10/21/11
Bullshit, Drama, and Heartache

Just got off work, came in took a shower, and turned on Waco 100. I guess country music soothes my soul in this time of heartache. My last day at work, and I could barely get through until six o'clock.

I was so mad because someone came to me and said, "Is it true?" Is what true, I asked. "Are you with someone?" You mean a woman? Hell no, I'm with James Calvin Miller! So my Aunt Pam pulled me off the line. Tried to calm me down, but I was livid. I looked my Aunt Pam in the eyes and said, "Aunt Pam, is this why I got sat down from the choir? Because someone lied on me? Is that why?" She said, "Baby, it doesn't matter. We know its' not true." That wasn't the point. It's still not the point... Now, I really got to know the answers to this question: why was I sat down?

I'm getting ready to try to lay down for a few hours. I may just sleep all day. I know only more drama awaits me once I got to the dayroom. Nakia is coming to bring me letters. I'm not sure I want to read them, but something inside me just can't resist.

If you are committed to someone, why flirt with the next person? He always tells me not to give the devil an inch, but he gave the devil a mile and look at everything I'm going through because of it. You know, it's like this: I'm single in a way that's surreal. Because my baby wasn't honest with me. It's like I don't get a choice in the matter. Because I'm the one needing the honesty.

It comes down to a few things:
1. Is James going to be honest?
2. What do these letters say that I'm fixing to be reading?
3. Will my heart survive anymore deceit or betrayal?
4. Why does James always turn it back on me?
5. Am I strong enough?

It all comes down to the answers to these questions. But words written on the man who professes to love me and said to say he told my sister the same. Mother fucker!

After reading a letter written by James to my homegirl (dated 10-11-11), I'm undone. Flabbergasted and without words. I wonder why a man so into God would play such games with the heart. I see that I'm not the only one he tried to play. Yet you fix yourself to call me your wife and profess for the next girl. Not just any girl, the girl who used to be with your sister whom I feel like is a sister to me.

I've been real from the beginning. Words she wrote to him, I wrote way before. He showed his true color is yellow: represents a coward. My Nash played a game that played himself. A good woman who loves God wholeheartedly, who would do anything for you, and would give you the world—you asked for it; it was right in your hands. But you threw it all away.

My thing is you can have it. I don't want it. I don't want you and personally, that's all there is left to say!

Enclosed is letters to my friend from James. Y'all get a good laugh at my expense.