SHIRLEYWORLD UPDATES
"LET THE BULLETS FLY!"
CHAPTER XX

by Timothy J. Muise
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-SGT. "BIG CHEW" CHARLESTOWN SELECTED AS "ESCORT OF THE YEAR"

The Powers that be here at ShirleyWorld have arranged for a banquet to be held in the Culinary Arts Area (know as the "Pig Troth") in honor of Correctional Officer Monthly awarding our own Sgt. Big Chew Charlestown their 2014 "Escort Of The Year". Apparently Correctional Officer Monthly learned of Sgt Chew's many dalliances with some of the larger, but lovelier porcine sows that march their beat here with split hooves. Big Chew oftentimes "takes one for the team" when he beds one of thee jackbooted trollops. "Lt. Peckerwood likes men (not that there is anything wrong with that) and Sgt. Bitch has not been able to get it u for years so it is up to the facility 'pipe layer' to 'charm the badge off em' here in the wilds of Central Massachusetts", said superintendent Rubber Stamp Wry-On. Deputy Denied-Oh has been walking a little funny lately so many wonder if the Chew had taken her for a roll in the correctional hay (there was a few strands of straw spotted in her mane) and if did in fact lay down with the devil he rally does deserve an award. Just hope he don't get the twenty year itch or the creepy crawlers as he would need a 55 gallon drum of penicillin to cure the "Denied-Oh's"!

-DEPUTY DENIED-OH AND DEPUTY McCANT WONDER "WHO'S COMING TO DINNER?"

In another round of correctional foolishness the two stellar DOC deputy wardens here, Denied-Oh and McCan't, called the Free Speech Warrior over to Deputy McCan't's office to inquire, "Who's coming to dinner?" You see poor Deputy Denied-Oh was quite frazzled at the fact that the Warrior had purportedly "invited" a U.S. Senator, a State Senator, and a few State Representatives into the prison to help the men here celebrate Veteran's Day. Now they are not too concerned that the facility is overrun with suboxone (you can buy it everyday here if you wish), that there are knives hidden all over the prison (men are so angry that they are ready to kill), that each block has their own "Brewery" (with guards even sampling the "batch"), and that gambling is sanctioned all over the prison. Hell no, they are worried about me "inviting" government officials in for a Veteran's event. Now why is the She-Devil herself so mad? It is because she knows that each and every time a government official comes in the curtain gets pulled back on the Wizard a little more. This Land Of Oz "Job Kingdom" depends on the health of the Goose Laying The Golden Eggs and if state officials see who Denied-Oh really is the jig will be up. Her 31 year reign of public safety erosion will be over and she can kick back in Hades and collect her fat pension which will match her fat dumper. Viva La Revolucione! Viva free speech! Long live the Warrior! Who's coming to dinner? Your ass!

- LT. PECKERWOOD AMONG THE MISSING - NO ONE SEARCHING FOR HIM

After taking a bit of a beating when he entered a con's cell last week, Lt. Shameless Peckerwood has been hiding his mishapened head somewhere in the sticks of the Greater Shirley Region. "We are not worried about Shameless as this is not the first time he got his ass delivered to hem. He is good at
licking wounds.", said Sgt. Messy-Her. He went on to say, "That time I bitch slapped him at the 119 gate he disappeared for a while after he dry-snitched me to anyone who would listen." Lt. Peckerwood's boyfriend said that there would be no search party. "I have made some big mistakes in my life but none quite as big as when I took little Shameless home from the Manhole Lounge.", said Dick Shredder, Lt. Peckerwood's domestic partner. "He is always complaining about how the 'Rodney Dangerfield' him at work." He gets absolutely NO respect; and deserves none. One fear was that he may have hurt himself riding his bike down the Provincetown "Joy Path", but then we were reminded that no helmet will fit his squash and that he probably had to hitchhike down there. "If he fell off the Bourne Bridge and his carcass washed over to Portugal corrections would be a stronger field." said, DOS Handy-Sin. "This fool just creates problems." His obituary would read: "Gone. Good!"

- CO "ME SO HAWNY" ACTING AS "SHIFT COMMANDER" HO CHI MIHN REJOICES

Our little Dragon Lady, CO "Me So Hawny" ahs been working "out front" here at ShirleyWorld checking in visitors to the prison. She feels there are not enough Vietnamese in supervisory positions and has taken it upon herself to act as Shift Commander. She is banning visitors like her mother banned broke GI's from her Hanoi cat house. this Asian Ass-Puppet may look tiny, but don't let the small package fool you as it packs quite a bite; like a Mekong Delta Tiger. If you dare to wear pants that show you have an ass that is not flat like hers she will ban you. If you wear a shirt that shows that you have Mommy Glands bigger than her little Milk Duds your out. If your face is anything but flat, kiss your visit goodbye. The facility psychic and medium CO Houdini has reported that Ho Chi Mihn is raising a fist in salute to the actions of the Far East Fool. "Why do any body visit dees men any how?" asked CO Me So Hawny. "I no get visitors to me house on sushi night.", she went on to say. As usual Rubber Stamp Wry-On places her Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval on the Rice Paddy Princess' abuse of visitors. Tight pants and low cut shirts must pose more of a security threat than the hundreds of strips of suboxone guards are smuggling in. The Dupont Chemical Corporation has been paying CO Me So Hawny reparations due to the Napalm they dropped on her grandfather's Water Buffalo, but still she is angry.

- LAWYERS ARE NO LONGER "OFFICERS OF THE COURT" SAYS DENIED-OH

If Deval Patrick is looking to appoint another fool to the bench of the Supreme Judicial Court here in Massachusetts maybe he should think about selecting our own little Broad of Bitterness, the Princess of Pie Eating, Deputy Denied-Oh. She has no legal background, her only training is Writing False Reports 101 and Denying Civil Rights 202, but that does not stop her from making legal rulings here. She has recently layed down a "writ" declaring that Lawyers are no longer Officers Of The Court and that we, "The Captives" of her "Kingdom" can no longer make copies of our letters to them. She even denied a letter to a Superior Court Judge (I'm sure that Judge will be pleased when I let her know), and he doo-doo just keeps getting deeper. She has "ISSUED" a "DECREE" that she determines what is "legal" and what is NOT! The Princess eats her crumpets and checks the "Denied" box on your copy request like she checks the "other" box next to Sex on a tax return. If our beloved Governor can find time to pull himself away from a self-serving sound bite and actual lay the judgeship sword upon the Princess' shoulder she can get right down to the business of sentencing jay-walkers to life bids and a future of eating green jello at ShirleyWorld. Our female Clarence Darrow can deny freedom than. Our Femme fatale' Oliver Wendell Holmes can strip all human rights. Our Heavy In The Stern Perry Mason can banish the lepers to Monkey Island. Her jurisprudence would be as magnanimous as her HSU and "Sniff" compassion. "No copy shall fly the razor wire wile I wear the Tiara!" she bellows. The good news is that the new Free Speech Warrior "Civil Action" will be filed later this week and in not the too distant future we will be deposing the Princess of Pain. No need for her to bring a cushion to the interrogation; she already has one!

More To Come...