10-11-11

The Sadness of My Pain

A lot of people can speak on what they read, but how many write or speak what they know? I do... I speak and write what is known to me. Especially when it's something as pure and hard as my pain. This is the sadness of my pain.

You spend 17 months trying to get to know someone. You actually believe you know this person, only you find out that person has been lying to you. Not for just a little bit, for about the whole of the relationships you've been lied to. It does something to you. It breaks your heart. Not only does it break you heart, it causes a sadness that is like something sort of like grief.

Man, this dude was writing my sister in Christ funny at one time too. Actually at the same time, he was writing me. It's me questioning him that led its the letter sent me to medium custody. He denied it and when I told him I wanted to talk to the girl (my sister in Christ), he spit game. I wanted to believe him, even though my spirit said don't.

Well, today... I finally went to her and asked. One thing I know is, she's telling the truth. She got the letters to prove it. I guess I don't want to read them because it wouldn't do nothing but put me on a rampage towards him. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." I do want to hear, "I didn't write, he's like that..." because he did. I don't want to hear anymore lies. If I do, I think I'll be physically sick!

I just don't give someone my all and now that I have, I can't take it all back. But where do I go from here?

You see, the sadness of my pain is the places I dreamed for him and me. Now I got the same dreams—just a little different. I guess when the light shines on the matters of my heart, it houses a varied array of emotions, a tainted part of my heart that was done by this betrayal. And of course, it shows the sadness of my pain.

My pain—that's quite my own. One i cannot even express in words. One that hurts at my soul as I feel, the unraveling of such a good thing. One that hurts so bad that there is not ever tears left.

This silence is deadly. It's slaying everything I felt. Everything I wanted with him did not call for this. Now that it's here—I'm broken.

Though I be broken, I'm not defeated!

The sadness of my pain is in every day I look back and I see what might've been. The sadness of my pain is all that's to be. The sadness of my pain is back at this: how could you destroy what could've been between you and me?

Tell me.