Without Warning
7/22/11

Life sometimes throws you a curve ball without warning!

I don't really share the curve balls life has thrown my way due to the fact I often miss the ball and strike out, so to say. However, lately, I've felt the need to reach out to others who feel this way.

When I was younger, I felt the defeat that came from those curve balls to the point that I began to self-destruct. Without warning, I found myself starting to harm myself with the intentions of dying.

Suicidal tendencies are not a subject I've heard many speak on. Actually, I've never heard it spoken outside my centers or the offices of the doctors who tried very hard to help me. In the end, the only one who was able to help me was the Good Lord above. However, this is the curve ball of life I felt led to talk to anyone who'll listen.

I've noticed the young ages of teenage suicides, and it's getting younger as the years pass. Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems, but oftentimes, the one who sees suicide as the answer: they feel it's their only option. I know, I've been there.

I speak from experience: There is always another option to every hopeless solution.

I'm the survivor of 29 suicide attempts. The only thing I haven't done was put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. I couldn't see my parents having to go through that, but I tried every other way possible. But God, in the 29 times, I've flat lined three times.

My purposes in life weren't fulfilled and God spared me. He has a plan for my life and the life of everyone else He created. We cheat God and those He has placed in our lives when we choose to take the very life He has given us.

Through all my heartache, pain, and sorrow, I have yet to come up with an explanation worthy of the torment I put myself through. I didn't want to feel the hurt and I didn't want to feel the pain or acknowledge the shame. So I tried to put me out of commission. Had I succeeded, I would've missed out on being a mother and wife. I'd missed maturing and being able to overcome the very thing that held me hostage for so long: suicidal tendencies.

After many years of therapy, a few hospital stays, and even medication, I am very proud to report I haven't inflicted harm with the intent to die since 2006. I know that it will always be there, but God gives me strength to say in my weakest moments: "Help me, I can't do this on my own."

To those who suffer with these tormenting tendencies—there is hope. I found my hope in God above. If you feel as if your only answer is the final way out, I encourage you to try Him. He is the only one that I've found who could take everything broken and defeated in me and make me NEW.

Suicide is a selfish act because so many people are left behind. Allow yourself the chance to be who you were created to be. It may be harder to persevere but, in the end, I believer it's worth it.

Trust and believe He works all things for His glory!

Have a blessed day.
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Marlin, TX
7/23/11

My Dearest Daughters:

Hello, Stephine, Heaven, and Justus! Over the years, I've written thousands of letters and journal entries to you girls, that you've never read. And I've decided to face my most intimate thoughts and emotions upon pages that I could place on my blog site, in hopes that one day you three will access them.

At this present time, I've done three and a half years flat on my five year prison sentence. As your mother, I feel you deserve nothing but honesty from me. Therefore, I will open myself to you and pray that, when the day comes for us to be reunited, that these—with the many other letters I've written—will land in your hands.

My daughters, you three are the best decisions I've ever made. I love you and, though I had to choose to give you a life you deserved that I could not provide at the time, it doesn't mean you weren't wanted. Believe me, you each were wanted. I wanted to give you a life with me. But to keep you three would've been selfish. I wasn't able to care for you three the way you needed because I turned to my addiction when life became too much to handle.

I don't make excuses. I speak from my heart when I say I wish I was stronger back then. Had I been, I might have been able to raise you girls. However, I wasn't. I gave into temptation. I allowed sin to rule me. It cost me you; it cost me way more than I was willing to pay. I am making decisions today to better myself in anticipation of your return into my life.

Sweet babies, I love you three so deeply. I think of you all the time. For the love God has blessed me, I am grateful. I pray for you girls to love God with your whole hearts. I pray for your protection and guidance. I ask God to draw you each near to Him. That you three would serve Him and surrender to Him to follow His will for your lives. I firmly believe that God will bring you three back into my life in the next few years. I believe that and by faith I speak it.

One of the things I firmly believe is that you three want to find me well: drug, alcohol, and crime free. I believe anything less would be an insult to you girls. I believe you deserve to find me with my act together. It's unacceptable to me if you find me actively in my past lifestyle.

My love for you girls is pushing me to do better for myself. I love you, babies! May you be blessed by the knowledge of my love for you. I miss you girls.

God bless you and keep you.
I love you!
I love you!
I love you!

Love forever,
Your mother,
Frances

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Here I Am
4/23/11

Here I am, Lord, in the midst of all my pain
Here I am, Lord, I am crying out again
Here I am, Lord, reaching out to you
I know there's only one who can see me through

Here I am, Lord, drowning in my sea
Here I am, Lord, come and rescue me
Here I am, Lord, offering my heart
Come and cleanse me
Give me a brand new start

Chorus:
Here I am
I hear you when you're calling
Here I am
I'll catch you when you're falling
Here I am
The Lord of everything
To me your sacrifice you bring
Here I am
I listen to your pleas
Here I am
I protect you from the unseen
Here I am
Your creator and your friend
Master and deliverer
Here I am
The great I am

Here I am, Lord, feeling broken and abused
Here I am, Lord, wondering what you'd do
Here I am, Lord, I am standing here in need
Change my heart, Father
Set me free

Here I am, Lord, am I beyond your reach?
Here I am, Lord, do you hear me when I speak?
Here I am, Lord, I'm lonely and confused
And in this moment...
I'm screaming out to you

Repeat chorus

Here I am
I hear you calling on my name
Here I am
I'll not leave you unchanged
Here I am
The beginning and the end
Here I am
The great I am

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This 1 is 4 My Homies
7/25/11

This 1 is 4 my homies still grinding in the game. I pray God's protection and peace over you all. I know the streets are no longer the same. They take more than they give, and they don't give a damn. Time don't get easer because the system is broken. More people died this month in my unit than in a year. I've been down since '08, and I'm still trying to make parole. While my homies out there straight balling out of control.

This 1 is 4 my homies who are down on lock. It's time to change the way you think and get it together. I know it's what I've got to do. If not, they'll hold us all a bed or worse, we could end up dead. We got time to make changes, but change is an action. It doesn't just happen.

This 1 is 4 my homies still out there blowing big. It's time to get it together. The stuff they serve is cut, chopped, and screwed. Look in the mirror and see what it's doing to you.

This 1 is 4 my homies, man, we been through it. Let's switch on the game and do something different. You smart and business minded. You can do anything if you put your mind to it. You taught me how to believe in myself again. Help is one prayer away. You done done this, you know it ain't what the business is. But I thought I'd shout out to say, I believe in you.

To all my homies, I've got your backs. Through the power of prayer, I believe change is coming.

Blessed by the best