Sept. 15, 2013

An Apology And A Promise

From Mindful In Bedlam by Daniel Labbe (author's profile)


An Apology and a Promise
By Daniel Labbe

This post is written to and for ANYONE my actions and lifestyle has hurt.

Before coming to prison I had led an extremely dysfunctional life that caused more suffering than I can imagine, especially to those closest to me. Years of alcohol and drug addiction, unhealed emotional trauma, and a lack of effective coping skills had brought me to a life that I was, and am, completely ashamed of. Unable to hold a job, I could not support my family, instead nearly every cent I made went to numbing the pain and shame I felt inside. I allowed my own hurt to completely consume my mind to the point where nothing and no one was more important than finding relief. There's no excuse for allowing myself to get to that point, a point where I made decisions on a daily basis that ended up hurting someone. I couldn't see the emotional impact my anger, selfishness, and addiction was having on others because I was focused on my own unending pursuit for relief.

Who did my actions and lifestyle affect? The list is long including employers, friends, even strangers. But the people I hurt the most on a consistent basis was my family. The ones I love the most. To you, each of you, that I hurt I offer these totally inadequate words: I AM deeply sorry, so terribly deeply sorry.

Because words cannot express the hurt, shame, guilt, and sadness I feel about the pain I've caused, nor can words change anything, the best amends I can manage is to address the issues that led me to lead such a life and dedicate the rest of my life to helping others who struggle with similar issues find the healing they need before making the mistakes I made, or if they already have made similar mistakes, help them heal, recover, and lead healthier lives. This is what I have been working on for the past seven years. Again, NOTHING can make up for the hurt my actions caused, but I CAN help others find healing and the skills they need to not make similar mistakes.

It's impossible to imagine all the consequences those I've hurt have endured. But I've tried to. Every day I wonder, have those I hurt found healing? What struggles do they continue to face?

Some of the people I hurt are still in my life today. My mother, father, and some other family members. We have helped each other find healing and forgiveness and are closer today than I ever imagined possible. For this I am DEEPLY grateful. Despite my actions and the pain I caused, despite the pain they once caused me, we enjoy loving, healthy relationships. This has provided me with the support and love I needed to do the painful work of healing and recovery. Thank you, each of you who have forgiven and supported me, allowing me in your lives and to have you in my life... without your support I would never have been able to make the changes that have given me a healthy, promising life and future. Thank you.

Many of the people affected by my actions are not available for me to apologize to directly. As I wrote earlier, former employers who gave me more chances than I deserved, friends, strangers that I may not even know that were affected, and those who became known to me afterward, and some close family members. My hope is that each of you are leading lives full of love, peace, joy, and promise despite ANY setbacks that have come your way, whether by my doing or other. Some of you I miss dearly and wish that there is some way we can find healing and reconciliation, yet I realize that this may not be what you want. For each of you, I respect your wishes and want you to know that I will ALWAYS be available and open to helping you in any way I can. In fact, I would greatly like to be able to contribute SOMETHING, anything, you need for healing or inner peace. For the pain I caused, that is the least I could do.

In case anyone is wondering what I've done to address and heal the issues that led me to such a dysfunctional life and how I plan to dedicate my life to helping others, I offer this brief summary.

In 2006 I began reading self-help and psychology books and seeing how they applied to my life. Also, I've kept a journal throughout my entire incarceration. In 2007 I entered a residential program that helps people in prison who struggle with mental or emotional difficulties. At that time a sincere and patient therapist began helping me.

It was an EXTREMELY difficult process that brought up all kinds of emotions I had never been able to deal with before. But eventually things started to improve through groups, one on one therapy, my own studies, and a meditation practice I found healing. In 2009 I graduated that program. After that I dove into recovery from every angle. Alternatives to Violence, Toastmasters, and other programs helped a lot.

Eventually I came to the point when I wanted to help others. That's when I created and facilitated the Mindful Living group, a mindfulness-based self-help group that ran successfully for over 18 months. That experience showed me how rewarding it can be to help others and also showed me that I could do it. This provided a much needed boost to my confidence.

Currently I'm in a residential program for addiction recovery and expect to graduate in October. I continue to study and journal about recovery, healing, and mindfulness.

In 2011 I began this blog. My intention was to share the skills and practices that had been so vital in my own recovery with as many people as I could, even though I'm still in prison. Recently I've used the blog to address criminal justice issues.

After I'm released I plan on getting my C.D.A.C. certification to become an addictions counselor. This is a practical, obtainable goal that will put me in a position to help others and support myself. In addition, I am going to offer a group similar to Mindful Living to the general public as a free support group. This isn't something that *I* will teach, just organize. We will meet and lead each other similar to other support groups but based on a mindfulness model of recovery.

