This is very touching to me. My husband is in prison, I take the effort to remain as close as possible in spite of his incarceration. I found a book that helps us, he answers a page of questions, removes that page from the book and sends it to me, I answer the questions then read his answers. I then send him back the questions with my responses. This is so that we can both understand what the other is experiencing and feeling during this difficult time as well as reminding us of the good times before he was incarcerated. I think we are actually stronger at this point because of this communication.
But what you bring up is something that breaks my heart every time I go to visit him. There are 3500 inmates in his prison and rarely are there more than 10 getting a visit while I am there (I go for my limit every month). My heart breaks for those guys who don't ever get visitors. Every person in there has value. They all deserve love and it doesn't matter what they've done. Prisons are full of good people who made a bad choice. Does that make them all bad people? I don't think so. Our justice system is also not fair and I know that there are many people in there who are innocent. But nobody believes in their innocence because a jury of their "peers" convicted them. I find that laughable, during jury selection at my husband's trial, those people weren't his peers. In fact, quite the opposite, including one person who was the foreman of the jury, the juror was a victim of a similar crime that he was convicted of doing.
I think family members stay away because they don't know what to say. I think some are ashamed, not just of their loved one who is locked up, but of themselves as well. It is hard to walk through those gates & subject yourself to the intimate search that all visitors have to go through, but once you are past that checkpoint, it is so worth it for the time spent with someone you care about.
Thank you for writing this, maybe it will help some of those guys who never get visits. That would make my heart happy.
As I read this post I sit and wonder. Does everyone deserve forgiveness? I believe they do. I believe you should be forgiven. In fact I forgive you. I need forgiveness also. I have done some things in my life that I am not proud of. I wasn't a good parent and drugs ruled my life. I have done some bad things because of the drugs. I have always had a good heart though. I have always loved my children, but I am hated by people because of the choices I made. Just like you said If I steal a car and you steal a candy bar are we any different? I think not. We are all looking for someone to love us, someone who cares and wont hurt us. We are looking for someone who wont abandon us. When someone hurts us we tend to hold a grudge. We tend to blame that person for the life choices that follow. The choices we have made. Even if they weren't there to influence us one way or another. Blaming someone else is so much easier than blaming ourselves. I would love to be able to blame my Mom and Dad for the bad things I have done, but I am an adult and I made those choices. If I spent my whole life hating them for what they did or didn't do then I would miss out on a lot of love. I know they love me even though one of them wasn't there. Of course I love one more than the other. The one that didn't bail, the one that wasn't scared and didn't leave, but I still love the other. I know he or she loves me too!!! The point of this post is I forgive you for your wrong doing... Will you forgive me?
Macabre, possibly out dated, cruel in many cases, but often the only choice.
Your crime was heinous. I suppose 14 years of self reflection in the environment you now reside have given you the viewpoint of "why me".
For someone affected by your actions, and seeing a friend murdered, attending the trial, seeing what you did and your behavior during the trial, one has to wonder if the death penalty should not have been applied.
Possibly you have changed in the the last decade and a half. I doubt it though. It's easy to make statements about how everyone has forgotten you, and how sad it is that you are not seeing anyone from your family.
The actions of someone who,would beat a man with a hammer and then dismember him are not the actions of a same member of society. To then steal from that man, and leave his corpse for days in a bathtub add insult to injury.
The fact that taxpayer dollars continue to fund your room and board is appalling. You do not deserve to return to society, from an opinion on the political leanings of society, consider society or be forgiven by society. When a doctor finds cancer in a human body, they actively work to kill the cancer cells. You were a cancer on society.
Not a week goes by that I do not think of what you did to Ron. The killing was one thing... Honestly, I could find it in my own heart to forgive that, as things can and do happen in a rage. Your actions afterwards and during the trial show a total disregard for the ability to function in society.
Eventually, everyone you love or knew will forget you. This is a blessing. I will never forget your actions, and to this very day feel rage when I think about what you did.
