I am going to send a letter tomorrow but the service that I used to send you funds indicates that you cannot get mail. I hope you get my gift of funds and my letter. If not and only this blog gets to you, know that I am trying. It appears that you have 2 Appleton connections.
Hey David, Sorry I haven't written lately I've been so busy. And Al got a great job offer so we're moving to central Illinois next week, believe it or not! I'm actually turning down the biggest job promotion of my life (I was going to take over running an entire program with eight staff). After our move I'll be a stay at home mom for a couple years. It might be a while before I can really sit down and write, so for now this post will have to do. I do have about five half-started letters piled up over the past year, LOL. Take care! Katrina
I'm so sorry you lost your friend. I wish there were something I could say or do to make you feel better. Well maybe I can tell you a few things to improve your mood. For starters Connor has become a rather good football player. Although he's a freshman he's been asked to play JV. I've been told he is skinnier than the other boys but when he runs at them he plows them over like dominos. Mickie is trying to be her schools sports team manager. And Ellie is thrilled at the fact that she is the second smartest kid. They seem to like their school here, its a small school here in Wyoming but its really nice they provide their students with laptops and such. I hope you didnt think I was being one of those vindictive people. I never intended to be and as I see it you've had enough time to "sit in your room and think of what you done". I often wonder if we could be friends again if you were out. I'm anxious to find out and heck to even see how you and the new hub would mesh. We went to the lake today and he thought it was funny to skip rocks at me and ellie, luckily he hasent the best of aim. Well dear I'm gonna hop off this thing. I wish you a wonderful day and good night.
Response Part 3 Although parts of society may require you to feel shame in the fact that your son is serving time in prison, you have many, many reasons to be proud of the person he is. He is obviously incredibly intelligent and articulate, astoundingly resilient, has a beautiful kind, caring and forgiving heart, a great sense of social justice and he loves his mother more than any other person in the world. This is a child you should be proud of! It appears, from what I’ve read on this site, that he chose to fight the fights that you did not and it hasn’t worked out well for him either but there is no greater love than a mother and her child and you must treasure AND nurture that until the very end. Your son has been able to articulate to you what he wants & needs from his mother, he’s given you a road map… follow it! Never let another birthday go by without acknowledgment and take the love he so willingly has to give you. Regardless of how difficult it may be for you, know that it is magnified many, many times for him in his current situation. We can't change the past, but we can make the most of what we have today.
Please take care of each other! I wish you both well.
Response Part 2 Things got pretty bad as I required a greater amount of respect from my daughter for her brothers and I than what she was giving us. She knew home was her safe place to let off steam, and she did, but it was a weight too heavy for her brothers and I to bare and I saw their personalities start to change as they became more withdrawn, because of her behavior, so I sent her away. I told her she couldn’t live here anymore. That has been my greatest failure as a mother but it also made her realize her outbursts were not acceptable and after 12 months, we were all back together. But she will always carry with her, feelings of abandonment by her mother and that is my shame.
From there though, we do what we can, with actions, to mend our broken bridges. Just last night I got a call from my daughter at midnight saying ‘I’m at a party, will you come & get my mates & I & take us into town’ (she is now 19). I left another blog post of yours that I was replying to at the time, and went to her. I can’t change the fact that I pushed her away in the past, but I can do everything in my power now to show her she means everything to me. Whatever I say, that hurt will always be with her, but through my actions I can send a more acceptable message that she is truly loved.
There are times where a mother has to let the wheels slow right down, so that they can keep turning in some fashion. There are a lot of pressures on us at all times, most of all, the guilt we feel ourselves for not being able to do a fantastic job ALL the time.
The beauty in your case is that it’s not too late. Jeremy, you still declare your unconditional love, in spite of all the hurt you will always carry and are still reaching out to your mother. My younger brother hasn’t spoken to our mother for a decade, as he has never been able to move past the way she abandoned him in his time of greatest need and this doesn’t have to happen here.
