January 2, 2015

Hello World,

It's me again, "Zakee," and as this "New Year" of 2015 begins, my topic for discussion is how can we release and prevent "resentments" in our relationships? As i have learned to recognize my "triggers" and the underlying causes that resentments played in my past negative, irresponsible behavior, it gave me the knowledge of how to let others know what "my needs are" and through this unconditional acceptance that when someone makes me feel inferior or humiliated, being "resentful" only hurts me. I share this with you, my readers, so you will know why I did what I did with the "resentments" in my life and the steps I have taken to try and prevent the same circumstances from reoccurring again, in 2015! :)

First, let's look at the definition of the word "resentment." In the Webster's "New College Dictionary" (2009 ed.), resentment is "A feeling of displeasure and indignation, from a sense of being injured or offended." That is a powerful emotion and the "feelings" we experience in that state of mind are strong for most people, including myself. For me (as I can only speak for myself), I often experience resentment towards other individuals _only_ when I find it difficult "to forgive them" and I hold onto my unspoken pain. As early as I can remember, even as a child, whenever I felt I've been treated impartially, biased, or wronged, I would always have a very powerful internal reaction towards that person. I would allow it to fester within.

As I grew older, in my teenage years, I recall how resentment was intensely and deeply felt within me, because this "feeling" challenged me to reassess the self-image I held about myself. It was during this time, I found myself experimenting with alcohol (which was readily available, as my household had a "bar") and marijuana as a means to cope with my unexpressed painful emotions. By the time I reached the age of 17, the year in which my dear father died of esophageal cancer (he smoked cigars), I had already unwittingly, yet wholeheartedly, refined the internalization process of my painful emotions. I failed to develop the skills needed to deal with painful emotions I experienced as a result of other people's behaviors and actions or that the potential of the feelings could and often did manifest into or convert into resentment because they were not released in a healthy, effective, or timely manner.

In years that followed, in my twenties, resentment had found a comfortable home within me, it was neighbored by my indisposition and inability to express myself. I grew up with a belief system that it was objectionable to express hurt, disappointments, frustration, or anger toward the individuals who elicited these very emotions within me. So whenever anyone hurt me, intentionally or in another manner, I would simply _deny_ my emotions by stuffing them deep inside me where I'd "deal with this later" was located. However, more often than not, "later" never came. What _did_ come was "resentments" toward the people who'd hurt me... that and anger!

In turn, my unexpressed, internalized "anger" became a ticking explosive device which lead me to abusive relationships with others and a self-destructive behavior of drugs and alcohol usage. When left unsettled, my resentments have the power to be all consuming, and is very effective at fueling my anger.

As it has taken me a long time to come to terms with my resentments and become the person I wanted to be — "Zakee Abdul Hakim"; I now understand that resentments "live inside of all of us," and it feeds on our _negative_ feelings and emotions. It becomes stronger the more and the longer we ignore it. It can, and will, mutate and develop into a warped, distorted covering which will prevent us from viewing the world from a healthy, optimistic, and balanced perspective.

Over these past six years here at San Quentin State Prison, I began to reflect and to try and understand how my behavior, reactions, and choices were affecting my overall well-being and _happiness in life_. I craved for more for "myself" than a life limited by my own self-imposed boundaries. Believe me, dear readers, it took a lot of honest and thoughtful introspection to begin to understand, realize, and _accept_ what was preventing me from living a life free, really free, from resentment.

Looking back in retrospect, I truly believe that if I had expressed myself more authentically, in my relationships with my parents, my ex-wife, with my children and others who touched my life, I would not have clung so desperately to my resentments and displaced anger. I also believe I would have welcomed "forgiveness" and been able to establish, create, and enjoy closer and more meaningful relationships with others.

Therefore, "today," right now, when I experience a strong emotion such as fear, hurt, disappointment, anger, fury, or panic, I have the skills, strength, and the courage to express and communicate my "pains" to the people who hurt me. In doing so, I expose my "vulnerability" and I stop trying to "control my feelings," and I start to embrace the wonderful ways in which my heart communicates with me. It is in these moments that "life" begins to teach me my most important and significant lessons.

In closing, dear readers, _remember_ that you are doing this _for you_! It may also assist your relationships; however, your main focus and motivation should be for communicating and expressing your feelings. The commitment to living a truthful life, free from "resentments" starts with you...

Please feel free to leave "comments" to this blog or any other of my topics, or you may contact me directly at my mailing address.

May all the peace and blessings of _Allah (God)_ be upon you. Until next time, may you walk in the sunshine of life...

Peace,

Zakee