My DREAM is to have such groups spread out and become widely available. I want to offer the kind of help I was seeking back when I was desperately trying to find recovery, but never did. I want to help ANYONE with the sincere desire to change find the skills and support they need to make that change happen.

These goals are achievable, but no matter what, my life is dedicated to being a source of healing, peace, and hope in the world. I've caused so much pain, how could I NOT dedicate my life to this end?

I hope that anyone reading this has found some healing, some peace or hope, in my words. There is NOTHING I can do about the past, but for those I've hurt, I want you to know that I am not allowing the pain I caused to not affect my own life. I am doing every possible thing I can think of to make sure SOMETHING good comes out of all this. This is the most I can do, and I realize it isn't enough. I just hope that somehow what I've written here has helped you in some way. If I can do ANYTHING else, please ask. I'll ALWAYS be available, waiting for the chance to help you in any way I can. And please, don't allow my selfish choices of the past and the pain they caused stop you from loving life and pursuing your every dream with all your heart.

My promise is that I will do all I can to be a source of healing and peace in this world, to help whoever is in need whenever I can, and never to return to the lifestyle that had led to so much pain for all of us. I also promise to be available and willing to help those I've hurt, and anyone else, whenever your need arises.


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Replies (12) Replies feed

VictimRights Posted 10 years, 9 months ago. ✓ Mailed 10 years, 8 months ago   Favorite
Honestly, I couldn't even get through two pages of the crap you're trying to sell. I am trying everything I can to understand just how you are being PUNISHED! How the heck is this OK for your VICTIMS...WOW, Obviously, you CHOOSE to forget about them and try to preach a TOTAL bunch of crap! Obviously it has been FAR TOO EASY for you to forget about your victims and try to gloss over why you are in prison. Obviously, our prison system is broken, and you are another stellar example of this. PLEASE be honest. Own up to why you are even where you are, because I must say, after taking the time to read some of your posts, and then taking the time to understand why you are in my opinion, you are not only delusional, but sick. How are you helping the victims of your crimes? Yet again, you are proof positive why SICK individuals like you should NEVER be allowed not only access to the internet, but access to the world. My wish is that you would rot in jail, but welcome to Massachusetts! YOU MAKE SICK. I will do all I can to destroy this website, as all you pathetic sheep have forgotten about why these disgusting people are in prison in the first place...excuse me while I vomit.

bluelotus Posted 10 years, 9 months ago. ✓ Mailed 10 years, 8 months ago   Favorite
VictimRights, by destroying this website you would destroy one of the fundamental rights of American citizens: the freedom of speech. Rather than just stating that you are disgusted, it would be helpful if you could explain why you think that everything Daniel Labbe is stating is crap.
Also, are you talking about Daniel Labbe in particular or who exactly are you talking about? "all you pathetic sheep have forgotten about why these disgusting people are in prison in the first place..." sounds a lot like generalization to me. There is a different reason for each and every prisoner why they are incarcerated if you don't mind me pointing that out to you.

VictimRights Posted 10 years, 8 months ago. ✓ Mailed 10 years, 8 months ago   Favorite
bluelotus, if you are in prison there is no such thing as rights. You are not an American citizen, you are a citizen of prison, rights. I am not talking about this particular person, one of his posts happened to be "featured" on the home page to this disgusting website. Again, you are entirely correct as to the fact that there is a different reason, ie CRIME for every prisoner to be incarcerated, but you fail to put enough focus on just that. All these people are in prison for a reason. They committed a crime. There is no such thing as a victimless crime. What about them? Why reward people who should be focused on being punished by letting them poison our world with their delusions? I feel sorry for you, as you are obviously one of those sheep, just blindly walking the line without seeing the whole picture.

JT Posted 10 years, 8 months ago. ✓ Mailed 10 years, 8 months ago   Favorite
These are very good goals. Make sure that you have lots of support and a good transition plan. It's hard once you get back out there - stay focused.

There will be lots of things that will try to pull you back (you already know this) and lots of people who will try to bring you down.

The only thing you can do is stay positive and strong.

I'll keep reading here :).

bluelotus Posted 10 years, 8 months ago. ✓ Mailed 10 years, 8 months ago   Favorite
VictimRights, what "bigger picture" exactly do you think I am missing out on? From what I can see, you are the one with tunnel vision, placing every prisoner in the same category as "evil person who doesn't deserve anything but to rot in prison for the rest of his/her life and who should not have human rights anymore." Stripping people of their rights and putting them into categories solely because of where they are (prison) is simplifying things way too much and it is dangerous.
Of course there is no such thing as victimless crime, however the term "crime" is very broad. Does a rapist deserve to be forgiven and have a second chance? My opinion - No. I would rather have him stay in prison than walk into him/her in the street. Does someone who was selling Marihuana deserve a second chance? Yes! I am not in approval of selling drugs but this crime is on such a different scale and it is non-violent. Nearly three quarters of new prisoners admitted are convicted of non-violent crimes. Still a crime nevertheless, yes, but I think a lot of these people are able to change. Can it be you have experienced/witnessed some sort of crime and are now quite bitter and project your anger on all prisoners whether you know their story or not?
Punishing people for crimes is one thing, depriving them of their right of being human is another.