To your mother, I would say, accept that you haven’t always made the best choices for your child, but you made what you thought were the best choices at the time. DON'T defend your actions, that’s not helpful (what your son hears in those moments is that he's wrong to feel the way he does, and he is not). But do all you possibly can to SHOW your child that he still has the same place in your heart that he had when you saw him for the very first time.
Response Part 1 I woke up this morning with this post on my mind, which I’d read before I went to sleep last night. Although it feels a little voyeuristic in some ways, looking into your private conversation, it is also (as you said in one of your other posts), on the most public forum in the world so on that note, I’d like to comment because I find myself in a unique position where I can identify with both sides of this conversation. Both as an adult child feeling abandoned by the one person who is supposed to love you the most in the world, your mother. And as a mother of a spirited, difficult child who questioned everything and wouldn’t rest if she found something to be in any way ‘unfair’ in her mind.
AS AN ABONDONED ADULT CHILD - As a child my mother was everything a mother should be, loving, protective and attentive. Once I’d grown up, things changed. Due to having, a partner with a gambling addiction when I was 25; I found myself homeless and stayed with my mother for 2 weeks; after which time she told me “You can’t stay here anymore; you will have to find your own way” shocked, and with no idea what to do next, I left, with my 2 children and pregnant with my third with nowhere to go. This was the greatest time of need I have faced in my life, and the person I thought should have loved and supported me more than any other, didn’t care and made that journey back from homelessness so much longer and more difficult. I was also conditioned in that moment to a new reality, that if your own mother won’t help you; then it’s not acceptable to ask for help from any one else, and to this day I don’t ask. My point here is that these defining moments in our lives, change the people we are.
AS A MOTHER - I have been a single mother for most of my adult life. For 8 years with one child, and later on with 3. My eldest, my only daughter, was a difficult child in comparison to my two boys. Her heart was always in the right place, so I knew she would be a wonderful adult, but as a child, because she questioned authority when it made no sense to her, she was difficult. She ALWAYS had to know why & if the answer wasn’t acceptable, she would go about changing circumstances to better suit herself. Whilst she continued to develop her negotiation skills (from the age of 2) she was seen by many others as disrespectful, rude, naughty and disruptive, but by those that understood her, spirited and well-meaning.
I found, as I tried anything and everything I could to accommodate her, yet still guide her in the right direction, I realized that at times I had to ‘pick my battles’, this was my greatest realization or she would have dominated completely. There was only one of me, I was entirely responsible for 2 other little lives, keeping up with my studies, finances, the household, part time work and of course taking care of ‘me’ to some degree so that I was able to keep the wheels turning, keeping everyone happy.
These types of posts are not uncommon on this site I'm sad to say & each & every time I read one of them I get so upset, and have begun coming back at a later time to leave a comment. I feel if you have to live within such horror, and take the time to put it into words, the least I can do is process it the best I can and offer some form of moral support. The fact that I need to leave after simply reading your words speaks volumes, (it's almost like watching a scary movie... the second time around you're a little more desensitised to the horror) & only then am I actually capable of attempting to process what I've read. I hate that you, or anyone else, is forced to live in this situation, in a FIRST world country. I find it abhorrent.
I've read a few articles lately on Solitary confinement; it seems to be a topic of discussion right now, as it should be. One article published in the New York Times in late August by a Psychiatrist speaking about the effects of over use of solitary confinement in the U.S.A. These were a couple of passages from that article:
"...depriving people of freedom may be justifiable. But prolonged isolation inflicts another kind of harm, one that can never be justified. This harm is ontological; it violates the very structure of our relational being...For the sake of justice, not only for them but for ourselves, we must put an end to the over-use of solitary confinement in this country, and we must begin the difficult but mutually rewarding work of bringing the tens of thousands of currently isolated prisoners back into the world". They were quotes from Lisa Guenther. Associate Professor of philosophy at Vanderbilt University and the author of "Social Death and Its Afterlives: A Critical Phenomenology of Solitary Confinement."
