though I know I wan't. You know, honestly, I used to love having guys in different places, stringing them along. That's— [paper bent so writing is illegible] Yet I felt the accusation in his letter, even though he didn't say it.
I'm hurting. Being where I'm at, I try to be strong. I feel like maybe someone used the guise of a ministry to come at me under the pretense of doing God's work. That is what absolutely pisses me off. Damn, gotta tighten my game. My game face ain't nothing pretty. I'll wreck shop behind Red, I will.
Yet it's eating at me. For what it's worth, I feel like a fool.
How do I deal?
(From a Prison Cell)
Loving you was never a choice. It just was. From the first time you came to my unit, I knew God purposed in my heart for me to love you. And, JC, I do.
Red, I know on prison relationships are ever easy. But they are possible. Because we trust in God, all things are possible. That means us. That means parole.
I don't disrespect you. I conduct myself as a lady. I try to always mind my business. More importantly, I try to be about my Father's business.
Like every relationship, we go through things. Like every couple, we will argue. But it's up to US where we go forward and build up, or we tear down and go backward. I'm pushing forward.
Red, I won't lie and say I got this figured out because I don't. Yet I don't have to have it figured out because God does. He knows that he knotted us together in our souls and hearts.
Yeah, I had expectations. You did or do too. I still have expectations. Some haven't been met, but I'm still here. I'm not going no where. Things aren't happening on my time, and I have to accept that. I also have to believe that the blessings are here already.
Yes, I'd like for you to help me or to send photos when you say. But because you don't, doesn't mean you love me any less. I know you love me. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that you are worth the hell I've gone through.
Red, I've trusted you in ways I've trusted no man. I fell in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm your wife. And I'm not going no where.
I don't care who reads this. It's why I'm posting it. But I want it understood—can't no one try to come my way without you knowing it. Nor will I stop believing God for me a miracle this December.
Red, I'm in love with you, baby!
God knows I got love for people in my life, but He anointed me to love you. That's money in the BANK!
I love you,
My Cousin's Loss
In February, our family experienced the loss of Clifford Raunsaval. To me, he was uncle. To my cousin Christy, he was daddy. To my father, he was brother. To many others, he was friend. To each of us, he is missed.
I ache for my cousin Christy because she is hurting, and I am at a loss on how to help her. I'm wanting to heal the brokeness of her heart, take away her sadness, and chase away her pain. I just don't know how. Therefore, I pray.
My cousin is beautiful inside and out. I've never met a more wonderful soul. I think truly she inherited her mother's gentleness and her daddy's goodness. She's needing comfort, so I pray to the comforter to bring her peace. Yet I yearn to hold my cousin.
I know what it's like to allow the grief to consume you. The black cloud of depression that covers you. I know what it's like to feel sorrow strip you of energy. I know she's going through similar emotions. I did upon losing my mother. The only one who brought me through was God.
Christy, your father in Heaven has your daddy up there on assignment. You daddy done many good things on Earth. Raising you, Wesley, and Kayla to be the women and man that you three are reflects his character. You are his legacy. Continue to bless others as he did.
I love you, cousin, oh so very much. Your loss of your daddy brought us back together. I gained so much strength from you, and I want to give you my support. You can lean on me. I am here— [paper bent so writing illegible]
You're keeper of the stars, creator of me
You're the blood in my veins, the air that I breathe
Words of my song, a whisper in the wind
You're my everything, my beginning and end
You are my God, lover of my soul
my place of refuge, my stronghold
You are my reliever, the one who sets me free
dancer of the clouds, the roar of the sea
I am yours, you've told me so
You are my God, I'll never let you go
Holder of my dreams, master of my will
Hearer of my prayers, my peace to be still
The bright star of morning, the setter of the sun
Keeper of my crown, my grace that I run
You're ruler of my heart, you're fire in my bones
You're the Lord of my life, the colors I've flown
You're my banner of love, lifter of my head
You're my book of life, the very Word mat I've read
Composer of my melody, my very heartbeat
You are my God, you make me complete
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