Hanging in there...

I'm soooo tired; people in prison, myself included, spend so much time worrying about making it safely till tomorrow, that it gets overwhelming at times. Time really has no meaning here. Birthdays, holidays, ect. mean nothing. There are no celebrations; your accomplishments mean nothing to anyone but yourself. There are a few exceptions to this, but not many. A couple of friends and family that stay in contact.

Keeping an upbeat, positive attitude is so hard. I'm normally happy-go-lucky most of the time, but I think the constant stressors of being in prison are finally catching up to me! I no longer have time or the little "dramas" that play out here daily. Guards that flagrently and frequently break rules but bother me about a pink towel :) (true story). The gossip that gets out of control and can get you into fights, and you know nothing about it until you're being sprayed with pepper spray for fighting!

The constant threats of transfer, waiting on mail, hoping your collect call is accepted this time. Trying to pay for college books on 0.13 an hour, wondering when the next visit will come. When you lay your head down at the end of the day, you have to replay everything you said or did throughout the day to make sure you didn't offend anyone you may have to watch out for at yard the next day! Stand in line for Chow, laundry, shower, canteen, phone—you're always standing in line and you're never first. :)

Guess what: when the day ends, you get to wake up and do it all over again. Same shit; different day!

You know what makes it bearable? When the guard stops at your cell during mail call and you know you haven't been forgotten. When your Call ID is accepted. When you go to sleep at night secure in the fact that you have great friends and family, and you just know your cellie is not going to kill you in the middle of the night!

Love through struggle,
Terra