SHIRLEYWORLD UPDATES
"Let The Bullets Fly?"
by Timothy J. Muise
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-THIS IS WHAT YOUR BRAIN LOOKS LIKE ON DRUGS: "PIGEON EGG OMELET"

The Kitchen Detective of the Merrimack Valley Region, Lt. Ban-The-Ham, has discovered a meaningful way to take advantage of the current increase in the "Pigeon" populations here at ShirleyWorld (I'm not talking about the "Stool Pigeon" population, although that has increased as well under Deputy Denied-Oh). Lt. Ban-The-Ham has build nests in the back of the chow hall where the flying rats can roost and lay their diminutive eggs. He then has some modern day slaves, fresh from the Shirley Plantation, put on their best white uniforms and crack those little yolk holders into a giant frying pan. These min sunny-side-up gems are then served to the hungry masses here at the gulag. I am certain Lt. Ban-The-Ham, walking the toughest beat in the state's kitchens, will receive some type of award for this truly ingenious solution to the avian plague/hungry convict problems that ShirleyWorld has become accustomed to. No longer will we need two scoops of rice when we have Ban-The-Ham's omelets!

-WAR CRIMES TRIBUNAL CONVENES / ID NAZI LOCATED

The Hague has reported it will be convening a "War Crimes Tribunal" as they have located one of the Third Reich's most evil villains. This knee-high-to-a-grasshopper troll used to patrol the Warsaw Ghettos ensuring that all Jews had their Star of David patches firmly affixed to their chests. His zeal for abuse was legendary throughout the Polish countryside, but sadly when the allies claimed victory in Europe he disappeared. Many thought he had retreated to the Beaches of Costa Rica as a wee little man was heard to be down their checking the health passes of sex trade tourists, but we have now learned that the leprechaun of lunacy has been hiding here in ShirleyWorld all along. Sgt. Young-Un is the Nazi War criminal Sigfried Stepstool. He is now applying his trade here as the ID Nazi. Men die in Deputy Denied-Oh's "sniff" and Sigfried spends his day making up his own policy of ensuring ID's are on chests. Recidivism is at 47% and Sgt. Stepstool sends men back from programs for a broken ID clip. His punishment could not be harsh enough, but I suggest a good old tar and feathering as he is so tiny that it would not take too much tar or feathers saving the state more money to spend on guard overtime. The war is back on Sgt. Young-Un!

-PASSIVE/AGGRESIVE BLOG DISCUSSION GROUP STARTS / PECKERWOOD FACILITATES

The Department of Correction has secured funding for a new employee training program to be held on the front steps of the ShirleyWorld chow hall. The Passive/Aggressive Prisoner Blog Discussion Group will be facilitated by Lt. Shameless Peckerwood. Participants such as CO Birds-Eye, Sgt. Downs Syndrome Debbie, CO Skullivan, and CO Scaredy Cat, will discuss how they have absolutely no life and spend time reading what prisoners write on their blogs. In between hating themselves on guard message boards they find time to read about the truth presented by a free speech warrior. None of these participants do anything about anything; they just run their gums. The leader of the Pack of Fools, his misshapened head glowing with the read of self-loathing, tells of what he "woulda, shoulda, coulda" done, but the truth is that he has bee a coward his entire life and will be a coward until he hits the grave; not great loss. The depth of this passive/aggressiveness would even baffle Freud and Jung and we would need to get a psychiatrist from Pluto to figure out the twisted thought process of a closeted mentally handicapped as they are fun to watch. Next meeting on the staircase is set for today. The topic is: Walking The Toughest Beat in the State wearing ballet shoes!

-LIBRARY CLERK TURNS HSU "BUBBLE CELL" INTO BLOODY SUNDAY

One of the Deputy Denied-Oh's skilled Law Library clerks was tortured to the point of snapping again. Place in Deputy Denied-Oh's infamous "Observation Bubble" he produced a razor blade that he has secreted away, but that the highly trained professionals could not find when they searched him, and cut himself in several places. He then wrote some "truths" in blood on the cell walls one of his phrases being, "They Killed John Early!" He smeared Deputy Denied-Oh's windows with his own blood. He was stripped buck naked and forced to "dance the Devil's dance" while women looked on. His dignity was torn to shreds and his hope further crushed by the abusive jailer who seeks to destroy and chances for redemption. So many metaphors and allegories in this situation; the smeared blood is squandered hope and potential. The crimson stained windows are the blindness of society. The screams of a tortured soul are the screams of humanity at this madness; not the madness of a struggling human being, but the madness of this system of retributive punishment. The guards push those with mental challenges until they get a "Joshua Messier" situation; that is where they killed a young life, extinguished it like a low flame, while he was in four point restraints. Keep a vigil for Bobby A. Understand his failings and call for the justice when these oxygen wasting assholes abuse the sick and the weak, before the world is covered in blood!

-DAWN BREAKS ON MARBLEHEAD / DEPUTY DENIED-OH FINDS THOMAS MERTON

We all know the hard work that prisoners here do goes unnoticed. We don't look for recognition and never would, but it is amazing just how blind these correctional dimwits are when it comes to the really important things in prison. Oh they will find a clothesline and seize a water bottle, but when prisoners reach out and bring in the most meaningful of programs no one says a word; until the day when credit is due for the media. The Catholic Free Press is coming to do a story about the International Thomas Merton Society (ITMS) Chapter WE, the prisoners, started here. When Deputy Denied-Oh found out that they were coming she called our Chaplain, The Artful Dodger, and inquired about our being the only prisoner chapter in the world! A big deal but it seems Deputy Denied-Oh is just finding out about this, even though the chapter has been active for months. Dawn breaks on Marblehead!, I guess. She really must hate the fact that I wrote to Jack Collins and invited him . I also wrote to Pax Christi and invited them in and now we have the only prisoner chapter of Pax Christi in the world! These are two earth shaking accomplishments by we have never been recognized by Deputy Denied-Oh's office. She only wants to get involved when the press are coming. Don't worry the men of our chapter are humble, we don't want credit, but we will make certain the reporter gets the truth; which she won't get from Deputy Denied-Oh. DAWN BREAKS ON MARBLEHEAD DEPUTY DENIED-OH: we bring the real healing, trust and believe!

-SHIRLEYWORLD "AUDIT" NOT ON MITTIMUS / BUFF THIS

The fools here that run this asylum are doing all within their power to sell the dream that we convicts are supposed to get worked up over some state accreditation audit. We ain't biting. There is no section on our sentencing mittimus which calls for us to adhere to some floor buffing fever or railing painting epidemic. I tell the "Buff This" Deputy Denied-Oh. "Paint My Scrotum" Deputy McCan't. "Wax My Armpit Hair" Captain Shebert (cause we know you wax yours). Prisoners do not give a shit about your audit. The rules for these prisons are for guards and suits, nor for us, and you're not going to brainwash us men who are not already afflicted with your Stockholm Syndrome. This place can fall down around me, just like your duty to rehabilitate has, and you ca all go clean up your acts. YOU need a personal overhaul. YOU need to shape up. YOU need to shine your greasy side. You can place all the lipstick you want on this pig, but it is still a pig and still a metaphor for the pigs that you are. Dump a 55 gallon drum of perfume on a rotting corpse like the DOC and it still stinks to high heavens in a matter of minutes. I say, "BUFF THIS!"

More To Come...