This article began..."There are many ways to destroy a person, but the simplest and most devastating might be solitary confinement. Deprived of meaningful human contact, otherwise healthy prisoners often come unhinged. They experience intense anxiety, paranoia, depression, memory loss, hallucinations and other perceptual distortions. Psychiatrists call this cluster of symptoms SHU syndrome, named after the Security Housing Units of many supermax prisons."
It is shocking to think something so preventable, with characteristics so specific we can call it a 'syndrome' exists. It is nothing less than a crime to subject a fellow human being to such conditions that can affect the demise of, an otherwise healthy, person's mental health. I am glad to see from reading your blogs that you keep your mind active Jeremy, as that seems to be your only defense.
RSS
I am going to send a letter tomorrow but the service that I used to send you funds indicates that you cannot get mail. I hope you get my gift of funds and my letter. If not and only this blog gets to you, know that I am trying. It appears that you have 2 Appleton connections.
I am working on sending you a gift.
More soon... I promise.
Grace
Sorry I haven't written lately I've been so busy. And Al got a great job offer so we're moving to central Illinois next week, believe it or not! I'm actually turning down the biggest job promotion of my life (I was going to take over running an entire program with eight staff). After our move I'll be a stay at home mom for a couple years. It might be a while before I can really sit down and write, so for now this post will have to do. I do have about five half-started letters piled up over the past year, LOL. Take care!
Katrina
Sincerely yours,
Opal Mahaffey
Although parts of society may require you to feel shame in the fact that your son is serving time in prison, you have many, many reasons to be proud of the person he is. He is obviously incredibly intelligent and articulate, astoundingly resilient, has a beautiful kind, caring and forgiving heart, a great sense of social justice and he loves his mother more than any other person in the world. This is a child you should be proud of! It appears, from what I’ve read on this site, that he chose to fight the fights that you did not and it hasn’t worked out well for him either but there is no greater love than a mother and her child and you must treasure AND nurture that until the very end. Your son has been able to articulate to you what he wants & needs from his mother, he’s given you a road map… follow it! Never let another birthday go by without acknowledgment and take the love he so willingly has to give you. Regardless of how difficult it may be for you, know that it is magnified many, many times for him in his current situation. We can't change the past, but we can make the most of what we have today.
Please take care of each other! I wish you both well.
Nicki
Things got pretty bad as I required a greater amount of respect from my daughter for her brothers and I than what she was giving us. She knew home was her safe place to let off steam, and she did, but it was a weight too heavy for her brothers and I to bare and I saw their personalities start to change as they became more withdrawn, because of her behavior, so I sent her away. I told her she couldn’t live here anymore. That has been my greatest failure as a mother but it also made her realize her outbursts were not acceptable and after 12 months, we were all back together. But she will always carry with her, feelings of abandonment by her mother and that is my shame.
From there though, we do what we can, with actions, to mend our broken bridges. Just last night I got a call from my daughter at midnight saying ‘I’m at a party, will you come & get my mates & I & take us into town’ (she is now 19). I left another blog post of yours that I was replying to at the time, and went to her. I can’t change the fact that I pushed her away in the past, but I can do everything in my power now to show her she means everything to me. Whatever I say, that hurt will always be with her, but through my actions I can send a more acceptable message that she is truly loved.
There are times where a mother has to let the wheels slow right down, so that they can keep turning in some fashion. There are a lot of pressures on us at all times, most of all, the guilt we feel ourselves for not being able to do a fantastic job ALL the time.
The beauty in your case is that it’s not too late. Jeremy, you still declare your unconditional love, in spite of all the hurt you will always carry and are still reaching out to your mother. My younger brother hasn’t spoken to our mother for a decade, as he has never been able to move past the way she abandoned him in his time of greatest need and this doesn’t have to happen here.