This was a great post to see how you have lived and loved in life with the lessons that come from it. And I have it on good accord that Jamie #2 was sincere and baklava is a very yummy dish only a few can actually cook properly. A dessert that takes time and hard work but worth the effort.
I found this site by accident. I get bored. I Googled you'r name with Tx inmates. Between The Bars popped up. For the most part what I read broke my heart for you. Then I read all of the rest about the one person who visited you and wrote to you. You told me about her. She was very nice to you. That made me happy for you. Why haven't you told me about this site? Why have you kept this from me? In some of these letters you have wrote to you'r family you talk different than what I am use to you being like. At first I didnt know how long ago it had been since you sent these massages. I do now. You have been lying to me. I know I tried to keep the Lane crap that I was going through from you knowing. It was eating me up to keep anything from you. I finally told you every thing. I don't want any notoriety for card's letters or money I have sent to you. You have never cared about that.As it has seemed. Am I another Sue? You have gradually stopped writing to me. The last thing I got from you was that card. You know which one. Have you been lying to me about everything? All of the plans we have made...are they B.S? There is something that we are the same on. I will walk away. I will never stop loving you. That's not possible. I'll just live with being with out you. I just don't want to. I love you too much.
RSS
But what you bring up is something that breaks my heart every time I go to visit him. There are 3500 inmates in his prison and rarely are there more than 10 getting a visit while I am there (I go for my limit every month). My heart breaks for those guys who don't ever get visitors. Every person in there has value. They all deserve love and it doesn't matter what they've done. Prisons are full of good people who made a bad choice. Does that make them all bad people? I don't think so. Our justice system is also not fair and I know that there are many people in there who are innocent. But nobody believes in their innocence because a jury of their "peers" convicted them. I find that laughable, during jury selection at my husband's trial, those people weren't his peers. In fact, quite the opposite, including one person who was the foreman of the jury, the juror was a victim of a similar crime that he was convicted of doing.
I think family members stay away because they don't know what to say. I think some are ashamed, not just of their loved one who is locked up, but of themselves as well. It is hard to walk through those gates & subject yourself to the intimate search that all visitors have to go through, but once you are past that checkpoint, it is so worth it for the time spent with someone you care about.
Thank you for writing this, maybe it will help some of those guys who never get visits. That would make my heart happy.
T.K.
Really interesting to read such a reflective piece.
Good luck in Vacaville,
Great poem!
Macabre, possibly out dated, cruel in many cases, but often the only choice.
Your crime was heinous. I suppose 14 years of self reflection in the environment you now reside have given you the viewpoint of "why me".
For someone affected by your actions, and seeing a friend murdered, attending the trial, seeing what you did and your behavior during the trial, one has to wonder if the death penalty should not have been applied.
Possibly you have changed in the the last decade and a half. I doubt it though. It's easy to make statements about how everyone has forgotten you, and how sad it is that you are not seeing anyone from your family.
The actions of someone who,would beat a man with a hammer and then dismember him are not the actions of a same member of society. To then steal from that man, and leave his corpse for days in a bathtub add insult to injury.
The fact that taxpayer dollars continue to fund your room and board is appalling. You do not deserve to return to society, from an opinion on the political leanings of society, consider society or be forgiven by society. When a doctor finds cancer in a human body, they actively work to kill the cancer cells. You were a cancer on society.
Not a week goes by that I do not think of what you did to Ron. The killing was one thing... Honestly, I could find it in my own heart to forgive that, as things can and do happen in a rage. Your actions afterwards and during the trial show a total disregard for the ability to function in society.
Eventually, everyone you love or knew will forget you. This is a blessing. I will never forget your actions, and to this very day feel rage when I think about what you did.
This was a great post to see how you have lived and loved in life with the lessons that come from it. And I have it on good accord that Jamie #2 was sincere and baklava is a very yummy dish only a few can actually cook properly. A dessert that takes time and hard work but worth the effort.