SHIRLEYWORLD UPDATES
"Let The Bullets Fly!"
Chapter XXV
By Timothy J. Muise
MERRY CHRISTMAS AT "SHIRLEY WORLD"/ NOW LOCK IN YOUR CAGE!
Her Great Magnanimous Herself, Her Royal High priestess of Gulag grandiosity, Ms. Kelly "Rubber stamp" Wry-on has bestowed great gifts upon her subjects here at the Kingdom of waste, or "ShirleyWorld" as we so affectionately call it, in an effort to wish us a very merry Christmas. We were first told to "lock our cages" twenty-five minutes early in the morning under the premise of "distributing Christmas gifts" but then watched as split-hooved guards traipsed back and from the "pig troth" (our name for the culinary art cafeteria here) with oodles of top sirloin steaks, pork tenderloin, sliced sweet ham and an assortment of veggies that would have made the Green Giant blush. They then kept us in those "cages" for an addition hour and forty five minutes to give us a bottle of generic shampoo, a bar of hotel soap and some stick deodorant. As we passed through their assembly line of cheer they played Christmas music and had trays of doughnuts and pastries; not for us but for the split-hooves who sat up there watching volunteers pass out the gifts. One tune we heard was, "All I want for Christmas is my GED." and another, "Little Suboxeone boy" After returning to our units to laugh out loud about the poor quality of gifts Rubber Stamp bestowed upon us we were then called back into our "cages" forty five minutes early so that the next shift of split hooved scrooges could have their fill up at the pig troth. Rumor has it that LT. Urine hung some mistletoe in front of the "sows" rest room and stood underneath with a prime cut of Top Sirloin hanging from her gun belt. Many shyed away from her "kissing booth" as they feared she may sing the tune, "Dashing to the sexual assault claim", like she has in the past. School Principal ho-hum was nowhere to be seen as the active restraining order kept him at bay. Deputy Denied-Oh played Santa Claus asking the "companions" who sat on her lap, "what transfer would you like for Christmas?" Merry Christmas my little cherubs; NOW LOCK IN YOUR CAGE!
- RECOGNIZE MY "AWE-THOR-EH-TEE" SAYS LT. PECKERWOOD/ REQUEST DENIED
In another example of infinite correctional wisdom the ShirleyWorld "powers that be", lead by our fearless leader rubber stamp wry-on, have placed the biggest fool in the history of Massachusetts corrections, Lt. Shameless Peckerwood, in charge of the ship a few nights a week here. Our correctional titanic is surely headed squarely toward the rocks, but no one gets a bigger laugh out of this than the other guards and split-hooves who have to work under the misshapen head of dimwitted leadership. A true example was the other night when a dozen or so guards had lined up at the back of the chow hall, abandoning their posts to talk about the Patriot's game and some other idle banter. Lt. Peckerwood came in and said, "Come on guys we are on camera. Can a couple of you go down to the other end of the chowhall and cover those posts." Shameless then walked out and was no privy to the comments about him that the split hooves made. One of the more rotund razor backs said "F*#! him. He gets us jammed up with his mouth and then we have to bail him out." Another guard, famous for killing Yogi bear and then getting arrested for it, expounded, " Just stay here, what's he gonna do?" They all chuckled. A few minutes later Lt. Peckerwood gimped back into the chowhall and said, "come on guys. Whoever has the lowest seniority you two go man those posts at the other end of the chowhall." The fearless bear killer again chimed in, "If something happens we are all right here. We don't need to go back there." Typical "we do what we want" DOC logic, but Peckerwood was getting redder and redder throughout his misshaped head. No respect and none deserved. The fool on the hill wants to wear the bars but he is not worthy and his own men know and make him aware of it each and everyday. So what do you do? Well that is easy- take it out on defenseless cons. Mess with cons who are just doin their time. Start trouble and then have your "men" bail you out. Pray that when one of these cons gets out that he don't wait for you in the hedges out front of the Manhole lounge or at CO Be-My-Valentine's ex-wifes birthday party. No Bitch-buttons on the street. Not all cons are doing life; I'm just saying. The chickens may just come home to roost! Respect his "Awe-Thor-Eh-Tee": FUCK NO! REQUEST DENIED!!