P.s. You still did not mention what exactly led you to the conclusion all of Daniel's posts are "crap"

Daniel Labbe Posted 10 years, 7 months ago.   Favorite
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VictimRights Posted 10 years, 7 months ago. ✓ Mailed 10 years, 7 months ago   Favorite
To bluelotus and Daniel Labbe...I find your responses to my comments comical. "bluelotus", have you actually reached out and done your research about the offender? It is beyond disgusting to me that you defend a "featured author" on this site without doing your homework. Maybe you're not intelligent enough, or wish to hide behind the BS world ALL these CRIMINALS hide behind. To quote you... Stripping people of their rights and putting them into categories solely because of where they are (prison) is simplifying things way too much and it is dangerous.
Of course there is no such thing as victimless crime, however the term "crime" is very broad. Does a rapist deserve to be forgiven and have a second chance? My opinion - No. I would rather have him stay in prison than walk into him/her in the street. Maybe you should ask Mr. Labbe just why he is in prison. Maybe you should find out just why he is supposed to be PUNISHED by our criminal system. I wish I could find another quote from you to address the other horrific crime he is in prison for. I did my homework...did you??? Is Mr. Labbe willing to admit to ALL of his crimes, and just why he is where he is? I doubt it...It is far easier to hide behind tis fake image created and allowed to continue thanks to this disgusting website, that does nothing but continue to victimize victims. I will forever have nothing else to say about this website than it is disgusting and offensive to victims, and I hope to shut it down as VICTIMS are being abused daily by this BS. Shame on ALL of you.

VictimRights Posted 10 years, 7 months ago. ✓ Mailed 10 years, 7 months ago   Favorite
BTW, as I have stated more than once in the past, I happened upon this site and Mr. Labbe happened to be a "featured author" on this site. Hence, how can his victims escape him during their healing process? If some psycho liberal chooses to supports CRIMINALS, one would think they would be brave enough to post ALL the crimes they have been accused of been found GUILTY of! Don't you think it's only fair to know just who you are dealing with???

JT Posted 10 years, 7 months ago. ✓ Mailed 10 years, 7 months ago   Favorite
I'm glad you saw that as support :).

You ask if people can change and the answer is of course they can. They do all the time. And of course violent offenders change. So can non-violent offenders.

I've seen it happen many times :).

I think most people deserve second chances - and of course they get them. The problem is that they bring their 'self' back to the second chance. And change is hard. It's hard for everyone. That's why I gave the advice to go slow and get support. It's important.

As for making up for what someone did....I don't know that it's possible, either. You can't change the past, of course, so in the end there is no perfect way to 'fix' anything.

Sometimes, I've seen ex-offenders apologize for what they did and it helps. Sometimes, the victim is too angry to hear the apology. It depends.

Mostly, the best thing that you can do is to be a good person and try to help people: the folks you love and the folks that you bring into your life.

That's the best we all can do -

Daniel Labbe Posted 10 years, 5 months ago.   Favorite
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susan Posted 10 years, 5 months ago. ✓ Mailed 10 years, 4 months ago   Favorite
VictimRights, I don't have exact statistics on me, but I'm sure that more people who have committed sexual and violent crimes are out of prison than in it. Those who are in prison for these crimes are not inherently a different class of people than those of us who are not in prison. Race, class, social networks, etc. effect who gets labeled with the stigma of being a criminal/prisoner.

There are models of justice like transformative justice, which I believe Daniel has written about, where victims can actually get not only restoration but together people can change society and work to shape it so that such crimes are less likely to happen.

Having volunteered for sexual violence response and prevention causes, I believe many victims would appreciate their offender working at the root causes to prevent crimes like that from happening again, even if they might want no contact with the offender, rather than feeling like they've done nothing wrong but being punished in other ways. It sounds like you might know victims who would feel otherwise, but they are not the entirety of victims.

Daniel, thank you for not letting comments get you down, instead continuing to reach out and connect and show accountability and compassion for yourself and others. You've definitely impacted me and continue to inspire me to address criminal justice system reform.

Daniel Labbe Posted 10 years, 4 months ago.   Favorite
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