Why Now?
By: CCHISM T-34897

Damn! January 23rd, 2013. 7:30am, they call me down to the office, they request two more officers to stand by, the mood is sober, she dials my uncle number and before he even got the words out his mouth, I knew it was bad, as he said my grandmother passed the night before. I was shocked and speechless! No words came, just a ball caught in my throat, tears filled my eyes, I could not stop them! I was trying to remain strong in front of the K-9. The emotion was too strong and raw, I believe my uncle asked if I was alright, I don't remember saying anything, I just wanted out of that office as fast as possible. My uncle said he loved me and I said, I love him too and thanks for calling, at least I heard it from my family. I got back to my cell, no sooner he took off the cuffs, I lost all control of my legs and bawled for four hours straight! You try and prepare yourself for stuff like this but in real life when it hits you, it hits you like a kick in the chest, powerless as the memories flood your mind. It's ironic that after five or six years of just writing letters back and forth, just before Christmas, I got a free phone call and spoke to her, she cussed me out for not calling more often but this new phone system asked too much to connect to yo loved ones, anyway she was doing real good, she told me how much she loved me and wanted to come and see me if I could find someone for her to ride with (she didn't like freeways). She was closer to me than my own mom, she raised me for the most part. I can't explain the emotion that brought the tears, but the next day I felt such a peace, like I just knew she was in a better place, I can't put it into words, it was just like when someone you love just looks at you without saying a word and you just know they love you back, it was that kind of warm feeling, so when I asked myself why now? The only thing that comes to mind is she was ready to move on. She would not want me sitting around sad all day, but hold true that she loved me and she is in a better place.

"Let yourself feel the emotions as they come
Let your heart and mind connect and make
Sense of what you are feeling then
All your questions will be answered."

1/28/13