-LT. URINE SUED BY DON HENLEY AND THE EAGLES/ "OUT RIDIN FENCES"
The rock band "The Eagles" and their leader Don Henley have filed a civil action against Lt. Kim Urine for using lyrics from one of their famous songs as her own personal "theme song" as she patrols the fences here on ShirleyWorld's "perimeter". Due to her inability to work with any human beings Lt. Urine has been assigned to "fence patrol", making her the highest paid "chain link inspector" in corrections history, but never fear Lt. Urine is taking it pretty well. She has recorded a version of the Eagles song "desperado" and blares it from the state vehicle PA system as she is "out ridin' fences" here at ShirleyWorld. Assless chaps and rawhide bra she circles the prison with her theme song at a spinal tap "11" volume. Don Henley happened to be over at Fort Devens Medical Center protesting for the marathon bomber and heard his intellectual property echoing through the woods. Upon investigation he found out that it was the "cowgirl of Shirley" version of desperado and Kim, taught ass in the wind, was dancing the Texas two-step past the towers and trap while looking for any hole in the fence one of the dementia patients in the HSU may have cut with their sharp awareness. Mr. Henley knows that the She-Devil of the rodeo makes about $75,000.00 per year riding those fences and probably makes another five figures on her back, so the litigation would be lucrative. He will be deposing her "ex", Mugs-up "Mugsy" at the Irish times bar in Wormtown about her propensity to "make up stories" and "ride bareback" with heard of Broncos. The MSCPA and PETA have joined forces as well and will file an "amicus" brief concerning LT. Urine's use of rawhide and sheepskin as part of her modified DOC garb. "She may lasso another school principal, but she is not going to hurt any more of the Angus Cows up at the minimum." said, Attorney Mary warner of the MSPCA. Hopeful juries prudence will prevail in this matter at the bar.
- LT. McHARDLY SCORES ANOTHER VICTORY/ RECORD IMPROVES TO 12-2
In another stunning win against a handcuffed con our "squarely in the radar" second shift lieutenant pinned Scotty "nine months clean" b to the mat after bashing his head into several walls as they brought him to his cell in the hole. Scotty was remorseful afterward stating, " I should have went after his bum knee, tried to make him tap out, but it was difficult with my hands handcuffed behind my back." The WCWA (World Correctional Wrestling Association) is disputing the win as officials are reporting that it was a "tag-team / handicap" match as Lt. McHardly had Bear Killer Birds eye with him while beating poor old Scotty B. WCWA Chairman Hank Errchief said, " I think this has to go down as a tag-team win. This team may come to be know as the 'stan and ollie' of the squared circle." Lt. McHardly could no be reached for comment as he was sound asleep in the school building, but bear killer birds eye was seen refusing a direct order from Lt. Shameless Peckerwood and mumbling, " If those bears think they had it tough wait until these WCWA tag-teams get a load of my scarecrow looking ass." Deputy Denied-oh is rumored to be trying to "make weight" to wrestle as the fabulous "Moolah" as she certainly makes the paper, but many felt she should team up with Deputy " Can't find tight enough tights" McCan't and call themselves the outlaws. Andre the Giant just turned over in his grave!
-"LET THEM EAT STEAK! (and pork loin, and sweet ham)
The decree echoed from the ShirleyWorld ivory Tower: "Let them eat top sirloin, prime pork loin, freshly carved sweet ham!, as Kelly Rubber Stamp Wry-on put forth her declaration for the ShirleyWorld Christmas Party. Lock up my loyal(and not so loyal) subjects in their cages and let the slopping of the hogs begin!", and with that they all bellied up to the troth. The slurping could be heard all the way down to Walpole!
Scientists at the national institutes of health are trying to determine that if "pigs" eat "pork" is it cannibalism? the NIH is studying some of the porcine split-hooves who bellies up to Rubber Stamp's Banquet to gorge themselves on porker flesh, and have to come to the conclusion that these emotionally challenged razor backs would eat sow uterus if it meant they did not have to work for a few hours. Mr. Rubber Stamp is planning a "pig roast" for the newyears party and we have heard she will have Sgt. Bitch skewered and placed on the spit as he comes with his own, freshly stolen, condiments!
More to come....