June 26, 2013

Ignorance is Bliss!

Hey everybody. I bet you're wondering why I started off with a headline like that, right? Well it's mainly to say this. These past two to three years have been the hardest years of my life. Not hard because of my circumstances of being in prison. But hard because I'm trying to become a man inside of a prison environment. It's hard enough trying to figure out who you are as a person on the streets, but behind these walls there's no one to help guide you. No one who's willing to reach out to a youngster and 'skool' him as the old heads would say.

I wouldn't really say that I was ignorant, rather misinformed. (No ignorant is the right word). Growing up, I never had anyone sit me down and explain anything to me. I was always learning stuff on my own. My friend always says that life is a cruel teacher, it gives you the test first, then the lesson. And I am a firm believer in that saying.

Since 2011, I've been in this group called the long term offender group. This is one of the only groups that's not just about getting a certificate. In fact, we get no monetary rewards. No certificate, nothing except becoming more in tune with who you were, who we want to become and the most important for me was, it focused on our victims. And that was the most difficult part for me. I couldn't understand that the crimes I committed were so wrong. I thought rape was just sex. I mean, I knew it was wrong, but I thought that since I was abused for years, that it wasn't really a big deal. It sounds crazy just to know how gone from reality I was.

To commit such a heinous crime, you have to really have a cold heart. And that's what I hate most about me. I was a coward. I didn't care about anyone or anything but myself. Because of my abuse, it sort of desensitised me to the whole ordeal. I blame no one for the crimes I committed, but myself. And for years I was in denial. I didn't want to admit to anyone what had happened to me or what I had done.

But it wasn't until I joined this group that I began to unearth all of this ugliness inside of me. It wasn't easy and still isn't. It's really hard work. But it's hard work that I know is paying off. I'm a better human being because of it. I'm a better friend because of it.

But with all of that being said, you can imagine how difficult the journey was for me to change, basically everything about me. The way I thought, how I viewed things, and it meant to care. Not about what other people thought of me. (Because in prison, there's this hierarchy where sex offenders are at the bottom of the barrel). Because let's face it, what I did was really messed up. But I refuse to let those events define me. I f'd up. I can never give back what I have taken. The best thing for me to do while in here is continue to strive towards staying on the right path. If there was one thing I know my victims want, (other than revenge or immediate justice) it would be to make sure that what I did won't happen to another person. I can't assure them it won't happen again in the world, but I can guarantee it won't happen from my hands. I will never have another victim.

So picture this, now I'm challenging all of my old beliefs. I'm figuring out that most of my friends aren't really my friends. My family is moving on because I'm only five years into a eighteen year bid. People have learned to live without me. And the ones that are still in my life, I don't know if it's a trust thing, but they find it hard to accept the fact that I'm changing. I'm not asking for a pat on the back, but at least some support. I know I don't deserve it. And I definitely don't want to play the religion card, but no matter what God you believe in, doesn't he practice mercy and forgiveness.

I'm trying with everything within me to continue on this road, but it seems like now new adversaries are popping up everywhere. And all of this is happening while I'm trying to figure out who I am and what my purpose in this is. Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting against the world with no support. No second line of defence. But what keeps me grounded, is that now I know how my victims must have felt. To have gone through something so horrible and came forward and were accused of telling lies. Family and friends betraying them. Mixed with my lies of consent. I know nothing I will ever say will make things in their life back to normal.

Every time they walk down a dark road or see someone who looks similar to me or come home from work, they'll be reminded of my cowardly act. I can only hope that one day I can give to someone innocent some hope, maybe even just an ear to know that they're being heard. It's the least I can do.

I know the subject today will not be popular amongst everyone. Hell, maybe even the people who've been here from the start may take a step back. But at least I'll know that I was being true to myself and my victims because when it's all said and done, they're all that matters. I appreciate the feedback and support I've received so far. I really enjoy coming on this site and sharing my life with you all. It's another outlet to help prevent me from falling into the pits of complacence in here.

Well, I just wanted to touch bases with you since I've been putting a lot of my time lately into writing the last draft of my manuscript. And have the headaches to go along with it. Please if you see someone struggling, and striving to do something positive, give him or her a hand. Even if it's just to say "Hey I believe in what you're doing. Keep up the good work." Do it. You just may be the reinforcement they may have needed at a time when they were in a little funk.

I've taken up enough of your time. Until next time, keep cool in the sun and support each other.

You're on A DAY IN A LIFE! with Michael McThune.

Peace and Love!