To your mother, I would say, accept that you haven’t always made the best choices for your child, but you made what you thought were the best choices at the time. DON'T defend your actions, that’s not helpful (what your son hears in those moments is that he's wrong to feel the way he does, and he is not). But do all you possibly can to SHOW your child that he still has the same place in your heart that he had when you saw him for the very first time.
I woke up this morning with this post on my mind, which I’d read before I went to sleep last night. Although it feels a little voyeuristic in some ways, looking into your private conversation, it is also (as you said in one of your other posts), on the most public forum in the world so on that note, I’d like to comment because I find myself in a unique position where I can identify with both sides of this conversation. Both as an adult child feeling abandoned by the one person who is supposed to love you the most in the world, your mother. And as a mother of a spirited, difficult child who questioned everything and wouldn’t rest if she found something to be in any way ‘unfair’ in her mind.
AS AN ABONDONED ADULT CHILD - As a child my mother was everything a mother should be, loving, protective and attentive. Once I’d grown up, things changed. Due to having, a partner with a gambling addiction when I was 25; I found myself homeless and stayed with my mother for 2 weeks; after which time she told me “You can’t stay here anymore; you will have to find your own way” shocked, and with no idea what to do next, I left, with my 2 children and pregnant with my third with nowhere to go. This was the greatest time of need I have faced in my life, and the person I thought should have loved and supported me more than any other, didn’t care and made that journey back from homelessness so much longer and more difficult. I was also conditioned in that moment to a new reality, that if your own mother won’t help you; then it’s not acceptable to ask for help from any one else, and to this day I don’t ask. My point here is that these defining moments in our lives, change the people we are.
AS A MOTHER - I have been a single mother for most of my adult life. For 8 years with one child, and later on with 3. My eldest, my only daughter, was a difficult child in comparison to my two boys. Her heart was always in the right place, so I knew she would be a wonderful adult, but as a child, because she questioned authority when it made no sense to her, she was difficult. She ALWAYS had to know why & if the answer wasn’t acceptable, she would go about changing circumstances to better suit herself. Whilst she continued to develop her negotiation skills (from the age of 2) she was seen by many others as disrespectful, rude, naughty and disruptive, but by those that understood her, spirited and well-meaning.
I found, as I tried anything and everything I could to accommodate her, yet still guide her in the right direction, I realized that at times I had to ‘pick my battles’, this was my greatest realization or she would have dominated completely. There was only one of me, I was entirely responsible for 2 other little lives, keeping up with my studies, finances, the household, part time work and of course taking care of ‘me’ to some degree so that I was able to keep the wheels turning, keeping everyone happy.
I've read a few articles lately on Solitary confinement; it seems to be a topic of discussion right now, as it should be. One article published in the New York Times in late August by a Psychiatrist speaking about the effects of over use of solitary confinement in the U.S.A. These were a couple of passages from that article:
"...depriving people of freedom may be justifiable. But prolonged isolation inflicts another kind of harm, one that can never be justified. This harm is ontological; it violates the very structure of our relational being...For the sake of justice, not only for them but for ourselves, we must put an end to the over-use of solitary confinement in this country, and we must begin the difficult but mutually rewarding work of bringing the tens of thousands of currently isolated prisoners back into the world". They were quotes from Lisa Guenther. Associate Professor of philosophy at Vanderbilt University and the author of "Social Death and Its Afterlives: A Critical Phenomenology of Solitary Confinement."
This article began..."There are many ways to destroy a person, but the simplest and most devastating might be solitary confinement. Deprived of meaningful human contact, otherwise healthy prisoners often come unhinged. They experience intense anxiety, paranoia, depression, memory loss, hallucinations and other perceptual distortions. Psychiatrists call this cluster of symptoms SHU syndrome, named after the Security Housing Units of many supermax prisons."
It is shocking to think something so preventable, with characteristics so specific we can call it a 'syndrome' exists. It is nothing less than a crime to subject a fellow human being to such conditions that can affect the demise of, an otherwise healthy, person's mental health. I am glad to see from reading your blogs that you keep your mind active Jeremy, as that seems to be your only defense.