10/11/11

Breaking My Heart

I haven't heard from James Miller since 9-14-11 and I'm officially putting out an APB! Where are you at? It's one thing to write me and go off on me then tell me to write back. It's a whole nother things to go MIA. What are you doing out there?

The obvious for me is that you are breaking my heart. Funny how I never thought my heart could break anymore, but it has. It breaks a little every day. And it seems to me that you, Mr. Miller, think it's a game.

My heart has been broken behind my actions that separated me from my kids. It broke every time I chose to get high to bury the hurt I hfelt for failing to be the mother I needed to be. My heart slowly healed over time.

Then again, maybe it hasn't.

My heart is so fragile it got into a relationship after my first trip to prison. I believed I was loved for the first time by a man. I was treated like a queen. Respected by anyone who saw me... then came the abuse. Outrageous abuse. It eventually cost me the son I was carrying. I lost my heart over Raytron Aliezay Childress. My mother was dying from heart cancer at the time. I couldn't go to her and tell her or have her comfort me. No, that came from my homeboy, Red's wife, who held me while I cried and helped me to gather my strength to live another day.

Brokenhearted—yeah, I know what that is.

Six months after Raytron died, I took my mom off life support. I was, for the first time in my life, fully aware of nothing at all. Numb, in shock, and desperate to flee the impending heartache to come.

Yes, I ran! Hell, it's what I've done all my life. It was not any different then. I tried to outrun the pain of my childhood with a bottle, my teen years with weed, and the rest of the time, I ran to whatever made me feel good—as long as I didn't have to feel the pain.

I'm done running.

I quit running a long time ago. I gave up on trying to find superficial highs to take away my broken heart, and I turned to Jesus. He loved me through so much. Then He brought me you, James. Not by accident, but by divine appointment.

I've loved you from day one.

Never did I believe you would try to rip my heart from my chest. More importantly, I'm not running from it. I'm not trying to hide from it. At this moment, I'm confronting it. Therefore, I am confronting you.

Do you purposely hurt me?

Yes, I believe you do. Why else would you write me what you wrote, demand for me to write back, but be absent from my life for three weeks? To hurt me! To make me analyze what I feel. To make me question my faith and God's promises. all of these things I've gone through. Then came the tears, the sleepless nights, worrying, and the inability to eat. None of that shit is right, but it's what love does to someone.

Love breaks your heart.

Mine is breaking.
❤+