Growing Behind Bars

Learning to live by biting my tongue and sheer will power isn't easy when I've been so outspoken growing up. My entry consists of several situations compiling that lead to me inevitably writing this. There are good bosses and there are completely evil. I cannot see why an individual would be so filled with hate and live a miserable life with no happiness and the joy she gets is from the torment and destruction of others.

My first encounter was being snapped at like an alligator would snap at its prey. My response wasn't what she expected only angering her yo where she verbally abused me, cursing me calling me a sorry (M-F piece of S---). Boy was I mad and wanted to curse her out giving her exactly what she wants; a reason to write me up legally. I just told her I wasn't fixing to argue with her, ending it.

Encounter #2 I believe was an OJT trainee might have left a window of belief that I'd called her little Evil Witch is the name of this evil that I speak of. Well this offended her greatly and I believe this OJT looked up to her and toyed with the idea not knowing how much of an offense it was to her. After she'd gotten off she came through conducting herself unprofessionally, cussing me once again, trying to provoke me and order me into a hallway where chemical agents were being distributed. I'd refused her orders causing more anger. Yet again she couldn't get what she wanted only to have her hatred of me fueled :-)

It's really no smiling matter. This is like a time bomb in a room giving off negative energy everywhere she goes. What hurt me the most was her act of getting a fellow officer removed from her position, an officer I will not name because of my respect and nothing more and I decided to refrain from using the evil witches. Lying back like a snake waiting to strike, struck at this persons most vulnerable time unhealthy and battling to stay alive, her job paying for the expenses of her condition and God on her side.

I feel terrible because I feel like I was used as a tool from her anger to ruin anothers life and there is nothing I can do, helpless once again, and as bad as I want to curse this woman I can't. The Blessed officer found it in her heart to try and help me stay out of trouble for having an item without papers. She was our property officer. Technically had the power to do this but with her superiors approval which she may have not done,finding it of little importance. She'd just gotten back I hear from going through hell. The evil witch-we all know who I speak of-went snooping and soon my name was her favored enemy. I can see her now with her wicked ugly smile, wringing her hands at her find and running off to show her little find, sending someone to take the item I had (a multi outlet) all because it was "me", her chance to make the lives of others miserable and giving her a chance to stick the knife in the back of her coworker, a person she was supposed to be helping.

It's seeing good people hurt by those with ill intent and hearing them say simply pray for them which I have not found it in my heart to sincerely do. I believe in God and praying but I don't do it unless I sincerely mean it.

It's my belief a lot of prisoners come to prison and find God as a means to pray their way out of prison and the predicament they are in, thus using God! I don't want to be a person to just use God in my life. I feel this is a sin in itself. I've always believed, accepted him as my savior, but I do not live a righteous life. Anyways I've wandered off the subject.

This is to acknowledge I've grown in another area of my life. Before I would have handled myself differently, conducting myself in my old ways, not caring about the consequences, but today I care and the funny thing about this whole situation...I'm such a forgiving person the hate that I felt has seeped away and all I have is dislike of this person. Not anger, hatred, or even wishing anything upon them. I rely on karma if this makes any sense.

To those of you who follow me every now and then :-) I have wonderful news. After 20 years I've finally found one of my brothers. I just received my first letter from him last week. It was just to establish contact but this was a very big step in my reuniting with him. Now if I can only hear from my sister I will feel more complete. I was truly surprised by his letter and wonderfully happy :-) I couldn't help but to share this news with you.